Happy

I'm happy. I'm happier than I've ever been, and Ive stoped wandering, stopped looking, I've found what I was looking for. I've come home. And found it to be better than I ever though possible. I've found the love of my life, my best friend, ad my other half. I feel complete & whole with him. And I'm so excited to spend the rest of my life with him.

Me and my fiance, Cliff.

.8

.8 Live Within A Budget

To live within a budget, first you're going to have to make one. So get out the notebook, the old bills, the cancled checks, the calculator,and the pencils. To determine where you can save, you need to find out how you have been spending.

.7

.7 Keep A Journal

You'll be surprised how constructive this can be. Think of your journal as a place to have conversations with yourself- on any topic. A simple notebook will do, but how about treating yourself to one of those beautiful blank books sold at bookstores and stationers? Then select an elegant pen and discipline yourself to write in your book regularly. At then end of a year, you may find your journal is one of the most captivating reads you've come across in a long time- and you'll probably learn some interesting things about yourself that you never knew before.

To get out of the "Dear Diary" mode, include:

• reviews of the movies you see
• poems
• favorite quotes you come across
• letters too angry or to intimate to actually send
• your plan for a better mousetrap
• progress reports on your goals
• doodles and drawings (all books need pictures!)

.6

.6 Look For The Positive

That's the message to needlepoint on your thro pillow! No goal is ever achieved by concentrating on negatives; that will only lead to failure. Sure, you've got to be realistic about obstacles and setbacks, but you've also got to be realistic about what works- what is in your favour. Tackle those nagatives as they come up, not before. As the literary genius Samuel Johnson once said, "Nothing will ever be attempted if al possible objections must be first overcome."

.5

.5 Spend Quality Time With Yourself

I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.

- Henry David Thoreau

.4

.4 Accept Criticism Gracefully-

Despense It Sparingly

.3

.3 Set Realistic Goals

If you wanted to conquer Mount Everest, you wouldn't fly to Nepal, pack a lunch, and start climbing. You might want to learn a little something about mountain climbing first. It's the same with any goal. The Big Enchiladas- our long term goals- can be achieved only first reaching the more modest goals that form te trail to them.

.1

.1 Don't Be Afraid To Make Mistakes

''Freedom is not worth having if it does
not include the freedom to make mistakes.'  
                   - Mahatma Gandhi

.0

101 Ways To Improve Your Life

This is a little paperback book i found about a year ago. Some of it's suggestions are cool, some are silly, and some are simply common sense. But I shall endeavor to post a suggestion from this book every week, with my own opinions of course ;) I may follow the suggestion, and post the result, or I may ignore the advice and just go on with my life.

Update

Hey i'm still here, in case anyone was wondering. My life has been crazy, up & down and inside out, and for the past month or so i've had very limited internet access. I'm doing pretty well, i'm living in Springfield with a friend for now, working at my church part time, and spending as much time as possible with my boyfriend Cliff. So thats a quick update, i'll post more later :)

This Is Home

Home

On my own
No poison in my bones
On my own
This is where I build my home

My home,
this will always be my home

I work until it's late
Walk in and close the gate
I look in the window
and I gaze at my face
Every line and every abrasion
This took my life to make
This took my life to make

On my own
No poison in my bones
On my own, this is where I build my home
My home

I need someone, to hold
I need someone, to hold.

Lonely thoughts they seep, into mind
into me
pushing deep
Wash the dirt, a hard days work
Know my place

Sunday Afternoons

My Sunday afternoons have drastically changed in the last few weeks.
I used to spend Sunday afternoons and evening with my friends. We would hang out, watch tv, make dinner together, and invariably we made at least one trip to Walmart during the day, but we usually ended up there two or three times. We'd watch a movie after dinner, and sometimes we'd go to a park or something earlier in the afternoon, or sometimes go out for lunch. It varied a bit week to week, but pretty standard that we would make dinner and watch a movie at some point. I enjoyed it a lot. The banter back and forth, the conversations, the time spent together. It was always fun, but in a really relaxed way.
Last Sunday I spent the afternoon with some friends I haven't seen in years, since just after high school actually. It was fun, but very different. We went to a local park for a picnic, and then went on a 2 mile hike. halfway through we stopped at a creek and went wading for a while, then just sat in the sun, catching up. Then walked the mile back to the park. It was fun, but not relaxed. Not like with my friends in Rolla.

I decided I need to find people in Springfield to hang out with on Sunday afternoons, if I'm gonna be living here for a while. I really don't like going to church on Sunday nights, but I will just to be around other people if I can't find people to hang out with. I'm not really sure where to look though....

Free?

Chase the high ground - where you'd rather be
Where you might be found
Face all aglow, to leave from here
To pack up and go
But it takes some time to get away
And you will have to build from what remains
To run it takes the courage of a lamb
To love, the fierceness of a storm

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder
Everyone's staring , but no one is caring for you now
Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze
Just take the leap... and you're free

Chase the high ground - where you'd rather be
Where you might be found
This move may erase the troubles in your head
Or expose the absence of your soul
And so, it takes some time to get away
And you will have to tear down what remains
And I can't stand for goodbyes
So hold on to me, or lead the way

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder
Everyone's staring , but no one is caring for you now
Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze
Just take the leap... and you're free

Pace yourself when outrunning fear
Take cover when it's dark
And keep an even keel

In your world you're only a phone away
But in my world you're too far to feel
And it may take some time to learn what's real
And you may have to beg and borrow
And you will surely steal
Remember all those lonely sessions
Turned into yesterday's lessons
To never forget love, to never forget love

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder
Everyone's staring, but no one is caring for you now
Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze
Just take the leap... and you're free

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder
Everyone's staring but no one is caring for...
Paloma you cry out you beg for connection
The dreams you seek are straight ahead in every direction
Now you're free
Now that you're, you're free
Now that you're, you're free
You're free

Today I watched the greatest thing of all
A flock of birds, preparing for the fall






Am I free? Am I free to chose, free to feel, free to love, and free to fall? I run from everything that seems to cage me in, but am I ever really free? Or simply free of that pain, and moving on to the next one? What am I missing by running every time I get scared or hurt? I miss the thunder, I miss the storm, I miss the stars, and I miss rain. I wish I could be close to people for more than a few months. It takes so much work to tear everything down and move to a new place... What would happen if I sacrificed some of that freedom for stability, for relationships... Even if it hurt? What would happen...

Right For You

"Doing something because it seems like the thing you should do won't work unless it also happens to be the thing that is right for you. Take your time before immediately agreeing to this."

I read this recently, it was actually an astrology thing I saw. Now, I normally don't even look at these things, it's all trash as far as I'm concerned, but this one was interesting. There are so many different things before me right now that are good things, that I feel like I should be doing, but not all of them are necessarily the best thing to do. While they're good, they don't all lead to, or help with, what I want to do with my life. I need to focus on that goal, and do the things that will help that dream to come about. I need to focus on this maybe more than most, simply because I don't have as much time as most. Yes I have my whole life, but that still may not be very long...

Safe

The house is quiet as she enters. The cars were in the drive, so she knows they are all home, but the rooms are dark and silent. She walks towards the stairs, she can see a light at the top. The third stair creaks, as always, as she climbs up to the second floor. She turns the corner, and sees the light is coming from Andrew's open door. She peeks in, and he greets her. They talk for a few minutes about her morning, and his new job offer. Soon the conversation turns to the card game on the screen of his computer, and this leads to a discussion of counting cards, and how hard it is, and the movie 21. After 10 minutes or so, his mom comes in and joins the conversation. The talk about her mom, health care, cancer, dangerous things like walking across bridge railings,God's will, hindsight, her Japanese friends coming to visit this summer, the grand canyon, hiking and float trips, caves, and finally the plans for the evening. Before she knew it, an hour had passed, and it was time to get dinner ready. She wandered into her room and started brushing her hair, thinking about the feel of this house, this family. This place felt so different than her parents house. The houseshe grew up in felt oppressive, and suffocating. There was always a tense feeling, and part of her seemed to always be screaming to" get out now." But this place, it felt different. It was calm, and quiet, but not a tense silence at all. 
She sat down on the bed, realization dawning on her. This place felt safe. She hadn't felt safe in so long, she had almost forgotten what it felt like. She didn't want to leave. She only had today, and tomorrow morning here, then she would have to go back. She wanted to go back, she was signing at church Sunday morning, and she wanted to spend Easter with her church family, but that meant going back to that place. She didn't want that. She didn't think she could survive another day at that house. 
She started thinking, trying to find a way around going back to that place... "Maybe Katie would let me stay a day or two with her? Or maybe crash on Jamie's couch? I could always just grab a couple of sleeping bags from the attic while they're at work, they wouldn't miss them. Then I could sleep in my car, and use the shower at the church, I know Janna would let me... I couldn't tell her where I was sleeping though. She wouldn't stand for that. Maybe James and Mark would let me stay with them if I cleaned their house, heaven knows they need it! There has to be something, somewhere. Even just for a few weeks... Maybe it was time to call Rusty and see about going down to Austin for a while. But I want to stay here, with my church! But I can't live there anymore, I'll curl up and die if I hear those words again, feel that pain. I'm tired of covering up the bruises, pretending everything is fine. Why can't I just be safe? Just for a little while?" 

2011 Taxes

I successfully e-filed my taxes all by myself. I feel very accomplished right now. (Ok, I admit it, I used Turbotax, but still, it was my first time fileing taxes and I still managed it without help.) 

Quiet Evening

The three of them are sitting around the kitchen table. It's evening, after dinner, and the house is reasonably quiet. You can hear the low murmur of voices coming from the back of the house, but this little family doesn't seem to notice it. The eldest, a girl, sits under the light, sewing. Her needle carefully pierces the fabric, and pulls the dark thread to the other side. Across the table from her, the boy is bent over schoolwork. Next to him sits a younger girl, reading a book. The oven is on, and the smell of sugar and chocolate fills the room. The older girl looks up, and addresses the younger girl,
"Rosie, would you mind washing the dinner dishes?" The younger girl looks up when she hears her name, and then frowns at the request. "But it's not my turn, it's Anne's turn today."
"I know that, but she just got back from that trip, and she has to get up early in the morning. Would you please do her chore, just this once?"
"Why can't Joey do it?" Her voice was starting to get whiny.
"Because he's a little behind in his schooling, and need to work on that this evening. And I'm trying to finish this skirt." Her voice got a bit firmer "Please do as I asked. There aren't very many dishes, it won't take you that long." The girl, Rosie, sighed and got up and walked to the sing. The sound of running water and clinking dishes soon filled the kitchen. The boy looked up from his studying, "I'm hungry." He announced. The older girl laughed, "You're always hungry! We just had dinner not two hours ago."
"I know, but I'm hungry again."
She just laughed, and shook her head. She got up and opened the door to the oven. "The cookies will be done i a few minutes, do you think you can wait that long?"
"Ok. What kind of cookies are they?"
"Shortbread, with some chocolate mixed in."  Rosie turned from the sink and said "That sounds good! You make the best shortbread." The girl rolled her eyes, "I don't know about that, but I do my best."
"Well I like your cooking." The older girl smiled at the younger, and reached over to pat her arm. "Thanks, Rosie." She grabs a couple of rags and pulls the cookie sheet out of the oven and sets it on another rag already on the counter. While the cookies cool, she gets out three plates and glasses. She fills the glasses with milk, and puts them on the table. Then she places three cookies on each plate, and brings those to the table as well. She sits down, and resumes her sewing. The boy and girl start eating their snack, and playfully bickering with each other. The older girl tunes them out, she is lost in her thoughts, somewhere else entirely. 
Suddenly all three jump. The hear loud, angry voices, a slamming door, and the unmistakable sound of something breaking. Rosie looks scared, then looks to the older girl. She has a mask on, you can't see her fear or worry, just a calm expression. "It's ok, kids. Just go back to what you were doing. If you leave them alone, they'll leave you alone." Both children, looking reassured, go back to their snack and schoolwork. The rest of the evening passes much the same way. It's quiet and safe, there in her kitchen. Though a battle rages just outside the door. Her kids are safe, and cared for, and she will make sure they know they are loved.

Target Practice

I've had a reason to be interested in weapons for quite a while, and my interest has always leaned more towards guns than anything else. I used to practice with a 9mm, and would carry it in my truck frequently. It gave me a sense of power and protection. Now I'm not a very good shot, but I don't have to be. I can hit within about 3 inches of where I want to, which is fine for protection.

I haven't handled a gun in just over a year, and I've been wanting to get in some practice. I heard that Missouri lowered the conceal and carry age to 21. I've been impatiently waiting till my 23rd birthday so I could get the license, so I was really excited to hear I could get it sooner.  So this evening I grabbed the 9mm, a box of bullets, my mp3 player, and went out for some target practice. 50 bullets later, my aim has improved considerably from the first shot, though it's still far from good.

It's very satisfying to practice while listening to Nickleback's Never Again. At the risk of sounding cliche, I like having the power to say certain things will never happen again. I won't let them. Someone will be hurt first, and it won't be me.



Same old shit, just on a different night
She grabs the gun, she's had enough
Tonight she'll find out how fuckin' tough is this man
Pulls the trigger fast as she can, never again

Radio Stations

Springfield has the best radio stations that I know of. There are multiple, good, stations for pretty much every genre, as well as a few lousy ones too. Music is just a big deal in this city. There's at least one concert somewhere in this city almost every weekend, and there's a huge Music Fest every summer. Drive around Springfield with the windows down, and you'll hear music from other cars, from radios in front yards, spilling out of mechanic's garages, and shops on the street. You'll hear people on the street singing, and if you've lived here long enough, you'll even hear the music of the city itself. It's different from any other town I've been to lor lived in, but I love it.

Dance, Love, Die

Dance till you fall
Love till you die
Shut your mouth
Raise the roof

Live life to the fullest

Don't be afraid to try new things

Love even though it will hurt

Speak out, but when necessary

Keep quiet

But above all,

Don't forget to

Truly Live

What About Everything?

People talk about so many different things, everyone proclaiming that thier (whatever) is the best, or most important, or most relevent. But what about everything?

What about aliens?

What about the moon and stars?

What about soldiers and thier battle scars?

What about jet skis?

What about everything?

What about mountain tops?

What about books?

What about giraffees?

What about dancing?

What about everything?

What about you and me?

What about life?

What about that midnight phone call?

What about everything?

Famous Friend

A recent conversation with my little sister:

Background info: One of my friends, Ezra, put out a CD a couple of years ago, and I have a copy of it. I put it on my parents computer and my siblings listen to it a lot (cause its good!)

Laura: Rachel, I noticed that you're friends with Ezra Hall on facebook. Do you actually know him, or did you just add him cause he's so awesome?
Me: I know him, he's a friend of mine.
Laura: *eyes widen* Really? Where did you meet him?
Me: At camp last summer. He worked there all summer, so I got to know him pretty well.
Laura: Wow, I can't believe someone as cool as him works at a camp all summer.
Me: He's worked at Camp David for a while, it's not really a big deal.
Laura: *gives me a weird look* But he's like famous, or he should be. Do you have his autograph?
Me: Yes he should be, but I don't think he is yet. No, but I got to wear his hat once.
Laura: Really? Was it awesome?
Me: ... It was a hat.
Laura: Wow! That is so cool!
Me: You're weird. *walks away*

Lights

I recently discovered a british artist, Ellie Goulding. I absolutly love her music! She's got a different sound, and I find it intriuging. I also like the lyrics, they're very different from most of what I listen too, but I like it. So far my favorite song is Guns and Horses, but I also really like Lights, and I Wish I Stayed. The whole album Lights is really good and I quite like it!

To You

"You're so quiet
But it doesn't phase me
I know you've been burned
But every fire is a lesson learned
Lets type words
'Cause they amount to nothing
Play it down
Pretend you can't take what you've found
But you found me
On a screen you sit at permanently
It's time to come clean and make sense of everything
It's time that we found out who we are
'Cause when I'm standing here in the dark
I see your face in every star
I left my house
Left my clothes
Door wide open
Heaven knows
You're so worth it, you are

But I wish I could feel it all for you
I wish I could be it all for you
If I could erase the pain
And maybe you'd feel the same
I'd do it all for you
I would
I'd do it all for you"

Starry Night

It's fully dark, just before midnight. The only light is a single street lamp, at the end of the drive. This night is anything but silent; bullfrogs can be heard from the nearby creek, the neighbor's dog barking. The sound of cars on the highway a few miles to the east. A slight breeze rustling the leaves of the oak tree. Good sounds, comforting sounds if you're accostumed to being in these woods at night.

The back door of the house opens, and a figure slips out. The long hair, and skirt show that the figureis a girl. She's carrying a rolled up blanket, a water bottle, a pair of head phones, and a laptop. She walks quickly around the side of the house, and into the woods. There's a well-worn path here, she's done this many times before. Her steps are almost silent, if you hadn't seen her you might not ever know she was there. And yet her friend knows she is there, he sits waiting for her, his white fuzzy tail beating on the ground, as if in anticipation for what is coming. She walks up the path, and around a bend. She can see the house, the lit windows, but anyone there wouldn't be able to see her. Not that they were looking, they wouldn't miss her for hours yet, not till the morning. She could spend all night writting, and the only one to know would be the time log on the laptop, and no one ever checked that.

Her little friend jumped up and tried to lick her hand. He wanted to play! She laughed, and whispered "Not now little guy, later, when the sun is out." She spread the blanket on the ground at the base of a tree, and sat down with her back to it. Opening the laptop, she looked to her friend and said "We haven't done this is quite a while, have we? I didn't need to sneak out to write there, I could write whenever and whatever I wanted. No one cared, and they didn't insist it was a waste of time, or tell me I wasn't any good and should stop. I miss that. I didn't realize what a difference that makes...." Her words trailed off and were swollowed by the night sounds. She had a look of longing on her face. Her little friend pushed closer, and she started, then looked down at him. "I was thinking about there... Oh well no point in what ifs, right?" He wagged his tail, as if in answer to her.

She laughed, a light, inviting sound. Then she turned back to the screen in front of her, and began to type. Long into the night, under the watch of the stars and her friend, and in the company of music, she wrote. She wrote about life, love, God, creation, silly things, and things that matter.

Though you wouldn't know or think it if you were looking at this scene, something truly remarkable was happening. Every word she wrote, every song she sang, was as healing to her soul as food is to a starving body. To her, to write and to sing, is to live, and to live is to discover new things to write and sing about. Life, words, and music were so intertwined, they were nearly indistiguisable to her.

And so she must write and sing to live. For so long, the night has the only safe place for her to live, and so the night has become her friend and protector, though once it was her foe. 

It grows cold, and she needs to go back to the house, she has many chores yet to do before morning. She packs up her things, and pets her white, fuzzy friend. Just before she steps across the threshold back into her gray world, she looks up for a last glimpse of the stars, and wished her friend, the night, farewell.

Hippie Girl

My little brother called me a hippie today. To be fair, I had just finished making my dinner (comprised entirely of fruit, veggies, and dairy products) I was wearing a peasant skirt, listening to some indie music, and talking about a line of all-natural soap and shampoo that I had found that day.
I'm not a hippie... At least not in the way he meant, but there are certain things that I do that are different from my family and friends.

• I don't like processed food, and I'm not a big meat eater. If I'm grocery shopping for just me, I get mostly organic fruits, veggies, dairy, and gluten-free cereal and snack stuff. 
• I wear mostly cotton or denim clothing, and much prefer recycled flip-flops to regular ones.  
• I like country music, indie rock, and british bands, and that's about all I listen too.
• When I can afford it, I try to use natural soap and stuff like that whenever possible.
• I have cloth grocery bags, and I use them.
• I recycle (if possible... or convenient)

Written In Red ASL

The choir at South Side is singing this song, Written In Red, for Easter this year. I had the brilliant idea of learning the song in asl and signing it during the service. I already knew some of the signs, and it's a reasonalbly simple song, so i figured it wouldn't be to hard to learn. My plan was to learn it, get it down pretty well, and then offer to sign it. I didn't want to offer until I knew I had it memorized. So I looked up a video and practiced. It wasn't pretty. It really isn't difficult, but I don't sign enough to be smooth. I have another week to practice, and I'm certianly going too! I hope to be good enough by Wednsday that I can sign during choir practice, but we'll have to wait and see!

This is the video I found, check it out!

Love This Pain

I've been on all sides of this song. I've been this girl, with a guy that likes me more than I liked him, and just used him. I've been the writer of this song, pursuing someone that didn't really care about me, and I've watched this play out in the life of a friend. No matter what side I'm on, it's a bad situation. It was fun when I was playing with someone, it was just a game to me, no real emotion involved. But that was hurtful to him, I know that now. When I liked someone like this, it was a deperate longing that left me feeling alone and used. But the most hurtful was watching my friend long for a girl that is just playing with him. I tried to talk to him, but it didn't work. I'm afraid it will take her breaking his heart for him to see what the rest of us already know. I don't want him to be hurt more, but I know that's how this will end....



Love This Pain

Lady Antebellum

She's no good for me
I know that she's a wild flower
She's got a restlessness
A beautifulness, a thing about her
But here I am again calling her back
Letting her drive me crazy

It's like I love this pain a little too much
Love my heart all busted up
Something 'bout her, we just don't work
But I can't walk away
It's like I love this pain

It's just an on again
And off again situation
It's just striking a match
A tank of gas combination
But here I am again lighting it up
Knowing that she'll just burn me

It's like I love this pain a little too much
Love my heart all busted up
Something 'bout her, we just don't work
But I can't walk away
It's like I love this pain

It's like I love this life
When nothing's right, yeah something's wrong
It's like I'm just not me
If I can't be a sad, sad song

It's like I love this pain a little too much
Love my heart all busted up

Something 'bout her, we just don't work
But I can't walk away
It's like I love this pain
Oh yeah, it's like I love this pain
I can't walk away, oh no
It's like I love this pain

Why'd You Come Back?

Tonight someone asked me why I came back to Springfield. He knows me pretty well, knows my past, how I hate Springfield, and how I've spent the last 4 years trying to get out of this town. He knows how excited I was when I left, and how I said I wasn't ever coming back. When I left Springfield last August I thought I was done with this town, and this life. So it's a valid question: Why go back to something that I worked so hard to leave?

I don't know. I wake up every morning and ask myself 'Why the hell am I here?'  I worked so hard to leave, and I never wanted or thought I'd be back. All I know is that I believe God wants me here right now.

I could see in his eyes the real question: 'What was so bad that you would come back to a situation as bad as this?' The answer is nothing. It wasn't that bad. It would have been difficult, for a while, but it wasn't bad. It was acutally pretty good. Even with all my mistakes, it was better than going back to my parent's.

So why am I here? I don't know. But God does. And I'm trusting Him in all of this. Cause this isn't what I wanted or had planned, and I wouldn't have choosen it. But God brought me back, I know it was Him, cause no matter how bad it got I wouldn't have choosen to come back on my own.

Uncertainty....

She was sitting on the examining table, her leg swinging slowly back and forth. Her bright colored skirt swished gently. She looked around the room and sighed. Patience was not her strong point. She flipped her ponytail over her shoulder and started playing with the end of it. A soft knock, and then the door opened. The nurse came in, smiling, and had a stack of papers in her hand.
"OK, I talked to the Dr., she agrees that it's probably nothing but just to be sure we want you to come back in about 6 weeks for a follow-up. OK?"
"Yeah, I can do that."
"OK good. Just set up the appointment with the receptionist. Don't worry, I'm sure it's nothing, we usually don't see this in girls as young as you, but with your family history it's better to be safe than sorry, you know?"
"Yeah absolutely. I totally understand." She smiled, but it wasn't real.
"Well I'll see you in about 6 weeks then." The nurse handed her the papers, and left her to gather her things and leave the examining room. She walked out to the receptionist's desk. 
"Hi, do you need to check out?" Trudi. That was the name on her name tag. It was a nice, fun name.
"Yes. And I need to make an appointment in 6 weeks too. Here's my paperwork."
"OK thanks. I'll get that set up for you right now." Trudi took the papers and glanced at them, then did a double take. She looked up at the girl, sympathy showing on her face. "I haven't seen you here before, are you new?"
"Yeah I am, I just moved here."
"Well, welcome to our office."
"Thanks."
"You're, what, 19, 20?"
"I"m 21."
"Oh ok," The sympathy was back on her face.  "You look younger. But you probably hear that a lot." She laughed, but it sounded forced. She was just making small talk, trying to avoid talking about what was written on the paper in front of her.
"Yeah I've been told that a lot." The receptionist continued with the small talk, but she had stopped listening. The follow-up appointment was made, and she left the office. She walked out of the building, and across the parking lot. Her keys had ended up at the bottom of her bag, like always, and it took at least 30 seconds to fish them out. Her hands were shaking, and she dropped them, and then finally unlocked the door and got in her little car. She pulled her phone out, and started a call. After three rings, someone picked up.
"Hello?"
"Hi Mom. I just finished at the Dr's."
"Oh, how did it go?"
"It went fine, they said it's nothing. I have to go back in 6 weeks just to be sure, but I'm fine." She tried to keep her voice calm, and steady. She didn't want her mom to know she didn't believe what she was saying.
"Oh good! I'm so relieved. Your dad will be pleased to hear this, we've been praying all day."
"Thanks Mom, and thank Dad too."
"Are you coming for dinner Thursday night? I know your brother would love to see you."
"Of course I'll be there, I'm looking forward to it."
"Ok, well I need to go, but it was good to hear from you. And I'm so glad that it turned out to be nothing."
"Yeah me too. Ok, I'll see you Thursday night. Bye Mom."
"Bye hon. It'll all be OK."
She ended the call and put the phone on the passenger seat. She gripped the steering wheel, closed her eyes, and cried. What if it wasn't OK? What if it wasn't OK ever again? 

400 And Counting

I just realized I have over 400 posts on this blog! Yay for me! I'm hoping to top 500 by August, since this August will be two years since my first post. I think 500 in two years is pretty impressive, don't you?

Hunger Games Soundtrack

"How bad is it that I'm a lot more excited about the Hunger Games soundtrack than I am about the actual movie?"

I said this to someone a few weeks ago, and it was entirely true. Unfortunalty, I was dissapointed in both the movie and the soundtrack. They were both good, just not spectacular. And I was expecting specatular. So it was one of those,  If-I-hadn't-been-expecting-so-much-I-wouldn't-have-been-dissapointed things. Which is kinda sad. The soundtrack was ok, even good. Just not amazing. And I wanted amazing.

Directions

I had dinner with Josh and Charity tonight. It was really good! I got to talk to them about everything that has happened, and they had some good insight into all of that, as well as some very helpful advice. We also got to talk about South Side, the ministry there, and where they are wanting to take the singles class. It was weird, cause their vision, and my desires lined up perfectly. We want the same things for the Reach class, and they're more than willing to listen to my ideas. And they're excited to have me back! Charity said that she feels like God brought me back for a specific reason, to help South Side, and that if I let Him, He can accomplish a lot in the church through me. Which is exactly what Kim said Saturday night. I didn't think there was any way God could use this, I thought I had screwed it up too badly for that. But it's starting to look like that's not true, that God actually has a plan for all this, and maybe, just maybe, it can actually be used for good. It brought me home, and it seems like this is the best place for me right now. Not just for me to heal, and to learn, and to be encouraged, but the best place for me to serve. I know South Side, inside and out. I know the people, and the heart of the church. And now I'm confident enough to want to make changes, to speak my mind, to offer opinions, but I know I don't have it all figured out, and so I'm more than willing to take criticism as well.

I was kinda depressed earlier today, I was missing my friends in Rolla. And I still do miss them, desperately, but I'll get to see them soon, and we'll stay in touch. It will be different, and I know I'll still miss them a lot, but I know, God has shown me so many times in the past few days, that ministering at South Side is what I need to be doing right now. This church has been through so much in the past few years, there is so little left, that in some ways it's like building it from the ground up again. There are so many areas I'm passionate about, and I want to see improved. And, crazy as it may seem, the leadership wants me to be a part of it, maybe even a big part of it. Josh said that he wishes the church was in a place to just hire me as an intern and work for the church full-time, because I have the ideas, the passion, and the desire for that, but the church just isn't in a place where they can do that. Yet. Funnily enough, James said the same thing...

James

Hey James,

First I want to say that I'm sorry for that Friday night. I was upset, and angry, and depressed, and I just wanted to forget and have a good time. I shouldn't have acted that way, I shouldn't have gotten drunk. It was my choice, and it was most definetly the wrong one. I know that I annoy you sometimes, and I'm sorry for that as well. I'm trying to stop, really I am. About the whole asking you out thing, I was curious, and I should have just kept it to myself, or better yet ignored it, but I didnt. I never do. I'd rather try something, and fail, or try something and learn from it than to never try at all. Still, it wasn't my best move ever.

You're one of my best friends, and I don't want to lose that friendship. I'm sorry for the drama, and stress, and annoyance that comes with knowing me, and I want you to know that I am trying to be better! I hope someday we can go back to how it was, just hanging out and being friends. If we can't, I totally understand. I really do. But I hope you'll give me another chance.

Sincerly sorry,
Rae

Over You

For Andy. You went away at Christmas, so many years ago... But I still miss you, and I'll never get over you. You are, and always will be my big brother.


Over You
Weather man said it’s gonna snow
By now I should be used to the cold
Mid-February shouldn’t be so scary
It was only December
I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I’m not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along
With every song
I know you didn’t mean to give them to me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone

Cause you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

An Idea...

This evening I met with my pastor, James, and his wife Kim. It was by far one of the best conversations I've had in a long time! They listened to my whole story and didn't judge me at all. They understood why I did what I did, and just want me to heal. They're glad I came back to South Side, even under those circumstances, and are thankful that it didn't end worse than it did, cause it certainly could have. Both of them are only concerened with my well-being, and are willing to do whatever it takes to help me heal, from all of my past issues, not just the most recent ones. It may sound strange, but they really want me to be involved in South Side, in a big way. That means a lot to me! That they would be willing to take someone as broken as me, and give them responsibility in the church. Some people wouldn't do that. Kim said that she's been praying for someone to come to the church that has the skills and desire to work in the Next Steps prgram for the local at-risk kids. They want someone to do the administrative stuff, like behind the scence stuff. Paper work, phone calls, organizing groups, getting volunteers, even working with the ciriculum a bit. James and Kim want me to consider taking on this program, like being a director! It's crazy, but I actually want to! They also want my ideas on how to help South Side reach out into the college world, which is great because I already waned to get involved in the local CCF and BSU. It just seems like I fit here, like there is important work for me to do at South Side, which is funny cause I just said the other day that I want to get seriously involved in a church. I didn't think it would be here, but if this is where God wants me, I'm ok with it. I'm excited about this program, I think it's really important for these kids, and I'm honored that I'll get to be a part of it. James and Kim even said that if I want, and it works out, next fall I can run the program! Crazy! It totally fits tho! I'm up for Day Camp Director at West River Center in Maryland this summer. That position would basicly be this job on steriods, all summer, so I'd come back with tons of ideas and experience to make the Next Steps program even better. I don't know that I'll get the job at West River, there are a few other people up for it as well. I hope I do tho, it would be such a great learning experience!
This is just an idea, totally just James and Kim and I brainstorming, but they want to, someday, open up a camp like Camp David, for at-risk kids in Springfield. They already have a campground picked out and avalible, they know who they would get to be the directors, and they have a list of churches and Christain ministry groups that would partner with them in creating this camp... And James and Kim said that if I'm over the Next Steps prgram at that point, and believe it to be God's will, it would be natural to step over and help run the camp. So crazy to even think about that! Who would have thought that just a couple of weeks after leaving Camp David someone would be talking to me about not only working for another, similar camp, but actually helping to create, and run it. So not what I was expecting! I don't know that this will happen at all, it just depends on if I'm still here and if it's what God wants, but it's interestng to think about anyways.
So I don't exactly know what the future holds, but I know I'm going to stay in Springfield, at least till summer. There are so many different things I could get involved with at South Side.

This is just one of the many, many different ideas bouncing around in my head right now.  There are so many different things I could do, directions I could go. I'm not sure what will happen in the next few months, or where I'll end up, but I'm super excited to see what God has in store for me in the long run, cause I know it's gotta be pretty freaking awesome if he keeps saving me from myself for it.

Can't Stay....

I've living with my parents and siblings right now. I can't stay here. It's so awful, theres fighting all the time, animals everywhere, it's dirty and loud. No one actually cooks, it's all just convieniece food that you warm up yourself, and theres never enough of it to go around. The whole house smells like cats, and it seems like everything is dirty. All of this irritates me, a lot. But that's not the worse part. It's the hateful attitude everyone here has. No one cares aobut anyone else, no looks out for others, there are no kind words or encouragment at all. It's all just "You didn't" or "You should" or "Shut up, stupid." It'a always been this way, so I don't know why I try to change it, but I do. And I fail, everytime. I had to leave last year, I couldn't stand it one more day. And I'm right back there now, I feel like I'll just curl up and die if I have to stay here any longer... I know some people here in Springfield that would take me in, and my pastor knows of a few more I can ask... I hope to be gone within a week. How awful is that? That I litterally cannot stand to live in the same house as my family? I love them, I'd die for them, but I won't live with them. It sounds so shallow and selfish, but it's my reality. I simply cannot stay here, I'll start drinking again to deal with all of it, and that's where a lot of my problems began in the first place.

Home

I don't really have a home. Not in the traditional sense. Yes I told my friends I was going home, and I meant my parent's house in Springfield, but that really isn't my home. I imagine home is a place that is safe, warm, happy, loving, and accepting. My parent's house is none of those. It never has been, and while my friend's homes have been nice, I've never been somewhere that feels like I imagine home should feel like. Even camp, while being safe, didn't fulfill what I expect home to feel like. Maybe I'm setting my sights too high, maybe that isn't what home actually feels like, I don't know. I hope it does tho, and that someday I'll get to be somewhere that feels like home.

College

One of my friends commented on my Facebook staus about looking at colleges. I wrote three paragraphes before i decided to post it on here instead of Facebook. It was too much info, and I knew he's see it either way :p

Me: Looking at colleges... Haven't done this in few years!

Him:  Now you know what my last couple months have been like. :)

Me: Yeah, I did all this my senior year of high school... Which was a lot longer ago than i'd like to admit. I'd forgotten some of this stuff.  Anyways, after high school life got complicated and I never got around to appying anywhere, and now that I have time and I know what I'd like to do with my life I think it's time to start looking into college again...
It's both fun, and terrifing! I have a better understanding of myself now, so I know I'll enjoy, say Public Speaking more than Systematic Theology, but I'm terrified that I'm too old to start college. Most people are getting ready to graduate at my age, and I'm just begining to think about starting. Not even starting classes, just thinking about it.
The school I'm looking at is Mid-South Christian College in Memphis, TN. They offer a Bachelor of Arts in Christian Leadership degree that I'm really interested in. It's a practical, hand on approach to learning how to plant, build, and work in a church. That's what I want to do, but I don't want a bunch of theolgy courses that leave me with a lot of head knowledge but not a lot of practical experience. This program offers both! And the best part? No math classes! Shallow, I know, but I really don't enjoy math. I read the entire course catalog this evening, and I'm starting to get a little excited. There are a lot of classes that I'm really interested in taking. We'll have to see what happeneds, but I don't think I'd mind going to this school :)

I just discovered a problem with this plan: In addition to the courses I'd have to complete to earn my degree... There are at least 50 other courses I want to take... This could end badly. Either I won't get to take them and I'll be unhappy, or I'll be in school for an extra two years lol

All The Broken Pieces

I was feeling down all day, I've been depressed and upset about some of the choices I've made recently. I was feeling really hopeless, and like it couldn't possibly be fixed. I had to get out, so i grabbed my mp3 player and walked into the woods. As I was walking, I was talking to God. I felt so hopeless, like my life was broken, like I had screwed everything up so bad even He couldn't use it anymore. This song started playing, and it was like God was talking right to me through it's words. The verses corosponded with what I was saying perfectly, even when I was crying too hard to speak, the words of the song fit with what I was thinking. It was the most audible conversation I've ever had with God.


Did you feel, feel it break
From all the weight of your mistake?
You never knew how much it cost
Feels like your innocence is lost
So much for the perfect life
So much for the perfect day
It’s like no matter how you try
Perfection’s just too far away

"Father, I messed it all up so bad. Everything was going really well until I decided I wanted to do it my way. How can you use this? How can you fix what I've messed up?"


So lift them up to me
All the broken pieces
All the broken pieces of your life
To me
All the broken pieces
All the broken pieces of your life

"Father, how can you fix this? Everything is broken, all of my life. I made so many mistakes, how can you take me back and use what I've done?"


Did you hear what I said?
Did you read the words I wrote down in red?
I was broken once for you
And no one loves you like I do
And that’s the beauty of this grace
It can put the pieces back in place
And shine reflections of forgiveness
In a million different ways

"Only You, Father. Only You still love me, only You can see any good in this. Can you put me back together? Can you fix the brokeness in me? I failed so much, I fell so far..."

I can take even your greatest mistake
Every scar, every tear, every break
And I can turn it in to something more beautiful
Than you have ever seen
So lift them up to Me

"It's all yours, Father. Only You can take this mess I've made and use it. I give it all to You. My life is Yours, my future is Yours. Everything I am, everything I have, it's all Yours."

The Healing Has Begun

You have carried the weight of your secret for way too long
Thinking if there is a place called forgiveness you don't belong
Oh, but freedom can never be found behind those walls
So just let 'em fall
Just let 'em fall

Oh, the healing has begun
Oh, the healing has begun

How long has it been since you've felt anything but shame
Child, lift up your eyes cause mercy remembers your name
And those tears you've been holding back
Let 'em fall like rain
Cause today is the day
Yeah today is the day

Oh, the healing has begun
Oh, the healing has begun
Oh, the healing has begun
Oh, the healing has begun

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Yeah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Just lift your eyes
Lay it down
What once was lost
Has now been found
Oh, oh

There's a world full of people dying from broken hearts
Holding on to their guilt thinking they fell too far
So don't be afraid to show them your beautiful scars
Cause they're the proof
Yeah, you're the proof

Oh, the healing has begun
Oh, the healing has begun
Oh, the healing has begun
I believe
Oh, the healing has begun
Oh, the healing has begun
Oh, the healing has begun
Oh, the healing has begun

The Future?

Today one of my friends told me something that answered so many questions, explained so much, and yet left me with a thousand new questions. He said I need to figure out what I want to do in life and work towards that goal. I realized I've been restless for months, wondering what I was going to do with my life, and where I was going, without ever putting it into words. I thought for a few months that Christian camping might be it, but God showed me at the CCCA Sectional that that's not what He has for me. I know I want to work in Christian ministry, and I'm thinking, maybe like in a church?
I have so many ideas for a church, I've been involved in several churches and I've gotten to see and experience a lot! I think I'd like to be involved in building a church from the ground up, but I don't know if that's what God wants. I know I want to really be part of a church, more than I have been recently. I would like to work at a camp this summer, I don't know which one yet, but I'd like to work at one. I want to be more invovled than I was last summer, I want to work with the kids instead of just working in the background.
I think I'd like to take some bible classes at some point too, maybe in the fall? I'm not sure what to do about this one. There are several really good bible universities in Springfield, but I can't stay here. I've only been here a couple of days and already it's almost as bad as it was before I left. I can't stay with my family.
But if I stayed in Springfield then I'd get to work at South Side, which would be awesome! There is a school in Memphis that I've looked into before, that seems really cool.
First tho, I really need to figure out my doctrine. I don't really know where I stand on a lot of issues, simply because I know what I do believe, and that's always been enough for me. But I know I need to figure out everything else and stop avoiding those issues.
I'm not sure if I should go back to Rolla at all, if I get the job at the summer camp then I'd only be there for a couple of months, and I think that time would be better spent being discipled here. But there's the whole I-have-no-where-to-live thing. So now I think I have a direction to go in, but I'm still really confused and I definetly don't have it all figured out! So now I'm going to meet with my pastor and his wife, my small-group leaders, my best friends here, and talk about this. And pray a lot!

Prodigal

"Prodigal"

Living on my own, thinking for myself
Castles in the sand, temporary wealth
Walls are falling down, storms are closing in
Tears have filled my eyes, here I am again

And I've held out as long as I can
Now I'm letting go and holding out my hand

Daddy, here I am again
Will You take me back tonight
I went and made the world my friend
And it left me high and dry
I drag Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in
Not worthy to be called Your son
Is this to be my end
Daddy, here I am
Here I am again

Curse this morning sun
Drags me in to one more day
Of reaping what I've sown
Of living with my shame
Welcome to my world
And the life that I have made
Where one day you're a prince
The next day you're a slave

And I've held out as long as I can
Now I'm letting go and holding out my hand

Daddy, here I am again
Will You take me back tonight
I went and made the world my friend
And it left me high and dry
I drag Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in
Not worthy to be called Your son
Is this to be my end
Daddy, here I am
Here I am again

Prodigal Daughter

So in the past couple of months I got to re-enact the parable of the prodigal child. It wasn't pretty. I quit working at Camp David, i moved out, i found and then lost a job, i started drinking a lot more, i got drunk, partied, and made out with someone i don't really know. I burned through almost $300 in three weeks, and have nothing to show for it. I ignored all the rules, and everything I've been taught is right, and did what I wanted. It was really awful. I messed up so many good things, and damaged most of my friendships here in Rolla. I don't have a place to live, a job, a church, or even friends here anymore. Yeah ther are a few people that aren't irritated with me, but it's just a few and since I don't know many people to begin with, it's a pretty big percentage of people that are upset with me.

I'm really afraid I've completely screwed up the chance of anything ever happening with Tim. I know I've behaved badly, I've cuddled with random guys, including his roommate, and made out with someone, and gotten drunk, and partied, and I know I must look like a slut to him. I have no idea what he thinks of me right now, and no matter what it is, I don't blame him. I honestly can't even express how sorry and ashamed I am about this. I say I'm willing to wait for him, and that he's worth it, that I like him that much, but then turn around and do something like that.... it's so wrong. I don't even know why I did any of those things. I guess cause I could, cause there weren't any rules to stop me. Which is a really lame excuse. So I'm not going to use it. I chose to do all those things, and I deserve the consequences of the choices I made. And if one of those consequences is that Tim decides to not have anything to do with me, that's ok. I will totally understand. If he was doing those things I would be upset, so I have no right to expect anything different from him.

I decided I needed to get away for a few days, process all this, and figure out life. So I came home. But once I got here, I realized this isn't home anymore. Yes, I love my family, and my church, but this isn't where I belong. They're all doing just fine without me, they've moved on, and there really isn't a place for me here anymore. And I'm ok with that. It was so good to see everyone at church today, and I'm super excited to get to hang out with them for a week or two, but I'm already missing Rolla and my life there.  Right now I feel like God is telling me to take a break, talk to people wiser than me, and process all this. But then to go home. Go back to Rolla and continue to build my life there. That's what I'm thinking right now. But that may change in a few days....

St. Pat's In Rolla

So i got to spend part of St. Patrick Day weekend in Rolla. Now, if you didn't know, St. Pat is the patron saint of the Missouri University of Science and Technology, (don't ask me how that happened) and they get a little crazy about this holiday. Actually they get a lot crazy. First, the University lets students have two days off of classes. Most schools don't have days off for St. Pat's at all. Apparently students start drinking a week in advance, and a lot show up to classes drunk. I'm not a student, so I haven't gotten to experience this, but my friends have told me about it. The past several days (Wednesday night through sometime Sunday) Rolla pretty much turns into a giant frat party. This I did get to experience. It was interesting. A bunch of us from the college class at the Methodist church decided to go up on the roof of the church and camp there Friday night. The roof had a layer of gravel (no idea why) so we decided the camping was out, but we could still have a party up there. So we got music, and alcohol and a bunch of people, and hung out up there for part of the night. There was a lot of alcohol. Apparently getting drunk is part of "experiencing St. Pats at S&T"... I got to experience this part. I've never been drunk before, and it was definitely fun at the time, but I'll never do it again. There was loud music, and some of us were dancing, which was super fun! It was kinda like being at a club. Now, I've been told that getting drunk and sleeping with random people is all just part of St. Pat's. I'm very glad to say that I didn't partake of this particular tradition. I did kiss one guy... kinda. He mostly missed, but i think it still counts. I cuddled with him too, later when i was far to drunk to stand up. I'm pretty sure I kinda made out with one guy, but it didn't last more than a couple of minutes, and he didn't get far. I remember all of the night, but it's like I'm looking at it through a distorted glass. It doesn't all quite match up. So that was my St. Pat's experience. It's something I whole-heartedly regret and will never do again. I'm pretty sure I enjoyed it at the time, but it's so not worth it now. My friends from church have a slightly different view of me now, and I was upset enough about the whole thing to call my mentor from my home church, which lead to me going home for a few weeks, but that's another post. So, all in all, it was a different and interesting experience. But not something I will ever repeat. Dance party on the roof? Heck yes! If it involves alcohol? Hell no.

Homesick

The past few days I've been feeling down, but I couldn't figure out why.hen I figured it out. I'm homesick. This is the first time I've ever been homesick, so I had no idea what it felt like. I miss my sisters, and my little brother. I miss my parents, I miss my friends. I miss my church, and I miss my dog. I miss the familiarity of the streets in Springfield, and I miss the back country roads I would drive when I needed to get away. I miss knowing, and understanding exactly where my life was headed, even if it sucked. I miss walking around the cemetary, talking on the phone. And driving past my church just to see if anyone was there to talk too. I miss my dance classes, and hanging out with people for hours aftrwards. I miss driving home at 3 in the morning cause I lost track of time with my best friends. I miss playing Mafia for hours, and I miss the good radio stations. I miss walking around the mall with my girlfriends, and I miss Starbucks. I miss my puppy jumping on me when I got home, and I miss having a McDonalds within walking distance no matter where you are. I miss the concerts, and the Artwalk downown.

I don't know where my life is going, or even what I want. My back up plan (Texas) doesn't even sound good anymore. I want someone to fix everything, tell me exactly what I need to do, and how to do it.  But no one will. It's just me and God now. I have to figure life out, and I don't want to. I want to go home and pretend everything is ok. I'm homesick. I want to go home.

Choices

I have two choices before me right now.

1. Stay in Rolla. Find a job here, keep attending FUMC, get my own place. Stay here with my friends, and continue to build the life I've started here. The only problem is that my friends here, will only be here for the next year.

2. Move back to Springfield. Get a job there, live with Karissa, go back to Southside and get involved with everyone again. I'll be closer to my family and the friends I've known longer, and are more settled (i.e. won't be graduating in a year)

I'm really not sure what to do about this. I actually like both of these options. I'm really not sure what to do.

Colors

Color means a lot to me. I love colors, and I use them to describe things that wouldn't usually be described by colors. Like stages of my life.
For instance, last spring i was red and black. Angry at the world, indifferent to most people, and not happy at all. I was cocky, and loud, and very much an actress. I pretended to be many different things, to different people, and i was ok with that.
Then I changed, and I was shades of gray. Insecure, needy, and depressed.
And now I feel like I'm all the colors of the rainbow. I'm bright, and confident, happy, and whole. I like these colors. I want to stay like this.

Results

So this evening I went to dinner with James. It was very helpful, and insightful. We are most certainly just friends. He seriously likes someone else, and so do I. Unfortunately both of those people don't seem interested in either of us.  James and i spend a lot of time together, and talk a lot, and do a lot of things that couples do, so i wanted to see if there was anything more than friendship there. There isn't. We're good friends, and that's all. I'm no longer confused. Well, about that anyways :p We can be friends, hang out, make dinner, watch movies, even cuddle, and it just be a friendship. Which is good. Cause I still like someone else... James' roommate, which has made this whole process incredibly complicated. I'm not entirely sure what he thinks of me right now, but it's prolly not good. So my evening was very interesting!

Update

My life has turned inside out and upside down in the past couple of weeks. I left camp david, moved in with a family in Rolla, i'm looking for a new job, and asked a guy out. It's been pretty crazy!

I like living with the McClanahans, they're super nice and very caring, but also give me my space. Which is really important to me. They live right in town too, which is really nice! It takes about 7 1/2 minutes to get to the guys place (i timed it) and about 5 to get to church.

I'm looking for a job, i have a couple of leads, and i'm pretty sure i can find one in a few weeks. In the meantime, i'll just be broke lol

I asked out one of my best friends, James. Well, actually, i asked him when he was going to ask me out. We've been spending most weekends, and a lot of week nights together the past few months. His roommate, Alex, is dating my roommate, Laura, so the four of us just hang out a lot. A couple weeks ago i realized that i think i might like James. We were sitting on the couch, watching tv, with his arms around me, and i realized that i like being with him. He knows i like his roommate, and he's kinda shy, so i decided that if anything was going to happen, i was going to have to initiate it. So i did. We're going to start with dinner sometime, and see what happens. Probably nothing, but we won't know if we don't try.

Well thats the past two weeks in a nutshell, but the rest will have to wait till later.

Sorrow

Sorrow
Algernon Charles Swinburne


Sorrow, on wing through the world for ever,
Here and there for awhile would borrow
Rest, if rest might haply deliver
Sorrow.

One thought lies close in her heart gnawn thorough
With pain, a weed in a dried-up river,
A rust-red share in an empty furrow.

Hearts that strain at her chain would sever
The link where yesterday frets to-morrow:
All things pass in the world, but never
Sorrow.

???

So last night I compared myself to a girl I know. This girl is very strong, independent, a “wears the pants” type, and knows what she wants and generally gets it. Some people find her a little abrasive, and she can come across as controlling.

I said that I was similar to her (kinda jokingly) and that’s why we get along so well, and my friends agreed, with this added: “Yeah you are like that, but you’re a lot nicer about it.”  Wow, thanks guys.  I was just kidding, but apparently I am like that. Dammit, I need to work on that! I like to think of myself as a pretty laid back person, but if I'm really like this, I have a very screwed perception of myself.

Continuing...

Linda said she's worried that if i leave Camp David, I'll end up back where i was a year ago. She's afraid I won't seek out Christian individuals to disciple me, and that without the constant influence of God here, I'll slip back to just going through the motions. She has a valid concern, and I'm afraid of that too. Which is why I don't think it will happen. I love how far I've come, and I don't want to lose the relationship I have with God. I've already begun to find people to speak into my life, and for a while I'll actually be living with one of them. It will be more difficult, just cause God is everywhere here, but I know if I continue to seek after Him, I'll find Him no matter where I am or what I'm doing.
Right now, I believe that leaving is the best option for me. But that doesn't mean it won't be hard. I will miss the people, I will miss the fellowship, and I will miss being part of something that is really making a difference. I know I won't be happy unless I'm part of something bigger than just an ordinary life, but I don't know what that is yet. So I'm waiting for God's direction, and while I'm waiting, I'll be making sure I'm in the safest and healthiest enviroment possible. That isn't camp anymore. So I'm moving on. Not necessarily to "bigger and better things" just to something different.   

Not Pass?

Dumbledore: I'd like to introduce you to your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: YOU...SHALL NOT...PASS!
Dumbledore: Well that was kind of harsh. I mean classes haven't even started yet.

This was too funny not to share! 

Music Project

I finished the music project!!!! I'm very happy. Grace is pleased with the list of songs I gave her, and I've burned a CD for her to listen to them. It only took a bucketful of tears, but I did it! I'm quite happy with the result, I think it's a good mix of songs, and I think everyone will like it. And I'm done!!!

Roommates

Roommates. Laura and I. Together. At this point, I'm not sure we could survive without each other. I need her sense of humor, and how she tells it to me straight, even if it's "You're a stupid idiot, you're about to screw this up."  Which I sometimes need to hear. And she needs me, for slightly more practical reasons. Like tonight, I was coaching her on what to say during an interview, as well as helping her find appropriate clothes. And helping her fill out an application... Not to mention that I got her the interview in the first place. She needs someone to remind her to clean her room, and do her laundry, but I need someone to talk to, and to make me laugh. And I need someone who is more outgoing, to pull me out of my shell sometimes. So we make a good match. So I think it's a good thing that we're trying on getting an apartment together. It will be different from living at camp. We'll both have different jobs, and we will have far less rules and restrictions, but I'm confident that Laura will behave appropriately... And smack me when I don't. It will also force both of us to act more responsibly. Which will be good for us.

Touch II

I've talked about touch before, but I don't really understand everything about how and why it's such a big deal to me. And not a big deal at the same time. When I'm being held, everything is fine. I'm safe, I'm loved, I'm protected, and no matter what has been going on, it'll all be ok.  
So the other night I was hanging out with some friends, and something different happened. I'd had a tough day, really a tough week, and I was upset. I like to be held when I'm upset, it's comforting and calming for me. Anyways, I ended up cuddling with a guy that I don't like. This guy has a girlfriend, I knew that when i sat next to him. I expected him to put his arm around me, but he took it to a whole new level. He made me feel warm and safe. At the end of the night he hugged me, and I thanked him for holding me.
It's confusing, because it felt good, but I'm not attracted to him at all. I'm just not. I don't know him, but from what I've seen he's a player. I don't respect him, trust him, or care about him. Even after all that.  It doesn't mean anything to me. It can be any guy, it doesn't matter, as long as he's holding me I feel great. There isn't any connection between us, if that makes sense. They can touch my body, make me feel loved and safe, but if I don't give them any of my heart, mind or soul, then it doesn't really matter. However, if I like the guy, if I trust him or respect him, then it's entirely different. The other night, I felt safe for a couple of hours, and then it was gone. A simple hug from someone I care about can last for days.
I don't know why being touched is such a big deal for me. I kind of wish it wasn't. It would make everything so much easier. The situation I'm living in now, I can go days, even a week or two without being touched at all. Even a quick hug, or a hand on my shoulder, it's not there. Most of the time I feel like my colors are fading, like I'll simply fade away if I can't have contact with people soon.

Wandering

‎"Not all those who wander are lost."
-J.R.R. Tolkien


I sometimes feel like I'm wandering through life, just wanting to see what's out there, and trying to experience everything. I won't ever have a nice job, or a comfortable, stable life. But I have and will continue to see, experience, and enjoy many different styles of life. Mostly, I'm happy with this lifestyle. Staying in one place for a year or two, and then finding a new place, new friends and a new way of life. I don't know if I want to live this way forever, but for now, while I'm young, why not? 

Left Out?

I just spent 15 minutes looking through my mom's photo albums on facebook. I was trying to see if there were any funny or embarassing pictures of me. I shouldn't have worried. There are lots of pictures of my mom's animals, and the concerts she's been too. As well as photos of her and my dad, and my three siblings and their friends. Almost none of me. I don't know why i expected something different. I've never been close to my mom, she doesn't really like me much, or like to spend time with me, so she wouldn't have many pictures of me. Oh well. Such is my life.

Safety

Psalms 2:12b

"Blessed are all those that go to Him for safety." 

I've never thought about going to God for safety. I know I'm supposed to trust Him to keep me safe, but I never pictured it quite like this. I'm picturing a little kid, running to God, and God bent down with His arms open wide, just waiting to wrap the kid in a hug, pick her up, and protect her from everything that could hurt her. I know that's not actually accurate, God will allow things that will hurt us to help us grow, but He never allows more than we can handle. I've read this before, but it just hit me in a different way the other day.