An Idea...

This evening I met with my pastor, James, and his wife Kim. It was by far one of the best conversations I've had in a long time! They listened to my whole story and didn't judge me at all. They understood why I did what I did, and just want me to heal. They're glad I came back to South Side, even under those circumstances, and are thankful that it didn't end worse than it did, cause it certainly could have. Both of them are only concerened with my well-being, and are willing to do whatever it takes to help me heal, from all of my past issues, not just the most recent ones. It may sound strange, but they really want me to be involved in South Side, in a big way. That means a lot to me! That they would be willing to take someone as broken as me, and give them responsibility in the church. Some people wouldn't do that. Kim said that she's been praying for someone to come to the church that has the skills and desire to work in the Next Steps prgram for the local at-risk kids. They want someone to do the administrative stuff, like behind the scence stuff. Paper work, phone calls, organizing groups, getting volunteers, even working with the ciriculum a bit. James and Kim want me to consider taking on this program, like being a director! It's crazy, but I actually want to! They also want my ideas on how to help South Side reach out into the college world, which is great because I already waned to get involved in the local CCF and BSU. It just seems like I fit here, like there is important work for me to do at South Side, which is funny cause I just said the other day that I want to get seriously involved in a church. I didn't think it would be here, but if this is where God wants me, I'm ok with it. I'm excited about this program, I think it's really important for these kids, and I'm honored that I'll get to be a part of it. James and Kim even said that if I want, and it works out, next fall I can run the program! Crazy! It totally fits tho! I'm up for Day Camp Director at West River Center in Maryland this summer. That position would basicly be this job on steriods, all summer, so I'd come back with tons of ideas and experience to make the Next Steps program even better. I don't know that I'll get the job at West River, there are a few other people up for it as well. I hope I do tho, it would be such a great learning experience!
This is just an idea, totally just James and Kim and I brainstorming, but they want to, someday, open up a camp like Camp David, for at-risk kids in Springfield. They already have a campground picked out and avalible, they know who they would get to be the directors, and they have a list of churches and Christain ministry groups that would partner with them in creating this camp... And James and Kim said that if I'm over the Next Steps prgram at that point, and believe it to be God's will, it would be natural to step over and help run the camp. So crazy to even think about that! Who would have thought that just a couple of weeks after leaving Camp David someone would be talking to me about not only working for another, similar camp, but actually helping to create, and run it. So not what I was expecting! I don't know that this will happen at all, it just depends on if I'm still here and if it's what God wants, but it's interestng to think about anyways.
So I don't exactly know what the future holds, but I know I'm going to stay in Springfield, at least till summer. There are so many different things I could get involved with at South Side.

This is just one of the many, many different ideas bouncing around in my head right now.  There are so many different things I could do, directions I could go. I'm not sure what will happen in the next few months, or where I'll end up, but I'm super excited to see what God has in store for me in the long run, cause I know it's gotta be pretty freaking awesome if he keeps saving me from myself for it.

College

One of my friends commented on my Facebook staus about looking at colleges. I wrote three paragraphes before i decided to post it on here instead of Facebook. It was too much info, and I knew he's see it either way :p

Me: Looking at colleges... Haven't done this in few years!

Him:  Now you know what my last couple months have been like. :)

Me: Yeah, I did all this my senior year of high school... Which was a lot longer ago than i'd like to admit. I'd forgotten some of this stuff.  Anyways, after high school life got complicated and I never got around to appying anywhere, and now that I have time and I know what I'd like to do with my life I think it's time to start looking into college again...
It's both fun, and terrifing! I have a better understanding of myself now, so I know I'll enjoy, say Public Speaking more than Systematic Theology, but I'm terrified that I'm too old to start college. Most people are getting ready to graduate at my age, and I'm just begining to think about starting. Not even starting classes, just thinking about it.
The school I'm looking at is Mid-South Christian College in Memphis, TN. They offer a Bachelor of Arts in Christian Leadership degree that I'm really interested in. It's a practical, hand on approach to learning how to plant, build, and work in a church. That's what I want to do, but I don't want a bunch of theolgy courses that leave me with a lot of head knowledge but not a lot of practical experience. This program offers both! And the best part? No math classes! Shallow, I know, but I really don't enjoy math. I read the entire course catalog this evening, and I'm starting to get a little excited. There are a lot of classes that I'm really interested in taking. We'll have to see what happeneds, but I don't think I'd mind going to this school :)

I just discovered a problem with this plan: In addition to the courses I'd have to complete to earn my degree... There are at least 50 other courses I want to take... This could end badly. Either I won't get to take them and I'll be unhappy, or I'll be in school for an extra two years lol

All The Broken Pieces

I was feeling down all day, I've been depressed and upset about some of the choices I've made recently. I was feeling really hopeless, and like it couldn't possibly be fixed. I had to get out, so i grabbed my mp3 player and walked into the woods. As I was walking, I was talking to God. I felt so hopeless, like my life was broken, like I had screwed everything up so bad even He couldn't use it anymore. This song started playing, and it was like God was talking right to me through it's words. The verses corosponded with what I was saying perfectly, even when I was crying too hard to speak, the words of the song fit with what I was thinking. It was the most audible conversation I've ever had with God.


Did you feel, feel it break
From all the weight of your mistake?
You never knew how much it cost
Feels like your innocence is lost
So much for the perfect life
So much for the perfect day
It’s like no matter how you try
Perfection’s just too far away

"Father, I messed it all up so bad. Everything was going really well until I decided I wanted to do it my way. How can you use this? How can you fix what I've messed up?"


So lift them up to me
All the broken pieces
All the broken pieces of your life
To me
All the broken pieces
All the broken pieces of your life

"Father, how can you fix this? Everything is broken, all of my life. I made so many mistakes, how can you take me back and use what I've done?"


Did you hear what I said?
Did you read the words I wrote down in red?
I was broken once for you
And no one loves you like I do
And that’s the beauty of this grace
It can put the pieces back in place
And shine reflections of forgiveness
In a million different ways

"Only You, Father. Only You still love me, only You can see any good in this. Can you put me back together? Can you fix the brokeness in me? I failed so much, I fell so far..."

I can take even your greatest mistake
Every scar, every tear, every break
And I can turn it in to something more beautiful
Than you have ever seen
So lift them up to Me

"It's all yours, Father. Only You can take this mess I've made and use it. I give it all to You. My life is Yours, my future is Yours. Everything I am, everything I have, it's all Yours."

The Future?

Today one of my friends told me something that answered so many questions, explained so much, and yet left me with a thousand new questions. He said I need to figure out what I want to do in life and work towards that goal. I realized I've been restless for months, wondering what I was going to do with my life, and where I was going, without ever putting it into words. I thought for a few months that Christian camping might be it, but God showed me at the CCCA Sectional that that's not what He has for me. I know I want to work in Christian ministry, and I'm thinking, maybe like in a church?
I have so many ideas for a church, I've been involved in several churches and I've gotten to see and experience a lot! I think I'd like to be involved in building a church from the ground up, but I don't know if that's what God wants. I know I want to really be part of a church, more than I have been recently. I would like to work at a camp this summer, I don't know which one yet, but I'd like to work at one. I want to be more invovled than I was last summer, I want to work with the kids instead of just working in the background.
I think I'd like to take some bible classes at some point too, maybe in the fall? I'm not sure what to do about this one. There are several really good bible universities in Springfield, but I can't stay here. I've only been here a couple of days and already it's almost as bad as it was before I left. I can't stay with my family.
But if I stayed in Springfield then I'd get to work at South Side, which would be awesome! There is a school in Memphis that I've looked into before, that seems really cool.
First tho, I really need to figure out my doctrine. I don't really know where I stand on a lot of issues, simply because I know what I do believe, and that's always been enough for me. But I know I need to figure out everything else and stop avoiding those issues.
I'm not sure if I should go back to Rolla at all, if I get the job at the summer camp then I'd only be there for a couple of months, and I think that time would be better spent being discipled here. But there's the whole I-have-no-where-to-live thing. So now I think I have a direction to go in, but I'm still really confused and I definetly don't have it all figured out! So now I'm going to meet with my pastor and his wife, my small-group leaders, my best friends here, and talk about this. And pray a lot!

Prodigal Daughter

So in the past couple of months I got to re-enact the parable of the prodigal child. It wasn't pretty. I quit working at Camp David, i moved out, i found and then lost a job, i started drinking a lot more, i got drunk, partied, and made out with someone i don't really know. I burned through almost $300 in three weeks, and have nothing to show for it. I ignored all the rules, and everything I've been taught is right, and did what I wanted. It was really awful. I messed up so many good things, and damaged most of my friendships here in Rolla. I don't have a place to live, a job, a church, or even friends here anymore. Yeah ther are a few people that aren't irritated with me, but it's just a few and since I don't know many people to begin with, it's a pretty big percentage of people that are upset with me.

I'm really afraid I've completely screwed up the chance of anything ever happening with Tim. I know I've behaved badly, I've cuddled with random guys, including his roommate, and made out with someone, and gotten drunk, and partied, and I know I must look like a slut to him. I have no idea what he thinks of me right now, and no matter what it is, I don't blame him. I honestly can't even express how sorry and ashamed I am about this. I say I'm willing to wait for him, and that he's worth it, that I like him that much, but then turn around and do something like that.... it's so wrong. I don't even know why I did any of those things. I guess cause I could, cause there weren't any rules to stop me. Which is a really lame excuse. So I'm not going to use it. I chose to do all those things, and I deserve the consequences of the choices I made. And if one of those consequences is that Tim decides to not have anything to do with me, that's ok. I will totally understand. If he was doing those things I would be upset, so I have no right to expect anything different from him.

I decided I needed to get away for a few days, process all this, and figure out life. So I came home. But once I got here, I realized this isn't home anymore. Yes, I love my family, and my church, but this isn't where I belong. They're all doing just fine without me, they've moved on, and there really isn't a place for me here anymore. And I'm ok with that. It was so good to see everyone at church today, and I'm super excited to get to hang out with them for a week or two, but I'm already missing Rolla and my life there.  Right now I feel like God is telling me to take a break, talk to people wiser than me, and process all this. But then to go home. Go back to Rolla and continue to build my life there. That's what I'm thinking right now. But that may change in a few days....

St. Pat's In Rolla

So i got to spend part of St. Patrick Day weekend in Rolla. Now, if you didn't know, St. Pat is the patron saint of the Missouri University of Science and Technology, (don't ask me how that happened) and they get a little crazy about this holiday. Actually they get a lot crazy. First, the University lets students have two days off of classes. Most schools don't have days off for St. Pat's at all. Apparently students start drinking a week in advance, and a lot show up to classes drunk. I'm not a student, so I haven't gotten to experience this, but my friends have told me about it. The past several days (Wednesday night through sometime Sunday) Rolla pretty much turns into a giant frat party. This I did get to experience. It was interesting. A bunch of us from the college class at the Methodist church decided to go up on the roof of the church and camp there Friday night. The roof had a layer of gravel (no idea why) so we decided the camping was out, but we could still have a party up there. So we got music, and alcohol and a bunch of people, and hung out up there for part of the night. There was a lot of alcohol. Apparently getting drunk is part of "experiencing St. Pats at S&T"... I got to experience this part. I've never been drunk before, and it was definitely fun at the time, but I'll never do it again. There was loud music, and some of us were dancing, which was super fun! It was kinda like being at a club. Now, I've been told that getting drunk and sleeping with random people is all just part of St. Pat's. I'm very glad to say that I didn't partake of this particular tradition. I did kiss one guy... kinda. He mostly missed, but i think it still counts. I cuddled with him too, later when i was far to drunk to stand up. I'm pretty sure I kinda made out with one guy, but it didn't last more than a couple of minutes, and he didn't get far. I remember all of the night, but it's like I'm looking at it through a distorted glass. It doesn't all quite match up. So that was my St. Pat's experience. It's something I whole-heartedly regret and will never do again. I'm pretty sure I enjoyed it at the time, but it's so not worth it now. My friends from church have a slightly different view of me now, and I was upset enough about the whole thing to call my mentor from my home church, which lead to me going home for a few weeks, but that's another post. So, all in all, it was a different and interesting experience. But not something I will ever repeat. Dance party on the roof? Heck yes! If it involves alcohol? Hell no.

Colors

Color means a lot to me. I love colors, and I use them to describe things that wouldn't usually be described by colors. Like stages of my life.
For instance, last spring i was red and black. Angry at the world, indifferent to most people, and not happy at all. I was cocky, and loud, and very much an actress. I pretended to be many different things, to different people, and i was ok with that.
Then I changed, and I was shades of gray. Insecure, needy, and depressed.
And now I feel like I'm all the colors of the rainbow. I'm bright, and confident, happy, and whole. I like these colors. I want to stay like this.

Continuing...

Linda said she's worried that if i leave Camp David, I'll end up back where i was a year ago. She's afraid I won't seek out Christian individuals to disciple me, and that without the constant influence of God here, I'll slip back to just going through the motions. She has a valid concern, and I'm afraid of that too. Which is why I don't think it will happen. I love how far I've come, and I don't want to lose the relationship I have with God. I've already begun to find people to speak into my life, and for a while I'll actually be living with one of them. It will be more difficult, just cause God is everywhere here, but I know if I continue to seek after Him, I'll find Him no matter where I am or what I'm doing.
Right now, I believe that leaving is the best option for me. But that doesn't mean it won't be hard. I will miss the people, I will miss the fellowship, and I will miss being part of something that is really making a difference. I know I won't be happy unless I'm part of something bigger than just an ordinary life, but I don't know what that is yet. So I'm waiting for God's direction, and while I'm waiting, I'll be making sure I'm in the safest and healthiest enviroment possible. That isn't camp anymore. So I'm moving on. Not necessarily to "bigger and better things" just to something different.   

Wandering

‎"Not all those who wander are lost."
-J.R.R. Tolkien


I sometimes feel like I'm wandering through life, just wanting to see what's out there, and trying to experience everything. I won't ever have a nice job, or a comfortable, stable life. But I have and will continue to see, experience, and enjoy many different styles of life. Mostly, I'm happy with this lifestyle. Staying in one place for a year or two, and then finding a new place, new friends and a new way of life. I don't know if I want to live this way forever, but for now, while I'm young, why not? 

Different

Last night a lot of people told me, basically the same thing, and it changed my view of my current life.  I was told that I'm different now, that I'm confident, I look happy, I stand straighter and I laugh more. I was told that I both act and look alive, more alive than I've looked in months. I was told I had my fire back. That fire that I know I've been missing, that I've been looking for, that I know sets me apart. Some of these people I haven't' seen for months, others it's just been a few weeks, but even those I've seen more recently agreed that I've changed so much, for the better, in just two months.
I don't know what to do with this. I feel more alive, I feel so much better. But is it worth the cost? I've argued with the leadership, I've begun to debate their orders, and in some cases blatantly not do what they said to. I believe the way the treat people, the way they not only condone but suggest deception, and the things they have said or done to their staff is wrong.
I can't sit by and watch it any more. But if I tell them what I really think of their policies, rules and how the deal with people, I will have to leave. Calvin said exactly what I will, and he left. So did Julia, and she left too. We all tried to talk to them aback in September, and nothing has changed. They didn't listen to us. They won't listen to me, I'm the rule-breaker. I'm the poster child for how they can help at-risk kids even when they're grown, just because I come from a similar background as the campers.
I like me this way. Not angry at the world, not a puppy that rolls over at whatever they say. Just me, in the middle trying to be both respectful and doing what I have to do to keep myself safe. 
Camp isn't safe any more.  It's become a battleground, and I'm afraid I'm on the losing side. I have to stand against what I believe is wrong, but that means I will have to leave. And I'm scared. I don't know where to go, or what to do. But I know I have to do this.

Father, please give me Your voice and Your words, 
show me Your will, and lead me to what You have 
planned for this situation. I'm scared, Daddy, I 
don't know what to do. I'm confused, and I'm 
not sure where to go. Help me, Father. I want 
to do Your will, I want to be what You want me 
to be in this. Give me the courage I will need,
the wisdom I desire, and peace through all of this.  

21st Birthday

My 21st birthday was in December and it was kind of a big deal to me, but i wasn't ready to write about it until a couple of weeks ago. So here's the story:
I was born 5 weeks early. My mom had a very difficult pregnancy, and there were lot of complications and problems with me. I had to be born that early, or i would have died. I still almost did several times. I spend several weeks in ICU in one of those incubator things. I had RSV, which caused breathing problems, and i was on a breathing machine thing for i think about 6 months. The doctors weren't sure i would live to be an adult, they thought i would develop severe asthma, and just have all kinds of health issues from being born before i was fully developed. Which makes sense. I had to have a blood transfusion, which is why i can't donate blood.
I grew up knowing all of this. I always knew that i wasn't really supposed to be alive, if all was fair. So my 21st birthday was kinda a big deal to me. It was when i would truly be an adult, and it was really important to me that i prove the doctors wrong and live to be 21.
I was at my parent's for Christmas break, and I assumed I'd spend my birthday with my family.  But they were all busy. My parent's had to work and the kids all had other things planned with their friends. I tried to see if any of my friends wanted to hang out, but they were all either working or busy with their families.
So I got lunch at my favorite Chinese place, and I went to the river.  I sat on the bank, and talked to God for a long time. I didn't understand why He would let me spend a day that was so important to me, alone. Of course I wasn't alone, but it felt like I was. I felt like everyone around me was too busy to notice that something amazing had happened: I did it! I was alive, I proved them wrong, and I made it.
Maybe this isn't important to anyone else, and that's fine. But it's significant to me... So shouldn't it be significant to people that I matter to?
No one even said they loved me.

I know it's just another birthday, 
But I guess I thought this would be the one
When he would call me, see me,
Hold me, and free me
But it's just another birthday
And I'll be fine

She Walked Away

I was listening to this song today, and I suddenly realized that while I've always thought of it applying to a friend of mine, it actually applies to me, almost more than to her. While she left the church, moved in with her boyfriend, and had a kid, i did something worse. I emotionally walked away from God. I continued to go to churches, say i was a Christian, sing the songs, speak the language, and spend time with other Christians. But I didn't mean any of it. It was just what i did. I couldn't take the pain anymore, and i couldn't understand why God allowed it, but i thought i wasn't supposed to be angry at God, so i shut down. I walked away from God, without any outward signs of leaving. I wanted complete freedom, from rules, obligations, and society in general. For a long time i wasn't willing to give up everything to go find it, and then suddenly i was willing. I was ready, i was packed, i had a plan and a "one way ticket" to a new life. I couldn't explain it, but i knew i had to leave, i had to give up everything, and just run. But God, our amazing, loving Father, reached down to save me from myself. He brought me to a place where i could realize just how much i was hurt, and He showed me that only He could heal me, and that He wanted to heal me. It wasn't just that i could be healed, but that He wants to see me whole and healthy. I know people that were and are praying for me, praying that i will "come back to God" in every way.  Only God knows how this story will end, but i hope and pray that it will end happily.    

"She Walked Away"

She couldn't take one more day
Home was more her prison now
Independence called out
She had to get it

A fight was all she needed
To give her reason
She slammed the door with no goodbye
And knew that it was time

Now she's driving too fast
She didn't care to glance behind
And through her tears she laughed
It's time to kiss the past goodbye

I'm finally on my own
Don't try to tell me no
There's so much more for me
Just watch what I will be

She walked away
Couldn't say why she was leaving
She walked away
She left all she had believed in
She walked away

Not a day goes by
For the one she's left behind
They're always asking why
And thoughts of her consume their mind

God please let her know
The love we tried to show
We'd promise anything
If you'd just bring her home

She walked away
Couldn't say why she was leaving
She walked away
She left all she had believed in
She walked away

Tell her we love her
And tell her she's wanted
One more thing God
Tell her please come home
Please come home

She walked away
Couldn't say why she was leaving
She walked away
She left all she had believed in
She walked away
Couldn't say why she was leaving
She walked away
She left all she had believed in

The choice is yours alone now
Tell me how this story ends

[Spoken:]
While the son was still a long way off
His father saw him, and felt compassion for him
And ran and embraced him and kissed him
"Let us celebrate for this child of mine was dead
And he has come back to life,
He was lost and now he is found"
And they began to celebrate
[Luke 15:20 and 24]

What's Good For Me

Today i had one of those moments when everything becomes clear. The last few months suddenly make sense. A few days ago someone compared me to Daphne, the girl from the What A Girl Wants movie. In the storyline, she goes from a wild, spontaneous, rebellious girl to a proper English young lady, and back again. The comparison was that she went from one extreme to the other, but she eventually went back to her original lifestyle. When i came to CDO in May i was willing to state my opinion, stand up for others, fight for what i believe in, and make up my own mind. I didn't blindly accept whatever was told to me, i was willing to break rules i didn't agree with, and stand against things i thought were wrong, even if it meant i would lose something.
Now i don't challenge things i think are wrong. I don't voice my opinion, i don't stand up for myself or others. I just accept whatever the leadership says, no matter what i really think.
I don't like this. One of the leadership said at the beginning of the summer that they liked my directness, that i was willing to state my opinion even if i wasn't what everyone wanted to hear. Before, i was angry and looking for a fight, my world was fiery, and it was ok to be alone. Now I'm a doormat, I'm clingy and i need constant encouragement, and i hate being left alone. My whole world seems darker.
Neither is healthy, and i need to find the balance somewhere in the middle.
Lately I've felt like something wasn't right, like i was living a half-life. Like I'm missing an important part of me. It's my confidence. I've lost confidence in myself, my abilities, and my contribution to the world in general. I've made my identity all about being an intern. I breathe, sleep, and think this ministry, but that's wrong. I can work for this ministry, i can do my best and i can be involved, but it can't be my life. If it is then in August when I'm finished here, i will have no other life, and no identity.  There will be nothing left of me. This reality is terrifying, and i refuse to let this happen.
The leadership isn't very happy with me right now. In the past few weeks I've started speaking out more, and not just accepting what they say. Julia says I'm acting more confident, and i seem happier lately.
I can see daylight, and I'm leaving behind the half-life. I'm gonna do what it takes to be the person I am underneath all this.

Whatever It Takes

So this morning i was listening to music, and Lifehouse's song Whatever It Takes came on. It actually describes all the relationships in my life really well. I don't let people in. I give them my time, my energy, and my skills, but i don't give them me. I don't let them see the broken pieces, or when I'm hurting. Then they get frustrated or confused and leave. And i don't blame them. I'd do whatever it takes to change... But i don't know how. So I'm stuck, wanting to let people in, but not knowing how i can.  

Whatever It Takes
 

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

Hot Chocolate and Spanish Swords

Laura and I went to Alex and Tim’s house the other night for the movie night they have every Wednesday at 9. I was hoping we would have fun, but I didn’t expect what happened. 

I picked up a bottle of bourbon on the way, and Tim commented on it when we got there. I said I hadn’t had it before, but I’d been told it was good, as well as being really good in hot chocolate.  Just before the movie started I poured myself a glass, and went to sit down. The drink was disgusting. It was passed around and everyone generally agreed that it was nasty. So I went to put it in the kitchen, since I wouldn’t finish it. Tim came into the kitchen and pulled two mugs out of the cabinet, wiped them out and filled them with water.  James came in and offered me a bottle of Smirnoff, but before I could accept Tim said he was making hot chocolate for us. He finished making it, and added raspberry vodka for flavoring. It was really good! While he was fixing the drinks we talked about the movie, and I mentioned that I wasn’t up on all the newer movies. Tim said if I came over more often he could fix that.  

Once the drinks were done, we went back into the living room and sat on one of the couches. About halfway through the movie Tim discovered that I was ticklish, to the dismay of everyone else within hearing distance!  At one point during the movie we both commented on the awesomeness of a particular sword. After the movie, and after everyone else had left, Tim goes to his room and brings back an ornamental sword he got in Spain. After he shows it to me, and points out the dragon handle and generally plays with it for a few minutes, he takes it back to his room. He also brought out his mouth bow to play for me. He was pretty good!  When Laura and i left, Alex and Tim walked us to the door and then stood on the porch until we left. On the way home Alex texts Laura that that was the first time in years that Tim has stayed for all of movie night, much less later.  

The whole evening was a lot of fun, but it was very different too. I’ve never had a guy show off for me before, it’s a nice feeling. I don’t know what he sees in me, or why he seems to like being around me, but I like it. It’s nice to know he thinks I’m worth spending time with.

One Day You Will

Tonight someone prayed over me, and one thing they asked for was that God would give me a special song, one that met me where i'm at and gave me hope for the future. I was listening to a Lady Antebellum album and this song came on.


"One Day You Will"

You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will


Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will


One day you will
Oh one day you will

Fences

This morning i spent 10 minutes staring at a fence, wishing to climb over it and run free in the field. 

I wanted to twirl, spin, dance, and sing... and just be. Be free, be real, be whole, be healthy, be happy, be loved. 

But i'm fenced in, not by physical fences, those are easy to climb, but by invisible chains, and unseen ropes. And i don't know how to break them.

I Love You

"I love you."

It sounds so simple, but it still brings with it a swirling mix of emotions when i hear it from Linda. I hear that she loves me, and i don't understand why. I grew up unloved and unwanted, i was raised in a church where God was presented as being indifferent or angry, and i rarely had friends of any kind, and when i did they usually weren't the kind that could be counted on. I've been abandoned, forgotten, overlooked, or rejected by my peers, my teachers, my coworkers, my employers, my pastors, and it seems humanity in general. There have been people that have reached out to me, but they have been few and far between. I've spent most of my life feeling not just unloved, but unlovable. If so many people have rejected me, then it must be something about me. So when Linda says "I love you" i wonder why? What makes her look past whatever makes me so unlikable, and see something worth caring about? And what if she gets tired of me, tired of my moodiness, or how everything is the "end of the world", or what if she gets sick of telling me the same thing over and over and my still not getting it, or not believing it? What if whatever makes her look past my general lousiness suddenly stops or wears out? What if she stops loving me?

This is what goes through my mind when i hear those words from her, and why hearing them can still reduce me to tears, just like the first time. I adore hearing those words, and i'm terrified that she'll stop saying them.

Moving Forward

"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward." -C. S. Lewis

The 1st Four Months

I've been a CDO intern for just over four months!! This is definitely something to celebrate! There were a few times i didn't think i'd make it this far. It's been a difficult journey to this point, and i'm not even halfway done yet. But it's also amazing, God has been revealing so much to me, even through the pain. I think that may be the only way He can get through to me, i barely talk to Him otherwise. I'm still trying to figure out the truth about God and who He is to me. That is something i want to get out of this intern-ship, a true understand of God. Even the idea that He loves me is so hard for me to imagine, i still don't really believe it but i'm getting there. I think starting to believe that God loves me and won't leave me is all i can handle right now, and i've been told that this may be where God wants me to stay for a while, until i truly believe with my whole heart that he loves me.

On the more practical side, i'm adjusting to living with 2 roomates and all of the responsibilities that come with that. I've also started mentoring a camper here in Rolla, that's going really well and (surprise surprise) i'm actually enjoying it! I've also had the opportunity to improve my public speaking skills through the recruting presentations i've done at colleges and youth groups. I've also learned a lot about horses, dogs, and animal care and training in general. 

The best part, though, has to be the relationship i've been building with Linda. She's so incredible, and i wouldn't be here without her. She's fast becoming my best friend, big sister, and mentor. I've gotten to know her family as well, and i really like them too! Her parents are pretty cool and she's got a great little brother. It seems like we get closer all the time and i love it! She's more amazing than she even knows, but i know, and i thank God for her.