untitled

Tonight i said something i thought i would never say. i said i was done with the internship and i wanted to leave. I changed my mind, in case you're wondering, and i didn't really mean it, i just felt like i couldn't do this anymore. Even tho i really want to stay.


i had a pretty ok day, nothing went terribly wrong. The only thing that was different was that Ben asked Linda to spend part of the weekend at a business conference with him, instead of with me. Not a big deal right? So she can't spend as much time with me as i had planned. Not something to get all upset about, but this is what made me question this whole internship. It goes like this:


Ben asked Linda to spend part of the weekend at a conference. Linda and i had planned to spend the whole weekend together in Springfield, hanging out with my friends and so she can see where i grew up, that kind of thing. It really upset me when i heard she wouldn't be with me as much, and i was surprised at my reaction. A year ago, even six months ago, it wouldn't have been a big deal at all. So we can't hang out, so what? But this time, i cried. i realized i was so upset because i like Linda, i like being with her, she's fun and funny and encouraging and a really great friend. And i'll miss the time with her. It hurt to think of missing time with Linda because i have so little time with her, only a year and the last 3 months will be filled with camp. Realizing that i'll miss her that much over just a few days made me think about how much i'll miss her at the end of this year. Then i'm just hurting thinking about it, and i wonder 'if it hurts this much now, and is going to hurt even more later, what's the point of the internship?' All of that pain and what? i go back to the same house, the same jobs, the same friends, the same hopeless situations. All of that pain, and nothing will change. i may be different but i'll go back and be stuck in the same world i left and it will all have been for nothing. So my next thought was 'why stay?' If it's all for nothing, then why stay, why keep myself in a place that will keep introducing new hurts, instead of the old ones i know how to live with.


i don't really have an answer yet, i know i need to stay. Even tho it hurts, it hurts because i'm healing. And i know this is the best place for me right now. When i leave i'll have changed, even if the circumstances i'll be going back to haven't, and when i get back i'll be different in them, so they'll be different. i know it will be worth it someday, even if it doesn't feel like it now.

Cinderella

Cinderella You are a dreamer, who wishes nothing more than to escape your daily drudgery. Life has thrown you many sticky situations, yet you have managed to persevere, and become even more lovely for it. You want some revenge, but you're a lass with class, and so wouldn't stoop so low. You have excellent friends, and are courageous; asking for what you desire despite the odds set against you, and claiming what is rightfully yours. Hopefully, these values will give you the dream your heart makes like your avatar. At first i thought this quiz would be ridicules, but i kinda like this answer. i think it fits me!

Photo Shoot

Last Saturday i had a photo session with Emma, it wa a lot of fun! I've never had "professional" photos taken before and i quite enjoyed the whole experience. Emma was great, she gave me the right amount of direction with out being bossy and she was really easy to work with. She finished editing the picutres and got them to me in 3 days! Here's one of my favorites, and to see the rest go to my photos blog here Playful

Sweet Dancer

Sweet Dancer

William Butler Yeats

The girl goes dancing there
On the leaf-sown, new-mown, smooth
Grass plot of the garden;
Escaped from bitter youth,
Escaped out of her crowd,
Or out of her black cloud.
Ah, dancer, ah, sweet dancer!
If strange men come from the house
To lead her away, do not say
That she is happy being crazy;
Lead them gently astray;
Let her finish her dance,
Let her finish her dance.
Ah, dancer, ah, sweet dancer!

Linda

Hey Linda,
I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re pretty much amazing! You’re so funny, I like just listening to your stories, it makes working with you so enjoyable. I actually really like that I’m the only intern willing to get “dirty” cause it means I get to work with you more.
I really appreciate your willingness to spend time with me, I know it might sound silly or too simple but I like just hanging out and watching tv. I know you’re tired a lot of the time, and probably have better things to do, but it means a lot to me that you’ll spend that time with me doing something I enjoy.
Again it might sound silly, but I love it when you hug me. Being hugged (by someone I like) is pretty much the best feeling in the world. I also really like it when you call me Baby, I know that’s pretty ridicules, but no one has ever called me that before and I actually like it :p
I love our lunches together (with Rusty too!), it’s so nice to just be able to talk about anything, or nothing! I like that you push me to question things, and find out why I do things certain ways. You push me to be better, but encourage me and tell me I’m doing great right now. That’s pretty awesome! I really needed that, I know I need to do better, but it’s hard when I believe that everything I’m doing now isn’t good enough.
You’re always available for me, no matter how tired you are, or that you have a hundred other things you need to do. You’re still there for me when I need you. And in case you haven’t noticed… I kinda need you a lot, so this is no small thing!
At the beginning of the summer I didn’t think we’d be friends. I had no intentions of opening up to you, and you didn’t have any reason to open up to me so I assumed we’d end the summer with a mutual respect but no real relationship. I remember telling Kayla as much on one of our drives home, and her saying “Just wait, camp will get to you. You’ll figure out how awesome Linda is eventually.” Well I did. And it didn’t take very long!
I’m so thankful that God brought me here and gave me this year with you! I know it’s gonna be great! I
think you’re incredible, and beautiful, and pretty much amazing just how you are.
I love you, Linda!


Rae

Reach

Hi!
First off I want to say I miss ya’ll so much! i’ve met some pretty cool people here, but there’s not a group anything like you all. I’m involved in the local CCF (Christian Campus Fellowship) and the BSU (Baptist Student Union). There are some pretty crazy people here, but they’ve got nothing on you! They’re a Brian Regan quoting bunch, but we haven’t tried to stuff 9 people in a 7-seater van or play croquet in the dark yet. Mafia isn’t a big deal here, which is pretty sad. I definetly miss our games! When they do play it’s all Very Serious. Not nearly as much fun as our games!
I’m doing pretty good here, definitely learning a lot! I’m learning the ins and outs of how a camp runs, as well as a lot of office management type stuff. They’ve got the interns learning how to use things like Photoshop and Premier Pro Movie maker. I’ve been making a lot of phone calls too, neither of the other girls likes talking on the phone so I take care of most of that. It’s pretty much scheduling things like speaking at youth groups and setting up interviews with the campers.
Linda has decided that presenting our ministry is “my thing” so I’ve been speaking at a lot of local youth groups, and hopefully will be able to speak at a few college groups soon. I really like it, you know me, I love to talk! ;)
Linda teaches riding lessons two days a week and I usually help her. It’s pretty basic stuff, mostly. But we’ve been trying to introduce the kids to stuff like barrel-racing and pole-bending lately, that’s a lot of fun!
We’re getting ready to start a camper mentoring program soon. Basically we’ve matched staff members with campers to mentor. I’m excited about this program, I think it’s a great way to keep in contact with the kids throughout the year, as well as a way to make a more permanent impact in their lives. I’m nervous about mentoring kids, but I know it’s what God wants of me right now and I know I can do it with His help.
It’s not all about the ministry here though, a lot of the program is focused on personal growth. We have a lot of discussion groups together. We’ll discuss things like the image of God, Fire, what it means to be Radical, all kinds of different subjects. I’m also expected to read at least three Christian Growth books (Max Lacado, John Piper, Charles Spurgon type books) or biographies each month and write a paper about each.
I’m also being mentored by Linda, which is great cause I work with her everyday, spend most evenings hanging out at either the interns house or hers, and hanging out at the horse barn between lessons. I’m the only intern willing or able to do most of the “manual labor” at camp (think: moving things, mowing, taking care of the animals, cleaning out older buildings) so we end up spending a lot of time together. It’s pretty much amazing, cause she’s the “older sister” figure I’ve needed for a long time. Spending time with Linda is definitely my favorite part of being an intern!
Ya’ll know some of what my home life is like, so it probably comes as no surprise that I love being here, in a Christian community, surrounded by people that love me, or at least like me! I’m having a great time, and I’m growing in my faith. It’s not perfect here by any means, it’s really difficult sometimes. A main point of the program is to be “stretched and grown” and that’s definitely happening! It can hurt sometime, but I know it’s all for good. It’s hard to be away from you all and my family at South Side but I know this is where God wants me right now. So that’s what’s been happening in my life lately. I can’t wait to see ya’ll soon!
Rae

I Am, I Can, I Will

I am, I can, I will
Unknown
 

I am- two small words, and yet,
It’s a powerful “place” to be.
It’s my life, and I’m living it,
I am everything you see.

 

I am responsible for my actions,
And all the things I say and do.
I am responsible for my behavior,
And how i interact with you.
 

I am responsible for the level of my work,
And the choices that I make.
I am responsible for the values I proffes,
And for the way that I communicate. 

I can- two small words, and yet,
It’s a powerful “place” in which to be.
It’s my life and I’m living it,
Traveling the land, sky and sea.
 

I can earn the respect of others,
And gain their friendship true.
I can honor all things living, and
Take care of my mind, health and body too.
 

I can do my best each day,
And I know my best is great,
I can continue to progress,
And move closer to my fate.
 

I will- two small words, and yet,
It’s a powerful “place” in which to be.
It’s my life and I’m living it,
I will be everything, just wait and see.
 

I will use my talents wisely,
Learn to manage the moods of life.
I will respect my ups and downs,
Ask for help in overcoming strife.
 

I will is a promise to see clearly,
It reveals my strength to win.
As I arrive at mutual resolutions

And look for my answers from within.
 

I’m young, still learning, growing, changing,
Yet I have ideals, noble goals and plans,
For things like a healthy environment,
World peace and a crime-free land.

No longer a child, yet not an adult,
I am a teenager still,
But I don’t underestimate my value,
Because I am, I can, I will.