Burn Out

It's only January, but i'm already feeling burnt out. I'm tired, but in a way that's so much more than just physical. I'm tired of life, of work, it seems of everything. Nothing is interesting right now, not my work projects, food, tv, books, even hanging out with friends doesn't hold much appeal for me. Music is all that really captures my attention, and i'm constantly surrounded by music. That was my first clue that i'm stressed and worn out beyond normal; for the last week or so i've been wearing headphones almost constantly. When i'm having a hard time with reality, i put on my headphones and block out the world, and stay safe within my music.
I haven't been this tired since last spring, when i was working two jobs, studying, taking care of the kids, volunteering at my church, and keeping up with all my friends.
I'm tired of walking out of my room, putting on a smile, and pretending everything is OK, when all i really want to do is scream "Leave me alone and let me sleep!"

Where Do I Fit?

The other day Laura showed me a new way to do my hair. It was really simple, but it was one of those moments that make me wonder what i missed, growing up the way i did. I wonder... What would it have been like if i had an older sister, or a mom, that had taught me stuff like that. How to do my hair, taken me dress shopping, showed me how to put on make-up or flirt with boys. Or just showed me how to be a girl. I feel like i'm caught between a girl and a tomboy. I don't really know how to be a girl, but i' not any good at being a tomboy. I don't play sports, i'm hopeless a fixing things, and i'm not into comic books or video games.
So where do i fit?

What's Good For Me

Today i had one of those moments when everything becomes clear. The last few months suddenly make sense. A few days ago someone compared me to Daphne, the girl from the What A Girl Wants movie. In the storyline, she goes from a wild, spontaneous, rebellious girl to a proper English young lady, and back again. The comparison was that she went from one extreme to the other, but she eventually went back to her original lifestyle. When i came to CDO in May i was willing to state my opinion, stand up for others, fight for what i believe in, and make up my own mind. I didn't blindly accept whatever was told to me, i was willing to break rules i didn't agree with, and stand against things i thought were wrong, even if it meant i would lose something.
Now i don't challenge things i think are wrong. I don't voice my opinion, i don't stand up for myself or others. I just accept whatever the leadership says, no matter what i really think.
I don't like this. One of the leadership said at the beginning of the summer that they liked my directness, that i was willing to state my opinion even if i wasn't what everyone wanted to hear. Before, i was angry and looking for a fight, my world was fiery, and it was ok to be alone. Now I'm a doormat, I'm clingy and i need constant encouragement, and i hate being left alone. My whole world seems darker.
Neither is healthy, and i need to find the balance somewhere in the middle.
Lately I've felt like something wasn't right, like i was living a half-life. Like I'm missing an important part of me. It's my confidence. I've lost confidence in myself, my abilities, and my contribution to the world in general. I've made my identity all about being an intern. I breathe, sleep, and think this ministry, but that's wrong. I can work for this ministry, i can do my best and i can be involved, but it can't be my life. If it is then in August when I'm finished here, i will have no other life, and no identity.  There will be nothing left of me. This reality is terrifying, and i refuse to let this happen.
The leadership isn't very happy with me right now. In the past few weeks I've started speaking out more, and not just accepting what they say. Julia says I'm acting more confident, and i seem happier lately.
I can see daylight, and I'm leaving behind the half-life. I'm gonna do what it takes to be the person I am underneath all this.

Stop Trying

For most of my teens i was on one diet or another. I tried a lot of different programs but none of them worked very well. I finally gave up about a year ago. I was ok with how i looked. I knew i could be healthier, but for the most part i was ok with all that. Then i started working at CDO and my whole life pretty much imploded and diets were the last thing i wanted to think about. I stopped trying to lose weight... And that's when i started dropping pounds. I've lost over 20 pounds since i started here, and i wsn't even trying too! Once i accepted myslef how i was, that was when i began to change. Funny, huh?

The Lost Friend

The Lost Friend
Amy Levy


The people take the thing of course,
They marvel not to see
This strange, unnatural divorce
Betwixt delight and me.

I know the face of sorrow, and I know
Her voice with all its varied cadences;
Which way she turns and treads; how at her ease
Things fit her dreary largess to bestow.

Where sorrow long abides, some be that grow
To hold her dear, but I am not of these;
Joy is my friend, not sorrow; by strange seas,
In some far land we wandered, long ago.

O faith, long tried, that knows no faltering!
O vanished treasure of her hands and face!--
Beloved--to whose memory I cling,
Unmoved within my heart she holds her place.

And never shall I hail that other "friend,"
Who yet shall dog my footsteps to the end.

What Do You Love?

"What do you love? No inhibitions, just write what you love."

God                  Writing

Music                My Dog

Sunshine           Memories

Laughter           Friends

Singing              Waterfalls

Books               Photos
Colour              Sand

Light                 Fields

Flowers            Fences

Warmth           Happiness

Quiet              Sound

Worth Waiting For?

"Is it worth waiting for? Is this important enough to you, that you would wait for it? Or is it something you are going to decide you need now?"

She glanced down, then up at Him. "But if I give it to You now, I might not get it back."

"That's true,you might not. You might get something better, something different, or you just might get this back. But if you give it to Me for a time, and wait on Me, this will be better than you can imagine now. But you don't know what will happen, and I will not reveal My plan to you yet. Do you believe that I love you above all others?"

"I know that You do, but I don't believe that You do."

"You will have to trust Me, and let go of this. It will be hard, but I will be beside you all the way through it. I'll ask again, "Is this worth waiting for?"

Tears formed in her eyes as she looked up at Him. "Yes, it is." Her voice broke on the last word, and the tears began to fall. He wrapped His arms around her, and cradled her while she wept. "I'm here," He whispered, "I'll always be here. I love you."

Whatever It Takes

So this morning i was listening to music, and Lifehouse's song Whatever It Takes came on. It actually describes all the relationships in my life really well. I don't let people in. I give them my time, my energy, and my skills, but i don't give them me. I don't let them see the broken pieces, or when I'm hurting. Then they get frustrated or confused and leave. And i don't blame them. I'd do whatever it takes to change... But i don't know how. So I'm stuck, wanting to let people in, but not knowing how i can.  

Whatever It Takes
 

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

The Story Of Us

"I used to know my spot was next to you
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on

Oh, a simple complication
Miscommunications lead to fallout
So many things that I wish you knew
So many walls up, I can't break through

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know, is it killing you
Like it's killing me

I don't know what to say


The battle's in your hands now
But I would lay my armor down
If you'd say you'd rather love then fight

So many things that you wish I knew
But the story of us might be ending soon..."

That Girl

Where is the girl i used to be? The girl that would stand up for herself, and those around her? The girl that wasn't afraid of the leaders, and would confront them if she thought they were wrong. Where is the girl that was willing to risk everything: friends, jobs, even a place to live if she believed something needed changed? The girl that was on fire, ready to fight for her beliefs. Where is that girl? What has happened to her? She wouldn't just accept the rules, no questions asked. She wouldn't have any problem breaking them to pieces just to prove a point. What has happened to me? How have i changed so much in just a few months? That girl was me this summer, but now.... She's gone and i want her back. 

Where is that girl?

Living in Your Workplace

Advantages of living where you work:

1. You can sleep till 5 minuets before work starts.
2. You can fold your laundry on break.
3. You don't have to worry about packing a lunch, your kitchen is 10 feet away.
4. You can take a shower during your lunch break. 
5. You save fuel and wear and tear on your car, cause it stays parked for days on end.

Disadvantages of living where you work:

1. You boss can always find you. Always.
2. You have no excuses for being late.
3. To get away from work, you have to leave your house. So if you just want to chill, you have to find someone else's house to chill at.
4. The subject of work comes up over dinner... And breakfast... And lunch.
5. If you have a disagreement with a coworker (roommate) you really can't get away from them at the end of the day. 
6. Similarly, if you have a disagreement with your boss, you still have to go to their house for dinner, cause it's across the field, and you have no excuses except "i don't want to be around you cause i think you screwed up" which doesn't go over very well. 
7. Your boss knows everything about you. There is no privacy whatsoever. Consequently, you will have no social life at home that they aren't part of, know about, or randomly drop by to make sure you're behaving. 
8. Your boss can find you after your technically"off work" and "ask" you to work overtime... Which if you're not getting paid (like me) means that your whole evening just got shot.

Touch

My predominate love language is touch. I thrive when i'm consistently being touched by people that care about me. It can be in a lot of different ways, a quick hug, a shoulder rub, tickling, holding hands, being curled up next to someone, it all makes me feel cared about and worthy of attention.
For most of my life the majority of the touch i got was in anger or punishment, and i began to associate being touched with being hurt, or being pushed away. Only in the past year have i begun to see touch as a positive thing. It's still new to me, and i am only just beginning to understand why i crave physical touch from the people around me.

Looking Up

I look at the ground when i walk. I don't look around me, behind me, or above me. I focus on two feet in front of my shoes. I've been told that my outlook on life was much the same 7 months ago. I was focused on just surviving, not even daring to hope for the future. Now I've noticed that when i walk, i look around me, behind me, and even up at the sky. I can see light, colours, movement, and take delight in all of it. I can see hope for the future now, too. With God's help, I'm finally starting to heal. It still hurts like hell, but i know now it will get better, i  will live through this, and i will be better on the other side.
My view of life is starting to look up.

Sorrow's Uses

Sorrow's Uses
Ella Wheeler Wilcox
 

The uses of sorrow I comprehend
Better and better at each year’s end.

Deeper and deeper I seem to see
Why and wherefore it has to be

Only after the dark, wet days
Do we fully rejoice in the sun’s bright rays.

Sweeter the crust tastes after the fast
Than the sated gourmand’s finest repast.

The faintest cheer sounds never amiss
To the actor who once has heard a hiss.

To one who the sadness of freedom knows,
Light seem the fetters love may impose.

And he who has dwelt with his heart alone,
Hears all the music in friendship’s tone.

So better and better I comprehend,
How sorrow ever would be our friend.

Family Tree

I heard this song today, and it was like God was talking right to me. It was really encouraging to think that God has a better plan for me, and He can look past my family history.

You didn't ask for this
Nobody ever would
Caught in the middle of this dysfunction
It's your sad reality
It's your messed up family tree
And all your left with all these questions
Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was?
Do you have to carry what they've handed down?
No, this is not your legacy

This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you
I have a dream for you
It's better than where you've been
It's bigger than your imagination
You're gonna find real love
And you're gonna hold your kids
You'll change the course of generations
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you
Cause you're my child
You're my chosen
You are loved
You are loved

And I will restore
All that was broken
You are loved
You are loved
And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're brining new life to your family tree now
Yes you are
You are
No, this will be your legacy
This will be your destiny
Yesterday did not define you
No, this will be your legacy
This will be your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you
And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're brining new life to your family tree now

A New Chapter- Worship Thoughts

Change is the only absolute
in the world,
the only thing
that you can depend on.
Nothing stays the same.
Tomorrow will come,
bringing with it
new beginnings and sometimes
unexpected endings.
You can hold on to the past
and get left in the dust,
Or, you can choose to
jump on the ride of life
and live a new adventure
with perseverance and
an open mind.


Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name


We're facing a change within the internship at Camp David. One of us is leaving, moving on. At first all I could think about was how different it will be, how much harder, how it won't be like we had planned. But then God reminded me of something that was said, that "God saw this coming. It wasn't a surprise to Him." This is all part of God's plan. If we focus on the differences from how it has been, and how it will be, and view the future in a negative way, we won't be able to fully experience what God has planned for us. And He has some pretty interesting times ahead for all of us! Already we're seeing a shift in our lives, we're seeing how God is changing us. This next chapter is going to be filled with new experiences, different challenges, new people, and a different dynamic among us. It's exciting, and we're ready to see what God has in store for us! We're grateful for the time the three of us have been given, from the first night when we talked till all hours of the morning, to the spontaneous trips to town, to the dinner table conversations. It has been up and down, it's been filled with laughter, tears, and good times. We will miss Julia, but we know she has some pretty amazing things ahead of her, and we wish her the best!
This isn't an ending, it's a new beginning for all of us.

The Rescuers

This movie is about two brave mice that rescue a little orphan girl, Penny. Penny was kidnapped by the horrible Madam Medusa and her cohort, Snoops. They forced Penny to go down into a small cave to search for the Devil's Eye, the world's largest diamond. Bernard and Bianca (the mice) help penny find the diamond and escape from the villains. The diamond is given to the Smithsonian and Penny is adopted by a loving family. The movie closes with Bernard and Bianca leaving on their next adventure to help another child.

The Rescuers is no great work of art, but i like it. It's a cute movie for the kids, and there are some intiresting pieces that adults will notice and enjoy as well.

Hot Chocolate and Spanish Swords

Laura and I went to Alex and Tim’s house the other night for the movie night they have every Wednesday at 9. I was hoping we would have fun, but I didn’t expect what happened. 

I picked up a bottle of bourbon on the way, and Tim commented on it when we got there. I said I hadn’t had it before, but I’d been told it was good, as well as being really good in hot chocolate.  Just before the movie started I poured myself a glass, and went to sit down. The drink was disgusting. It was passed around and everyone generally agreed that it was nasty. So I went to put it in the kitchen, since I wouldn’t finish it. Tim came into the kitchen and pulled two mugs out of the cabinet, wiped them out and filled them with water.  James came in and offered me a bottle of Smirnoff, but before I could accept Tim said he was making hot chocolate for us. He finished making it, and added raspberry vodka for flavoring. It was really good! While he was fixing the drinks we talked about the movie, and I mentioned that I wasn’t up on all the newer movies. Tim said if I came over more often he could fix that.  

Once the drinks were done, we went back into the living room and sat on one of the couches. About halfway through the movie Tim discovered that I was ticklish, to the dismay of everyone else within hearing distance!  At one point during the movie we both commented on the awesomeness of a particular sword. After the movie, and after everyone else had left, Tim goes to his room and brings back an ornamental sword he got in Spain. After he shows it to me, and points out the dragon handle and generally plays with it for a few minutes, he takes it back to his room. He also brought out his mouth bow to play for me. He was pretty good!  When Laura and i left, Alex and Tim walked us to the door and then stood on the porch until we left. On the way home Alex texts Laura that that was the first time in years that Tim has stayed for all of movie night, much less later.  

The whole evening was a lot of fun, but it was very different too. I’ve never had a guy show off for me before, it’s a nice feeling. I don’t know what he sees in me, or why he seems to like being around me, but I like it. It’s nice to know he thinks I’m worth spending time with.

One Day You Will

Tonight someone prayed over me, and one thing they asked for was that God would give me a special song, one that met me where i'm at and gave me hope for the future. I was listening to a Lady Antebellum album and this song came on.


"One Day You Will"

You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will


Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will


One day you will
Oh one day you will

Should Have Been

It should have been this way:

She sits me down, and says she has something important to tell me. She says she's engaged, and we laugh and she tells me the whole story. We get giggly and talk about the wedding, and how she'll make a beautiful bride.

That's what should have happened. 

Loved Ones

Those you love the most, hurt you the most.

Fences

This morning i spent 10 minutes staring at a fence, wishing to climb over it and run free in the field. 

I wanted to twirl, spin, dance, and sing... and just be. Be free, be real, be whole, be healthy, be happy, be loved. 

But i'm fenced in, not by physical fences, those are easy to climb, but by invisible chains, and unseen ropes. And i don't know how to break them.

Don't Give Up On Me

I don't go to church enough,
I curse out loud I drink too much,
I'm more of a sinner than a saint,
Gotta dusty bible on my shelf,
I just pick it up when I need help,
Lord knows there's a lot I need to change,
And I want to, baby you make me want to,

You tie the knot when I'm at the end of my rope,
You never stop believing in me when I don't know,
Who I am or what I'm supposed to be,
I don't give you no good reasons,
But baby don't give up on me

These are lines from one of my favorite songs. They describe me really well, and how certain people have made me want to be better. There's only a few of them, but i try to be better, for them.

I Love You

"I love you."

It sounds so simple, but it still brings with it a swirling mix of emotions when i hear it from Linda. I hear that she loves me, and i don't understand why. I grew up unloved and unwanted, i was raised in a church where God was presented as being indifferent or angry, and i rarely had friends of any kind, and when i did they usually weren't the kind that could be counted on. I've been abandoned, forgotten, overlooked, or rejected by my peers, my teachers, my coworkers, my employers, my pastors, and it seems humanity in general. There have been people that have reached out to me, but they have been few and far between. I've spent most of my life feeling not just unloved, but unlovable. If so many people have rejected me, then it must be something about me. So when Linda says "I love you" i wonder why? What makes her look past whatever makes me so unlikable, and see something worth caring about? And what if she gets tired of me, tired of my moodiness, or how everything is the "end of the world", or what if she gets sick of telling me the same thing over and over and my still not getting it, or not believing it? What if whatever makes her look past my general lousiness suddenly stops or wears out? What if she stops loving me?

This is what goes through my mind when i hear those words from her, and why hearing them can still reduce me to tears, just like the first time. I adore hearing those words, and i'm terrified that she'll stop saying them.

The Brave Little Toaster To The Rescue

This is a cute little story following the adventures of a group of household appliances and their animal friends. When their 'master', Rob, loses his thesis to a computer virus, the friends (who includes a toaster, vacuum, lamp, electric blanket and radio) set off the find out what happened to the lost paper. In the process they discover a plot to steel their animal friends to a research lab. The friends meet a computer who helps them send a message to Rob, who is able to save the animals. The computer is also able to find Rob's missing thesis. The movie ends with all the animals in their new homes and Rob driving away to his new life with his appliances and his new fiancee.


It's a cute story, but it's biggest draw for me is that i watched it when i was younger. It's sentimental to the kids who grew up with the Brave Little Toaster movies, but it's no great piece of film.

Moving Forward

"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward." -C. S. Lewis