Continuing...

Linda said she's worried that if i leave Camp David, I'll end up back where i was a year ago. She's afraid I won't seek out Christian individuals to disciple me, and that without the constant influence of God here, I'll slip back to just going through the motions. She has a valid concern, and I'm afraid of that too. Which is why I don't think it will happen. I love how far I've come, and I don't want to lose the relationship I have with God. I've already begun to find people to speak into my life, and for a while I'll actually be living with one of them. It will be more difficult, just cause God is everywhere here, but I know if I continue to seek after Him, I'll find Him no matter where I am or what I'm doing.
Right now, I believe that leaving is the best option for me. But that doesn't mean it won't be hard. I will miss the people, I will miss the fellowship, and I will miss being part of something that is really making a difference. I know I won't be happy unless I'm part of something bigger than just an ordinary life, but I don't know what that is yet. So I'm waiting for God's direction, and while I'm waiting, I'll be making sure I'm in the safest and healthiest enviroment possible. That isn't camp anymore. So I'm moving on. Not necessarily to "bigger and better things" just to something different.   

Not Pass?

Dumbledore: I'd like to introduce you to your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: YOU...SHALL NOT...PASS!
Dumbledore: Well that was kind of harsh. I mean classes haven't even started yet.

This was too funny not to share! 

Music Project

I finished the music project!!!! I'm very happy. Grace is pleased with the list of songs I gave her, and I've burned a CD for her to listen to them. It only took a bucketful of tears, but I did it! I'm quite happy with the result, I think it's a good mix of songs, and I think everyone will like it. And I'm done!!!

Roommates

Roommates. Laura and I. Together. At this point, I'm not sure we could survive without each other. I need her sense of humor, and how she tells it to me straight, even if it's "You're a stupid idiot, you're about to screw this up."  Which I sometimes need to hear. And she needs me, for slightly more practical reasons. Like tonight, I was coaching her on what to say during an interview, as well as helping her find appropriate clothes. And helping her fill out an application... Not to mention that I got her the interview in the first place. She needs someone to remind her to clean her room, and do her laundry, but I need someone to talk to, and to make me laugh. And I need someone who is more outgoing, to pull me out of my shell sometimes. So we make a good match. So I think it's a good thing that we're trying on getting an apartment together. It will be different from living at camp. We'll both have different jobs, and we will have far less rules and restrictions, but I'm confident that Laura will behave appropriately... And smack me when I don't. It will also force both of us to act more responsibly. Which will be good for us.

Touch II

I've talked about touch before, but I don't really understand everything about how and why it's such a big deal to me. And not a big deal at the same time. When I'm being held, everything is fine. I'm safe, I'm loved, I'm protected, and no matter what has been going on, it'll all be ok.  
So the other night I was hanging out with some friends, and something different happened. I'd had a tough day, really a tough week, and I was upset. I like to be held when I'm upset, it's comforting and calming for me. Anyways, I ended up cuddling with a guy that I don't like. This guy has a girlfriend, I knew that when i sat next to him. I expected him to put his arm around me, but he took it to a whole new level. He made me feel warm and safe. At the end of the night he hugged me, and I thanked him for holding me.
It's confusing, because it felt good, but I'm not attracted to him at all. I'm just not. I don't know him, but from what I've seen he's a player. I don't respect him, trust him, or care about him. Even after all that.  It doesn't mean anything to me. It can be any guy, it doesn't matter, as long as he's holding me I feel great. There isn't any connection between us, if that makes sense. They can touch my body, make me feel loved and safe, but if I don't give them any of my heart, mind or soul, then it doesn't really matter. However, if I like the guy, if I trust him or respect him, then it's entirely different. The other night, I felt safe for a couple of hours, and then it was gone. A simple hug from someone I care about can last for days.
I don't know why being touched is such a big deal for me. I kind of wish it wasn't. It would make everything so much easier. The situation I'm living in now, I can go days, even a week or two without being touched at all. Even a quick hug, or a hand on my shoulder, it's not there. Most of the time I feel like my colors are fading, like I'll simply fade away if I can't have contact with people soon.

Wandering

‎"Not all those who wander are lost."
-J.R.R. Tolkien


I sometimes feel like I'm wandering through life, just wanting to see what's out there, and trying to experience everything. I won't ever have a nice job, or a comfortable, stable life. But I have and will continue to see, experience, and enjoy many different styles of life. Mostly, I'm happy with this lifestyle. Staying in one place for a year or two, and then finding a new place, new friends and a new way of life. I don't know if I want to live this way forever, but for now, while I'm young, why not? 

Left Out?

I just spent 15 minutes looking through my mom's photo albums on facebook. I was trying to see if there were any funny or embarassing pictures of me. I shouldn't have worried. There are lots of pictures of my mom's animals, and the concerts she's been too. As well as photos of her and my dad, and my three siblings and their friends. Almost none of me. I don't know why i expected something different. I've never been close to my mom, she doesn't really like me much, or like to spend time with me, so she wouldn't have many pictures of me. Oh well. Such is my life.

Safety

Psalms 2:12b

"Blessed are all those that go to Him for safety." 

I've never thought about going to God for safety. I know I'm supposed to trust Him to keep me safe, but I never pictured it quite like this. I'm picturing a little kid, running to God, and God bent down with His arms open wide, just waiting to wrap the kid in a hug, pick her up, and protect her from everything that could hurt her. I know that's not actually accurate, God will allow things that will hurt us to help us grow, but He never allows more than we can handle. I've read this before, but it just hit me in a different way the other day.

Different

Last night a lot of people told me, basically the same thing, and it changed my view of my current life.  I was told that I'm different now, that I'm confident, I look happy, I stand straighter and I laugh more. I was told that I both act and look alive, more alive than I've looked in months. I was told I had my fire back. That fire that I know I've been missing, that I've been looking for, that I know sets me apart. Some of these people I haven't' seen for months, others it's just been a few weeks, but even those I've seen more recently agreed that I've changed so much, for the better, in just two months.
I don't know what to do with this. I feel more alive, I feel so much better. But is it worth the cost? I've argued with the leadership, I've begun to debate their orders, and in some cases blatantly not do what they said to. I believe the way the treat people, the way they not only condone but suggest deception, and the things they have said or done to their staff is wrong.
I can't sit by and watch it any more. But if I tell them what I really think of their policies, rules and how the deal with people, I will have to leave. Calvin said exactly what I will, and he left. So did Julia, and she left too. We all tried to talk to them aback in September, and nothing has changed. They didn't listen to us. They won't listen to me, I'm the rule-breaker. I'm the poster child for how they can help at-risk kids even when they're grown, just because I come from a similar background as the campers.
I like me this way. Not angry at the world, not a puppy that rolls over at whatever they say. Just me, in the middle trying to be both respectful and doing what I have to do to keep myself safe. 
Camp isn't safe any more.  It's become a battleground, and I'm afraid I'm on the losing side. I have to stand against what I believe is wrong, but that means I will have to leave. And I'm scared. I don't know where to go, or what to do. But I know I have to do this.

Father, please give me Your voice and Your words, 
show me Your will, and lead me to what You have 
planned for this situation. I'm scared, Daddy, I 
don't know what to do. I'm confused, and I'm 
not sure where to go. Help me, Father. I want 
to do Your will, I want to be what You want me 
to be in this. Give me the courage I will need,
the wisdom I desire, and peace through all of this.  

Father's Eyes

Tomorrow she’ll be turning 17  
But somehow now the mirror has become her enemy 
Feelin like she’ll never measure up 
Feelin like she’ll never be enough

In her Father’s Eyes, he is taken by her beauty  
And captivated by her every time  
In her Father’s eyes, he is longing just to tell her  
She’s never been more lovely in her life 
If only she could see herself one time  
In her Father’s eyes

Sometimes I wish i could see myself through someone else's eyes. I want to matter, I want to be worth something, but I don't see it. All I see is how much better everyone else is, and how what I'm working on could be so much more, if someone else was doing that project. I want, for just one moment, to see myself through my Father's eyes. It might make all the difference in the world...

Clean

This morning i got to wake up to Ben's voice, complaining to Kayla about how dirty the floor by our front door looked. Well I'm sorry Ben, but that's not eggshells, it's little bits of paper from the box of trash that you dumped on our floor so you could use the box. And I'm sorry i haven't gotten down on my knees and scrubbed the floor yet, but i was little busy working your fucking event last night and i was dead tired and didn't want to get up early to clean so that our house would be spotless before your arrival this morning. Sometimes our house isn't going to be the cleanest, it prolly has something to do with the fact that I'm so busy working for you during the day that i don't have the energy or desire to spend my nights cleaning. If a perfectly clean house is important to you, go fucking clean it yourself.

21st Birthday

My 21st birthday was in December and it was kind of a big deal to me, but i wasn't ready to write about it until a couple of weeks ago. So here's the story:
I was born 5 weeks early. My mom had a very difficult pregnancy, and there were lot of complications and problems with me. I had to be born that early, or i would have died. I still almost did several times. I spend several weeks in ICU in one of those incubator things. I had RSV, which caused breathing problems, and i was on a breathing machine thing for i think about 6 months. The doctors weren't sure i would live to be an adult, they thought i would develop severe asthma, and just have all kinds of health issues from being born before i was fully developed. Which makes sense. I had to have a blood transfusion, which is why i can't donate blood.
I grew up knowing all of this. I always knew that i wasn't really supposed to be alive, if all was fair. So my 21st birthday was kinda a big deal to me. It was when i would truly be an adult, and it was really important to me that i prove the doctors wrong and live to be 21.
I was at my parent's for Christmas break, and I assumed I'd spend my birthday with my family.  But they were all busy. My parent's had to work and the kids all had other things planned with their friends. I tried to see if any of my friends wanted to hang out, but they were all either working or busy with their families.
So I got lunch at my favorite Chinese place, and I went to the river.  I sat on the bank, and talked to God for a long time. I didn't understand why He would let me spend a day that was so important to me, alone. Of course I wasn't alone, but it felt like I was. I felt like everyone around me was too busy to notice that something amazing had happened: I did it! I was alive, I proved them wrong, and I made it.
Maybe this isn't important to anyone else, and that's fine. But it's significant to me... So shouldn't it be significant to people that I matter to?
No one even said they loved me.

I know it's just another birthday, 
But I guess I thought this would be the one
When he would call me, see me,
Hold me, and free me
But it's just another birthday
And I'll be fine

Worship Thoughts: Praise

Yesterday i had a God moment. It was one of those moments when everything else faded, and it was just me and God. I'd been working on a project all morning, and was overly frustrated with it. I needed break, and i wanted to be outside in the sunshine, so i grabbed my mp3 player and my sneakers and left. I ended up on the balcony off of staff housing. It's the only high place in camp that I like. I started singing praise songs, one after another. It was warm, and i could feel the sun on my face. I took my shoes off and let my hair down, the wind combed through my hair and the wood was warm under my feet. I danced and sang, and God was with me. I could feel Him laughing as He played with me.  It was like He was my dad and He just wanted to play and enjoy being with me. It was so incredible, and yet so simple. It wasn't this overwhelming, powerful, intense experience, it was just...happy. I felt warm, safe, and happy.

Safe & Sound

Taylor Swift recently released a new music video, Safe & Sound for the new Hunger Games movie that's coming out soon. It's a beautiful song. It's something I  would've said to my sisters and my brother when things were tough and they would all come to me to be safe.

Safe & Sound


I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said, "I'll never let you go"
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, "Don't leave me here alone"
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Don't you dare look out your window darling
Everything's on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold onto this lullaby
Even when the music's gone
Gone

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Just close your eyes
You'll be alright
Come morning light,
You and I'll be safe and sound...

Andy II

Dear Andy,

I know I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I miss you. So much has happened the past couple of months, I don't even know where to start! I just wish you were here, so I could tell you everything. I miss your advice, and I really need it right now. My parents have decided to start acting like nothing ever happened and we're a normal, happy family. It's all lies, and I hate it, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to go back to that life. I don't want to ever have to live in fear again.
Andy, I met a guy. I don't know if anything will ever happen between us, but I think you'd like him. He makes me feel safe, and he really listens to me, like you did. Now don't get upset, but he is going to be a pastor. I know, I know, "don't ever fall for a seminary student" I think you just said that cause you were a music major and didn't like some of the students studying to be pastors.
I'm healing, Andy, I really am. I wish you could see me now. I'm so different, so much better in a lot of ways. I still need work, but our Father has taken that broken, hurting, little girl that you knew and has started to heal her. It seems so hopeless sometimes, I don't think the pain will ever go away, but then I remember that no matter what I'm going through, God is right there next to me. Linda told me about a picture that I really like. She said to picture myself during a moment that was especially painful. Then picture the same scene, but with Christ next to me, His arms around me, crying with me. It really made a difference. Even though it hurt, and God let it happen, He was right there with me, He was hurting too. He knows exactly what I'm going through, and what I'm feeling. I know you already know all this, I know you're still looking at my life and crying with me, laughing with me, and I know you're still a part of my life. I just wish you were here. I miss you, Andy.  I miss my big brother. I miss my Starlight.

Sunshine

Laura's Blog

A few days ago Laura and I were talking about our respective blogs, and i remembered something funny about them.
About a year ago I was looking at a friend's Google profile, and i noticed one of the blogs he follows. It had an interesting title, so i looked it up. It was really interesting, and i remember thinking "This girl is pretty cool. I want to meet her someday."
In September Laura showed me something on her blog... And I realized that it was the same one I had found months before! I turned to Laura and said "Oh my gosh! You're Laura Grace!" She thought i was insane until I explained. Then we both started laughing. It was quite interesting! I never imagined that I'd end up living with that girl, I just wanted to meet her!

Father/ Daughter Songs

CDO is hosting a father/ daughter dinner next month. Grace knows I like music, so she asked me to put together a playlist of good songs for the dinner. She didn't want me to just pull a list off the internet (which would have taken about 3 seconds), she wanted me to find, listen to, and download any good songs. So I couldn't just hand her a list, I had to listen to the songs I usually try very hard to avoid. I don't like listening to songs about dads that love their daughters more than the world, or girls that talk about how their dad has always been there for them. It's turning out to be a really tough project.  I can't work on it for more than about 10 minutes without crying, and since I share an office with Laura, and random people come through it too, this is bad. I'm only about 10 songs into the 30 that Grace wants and I've already spent a couple of hours working on it, so I'm pretty sure this project is gonna be one of the more difficult ones I work on here. That's the last time I agree to a music project without knowing what it is.

Random Conversations

Rae: *Laughing*
Laura: It's a good thing I'm so funny, or you would just be depressed all the time and like kill yourself or something.
Rae: Probably true. I'll have to make sure i marry someone with a really good sense of humor, or I'll be pretty much screwed.
Laura: Just not me, ok?
Rae: No, not you. We've lived together, and you know statistics say that couples that live together before marriage have a higher rate of divorce. And I don't want to divorce you.
Laura: I'm gonna take that as a compliment....
Rae: Good.

Why is it that we have the most random, funny conversations when no one else is around to enjoy them too?

Dinner With My Parents

My parents came up to St. Roberts yesterday to have dinner with me. They've been asking for the past couple of months to come up and see me, and i finally gave in and set up a time to meet with them. It went pretty much how i expected it would. They acted excited to see me, and wanted to know everything that was going on in my life. They want a relationship. They want me to be their loving, devoted daughter. But i can't. After 20 years i don't think i can just suddenly decide to love them, and want to have a meaningful relationship with them. After everything I've been through, after all the fights and harsh words, after all the bruises and scars, i don't think i can let them in. It hurts to much....

New Music

So recently i formatted my mp3 player. I had all kinds of music on it, pop, country, musicals, christian, indie, disney, just about everything. But i decided i needed to really focus on making God a constant part of my day. So i formatted my mp3 player and put only christian music on it. It's kind of scary how much my attitude changes depending on the music i listen to. I've been... not happier, but calmer and had a more dependent attitude towards God. I feel like, no matter what, He's got it covered. Which I don't feel most of the time! It's pretty cool how i can control my emotional state of mind simply by what kind of music i play. Kinda scary to, tho!

She Walked Away

I was listening to this song today, and I suddenly realized that while I've always thought of it applying to a friend of mine, it actually applies to me, almost more than to her. While she left the church, moved in with her boyfriend, and had a kid, i did something worse. I emotionally walked away from God. I continued to go to churches, say i was a Christian, sing the songs, speak the language, and spend time with other Christians. But I didn't mean any of it. It was just what i did. I couldn't take the pain anymore, and i couldn't understand why God allowed it, but i thought i wasn't supposed to be angry at God, so i shut down. I walked away from God, without any outward signs of leaving. I wanted complete freedom, from rules, obligations, and society in general. For a long time i wasn't willing to give up everything to go find it, and then suddenly i was willing. I was ready, i was packed, i had a plan and a "one way ticket" to a new life. I couldn't explain it, but i knew i had to leave, i had to give up everything, and just run. But God, our amazing, loving Father, reached down to save me from myself. He brought me to a place where i could realize just how much i was hurt, and He showed me that only He could heal me, and that He wanted to heal me. It wasn't just that i could be healed, but that He wants to see me whole and healthy. I know people that were and are praying for me, praying that i will "come back to God" in every way.  Only God knows how this story will end, but i hope and pray that it will end happily.    

"She Walked Away"

She couldn't take one more day
Home was more her prison now
Independence called out
She had to get it

A fight was all she needed
To give her reason
She slammed the door with no goodbye
And knew that it was time

Now she's driving too fast
She didn't care to glance behind
And through her tears she laughed
It's time to kiss the past goodbye

I'm finally on my own
Don't try to tell me no
There's so much more for me
Just watch what I will be

She walked away
Couldn't say why she was leaving
She walked away
She left all she had believed in
She walked away

Not a day goes by
For the one she's left behind
They're always asking why
And thoughts of her consume their mind

God please let her know
The love we tried to show
We'd promise anything
If you'd just bring her home

She walked away
Couldn't say why she was leaving
She walked away
She left all she had believed in
She walked away

Tell her we love her
And tell her she's wanted
One more thing God
Tell her please come home
Please come home

She walked away
Couldn't say why she was leaving
She walked away
She left all she had believed in
She walked away
Couldn't say why she was leaving
She walked away
She left all she had believed in

The choice is yours alone now
Tell me how this story ends

[Spoken:]
While the son was still a long way off
His father saw him, and felt compassion for him
And ran and embraced him and kissed him
"Let us celebrate for this child of mine was dead
And he has come back to life,
He was lost and now he is found"
And they began to celebrate
[Luke 15:20 and 24]

God's Valentine

This is for all of thie girls in my life. You are all beautiful, amazing, talented women, and i'm privileged to know each of you! Remember that our Father loves you even more than any guy ever could, and remember to run to Him when you feel lonely, or plain. Because He sees none of that, all He sees is His beautiful daughter! 

"Plain"

He made you feel plain
When he forgot your name
Well let me tell you something,
I have felt the same.
I know you're in pain
But there'll be another Boy along the way and
God he made you beautiful and
There's nothing about you thats plain.

[CHORUS]
You are jewel you're a treasure
You are one of a kind
And you shine just as bright
As the stars in the sky
You're a rare kind of wonder
Created just right
So keep your head up no matter the pain
Theres nothing about you thats plain

You tell me you're not the type
The kind of girl that they like
And your a little insecure about
How you look in their eyes.
Well fashion will change,
Trends come and go everyday,
But God only made one of you and
There's nothing about you thats plain

[CHORUS]
You are a jewel you're a treasure
You are one of a kind and
You shine just a bright as
The stars in the sky.
You're a rare kind of wonder created just right
So keep your head up no matter the pain
Theres nothing about you thats plain.

See your mind, it is precious
Though your heart may be restless
And your eyes they will see
All that you're meant to be
'Cause your spirit is strong
And your soul carries on
You'll keep your head up no matter the pain
There's nothing about you that's plain

You know I've had my days,
When I feel out of place....yea
I look at who I am,
Cover what I can ,
I wish it all would change. But...
Take the makeup away
You see the same girl still remains..
She may not feel that beautiful
But theres nothing about her thats plain.

[CHORUS]
You are jewel you're a treasure
You are one of a kind
And you shine just as bright
As the stars in the sky
You're a rare kind of wonder
Created just right so keep
Your head up no matter the pain
Theres nothing about you thats plain

You may have felt plain,
But...God, He knows your name
Let me tell you something, yeah...
There's nothing about you that's plain 

Vday

"Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely, then it's called Laundry Day."  

Totally true!! I love it! 

Me Frustrated = Laura Getting Out Of Chores

So this evening i realized why Laura isn't ever too upset when I'm overly frustrated. When I'm frustrated, angry, or generally unhappy, i grab my mp3 player, turn the volume way up, and i clean things. I have to get away from the situation and think for a while, and i can't think sitting still, so i do something physical, like clean. For instance, after today, i cleaned both bathrooms, washed all the dishes, mopped the floor in my room, folded my clothes, swept the stairs, and i would have vacuumed if our vacuum was working. By then end of it, all my chores were done... And so were Laura's! Now i know why she's never too upset when I'm mad, she gets out of all the work!!

347

Reason #347 to not like kids:
They intentionally do something awful, and then apologize when they see that you are mad.

Example: Today i had to go down to the director's house to pick up some information from Grace. While i was their, i took of my snowy boots and left then by the door. As i was putting my boots back on, i realized that someone had scooped snow into them. Now, with wet socks and cold feet, i had to walk back to my house and leave to go help with a CCF project. I had planned on wearing my boots, but they are now very wet inside. Then the director's son says "Sorry for putting snow in your boots, Rae."
"That's ok, Timmy."  I said, but what i meant was "Why are you apologizing now,? Why did you do it in the first place?!?"

Freakin' A!!!!!

Messy Mondays

Recently there have been a lot of youtube videos by this guy, Jordan, being posted to Facebook by my friends. So i decided to look up a few and see if they were worth watching. They totally are! Not only are they hilarious, this kid is super smart he's willing to say it straight. He's got some really good points, and he can communicate them successfully (if a bit loudly). I'm really enjoying watching these videos, and i look forward to the new video every week. Ya'll should look up these videos!
http://www.blimeycow.com/

Performance Review Descriptions

So i've had several people say that i have #s 1, 2, 4, , 8, 12, 16, 18, and 19, (without the description).  I'm kinda nervous now, about what the actually meant, cause as far as i can see, this description applies too!!

#2 is most definitely true!! 
#4 is most definitely Not true!!
#8 is mostly true, when i get frustrated or mad enough, then i make a decision, but not usally before that point.
#12 i can be quite loud, if i want to be.
#16 Hmmm, i think i could get a job somewhere else if i wanted too...
#18 I can be quite punctual... if i want to be ;)
#19 Oh heck yes!! All the time!

Unengaged?

I got un-engaged tonight. It was very amicable,  I will always love him, and he will always be my "little buddy", but it's time we parted ways, so to speak. We will certainly still be friends, and i'm sure we will see each other occasionally, but it will never be the same... We will never be "Luke and Rae" again. I wish him the best tho, and i know he will always be like a brother to me!

The Tide Of Sorrow

The Tide Of Sorrow

George William Russell
 

On the twilight-burnished hills I lie and long and gaze
Where below the grey-lipped sands drink in the flowing tides,
Drink, and fade and disappear: interpreting their ways
A seer in my heart abides.


Once the diamond dancing day-waves laved thy thirsty lips:
Now they drink the dusky night-tide running cold and fleet,
Drink, and as the chilly brilliance o’er their pallor slips
They fade in the touch they meet.


Wave on wave of pain where leaped of old the billowy joys:
Hush and still thee now unmoved to drink the bitter sea,
Drink with equal heart: be brave; and life with laughing voice
And death will be one for thee.


Ere my mortal days pass by and life in the world be done,
Oh, to know what world shall rise within the spirit’s ken
When it grows into the peace where light and dark are one!
What voice for the world of men?