Change

"It's never to late to change." That's what i've heard all my life, but it wasn't until the last few months that i really started to believe it. i can change myself, but i can also change my life. i just have to believe that i can, and get out there and make it happen. There are so many things i want to change about my life, my surroundings, but there are just as many things holding me back. Whether it's caring for my family, being loyal to my employer, keeping certain friendships, whatever. I'm too worried about what's best for everyone in my life... except me. For two years i've put off my plans, done what i thought i needed to do, and in the end, those people i thought i was pleasing don't give a damn. They view everything i've done for two years as incomplete, or useless. Thing is, if i hadn't done what i did, they wouldn't be as well off as they are, but they'd certainly have more to find fault with. i've given them two years. I'm done. Call me irresponsible, call me selfish, call me disloyal. This is my life. I'm done giving it up for them. They aren't gonna like this, they aren't going to want me to leave. They're gonna try to stop me.
There is going to be a battle this summer, there is going to be a fight, it's gonna be difficult. But i will fight this, and i will win.


"And it's a sad picture, the final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again
You know it's all the same, another time and place
Repeating history and you're getting sick of it
But i believe in whatever you do
And i'll do anything to see it through

Because these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
This revolution, the time will come
For us to finally win
We sing hallelujah

So we've been outnumbered
Raided and now cornered
It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair
We're getting stronger now
Find things they never found
They might be bigger
But we're faster and never scared
You can walks away, say we don't need this
But there's something in your eyes
Says we can beat this

Because these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
This revolution, the time will come
For us to finally win
We sing hallelujah

Tonight we'll stand, get off our knees,
Fight for what we've worked for all these years.
And that battle was long, it's the fight of our lives,
But we'll stand up champions tonight

It was the night things changed,
Do you see it now?These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down
It's a revolution, throw your hands up
Cause we never gave in
And we'll sing hallelujah, we sang hallelujah,
Hallelujah"

Dreams and Nightmares

i don't dream very often, at least not that i know of. Every once in a while i'll wake with a vauge idea of a dream, but that's about it. Nightmares on the other hand, i always remember. i don't have nightmares very often either, but they're usually so bad that i remember them for a long time. i've noticed i tend to get nightmares more when i'm super stressed or tired.

i woke up screaming at 2:00 this morning. My brother heard and came in to check on me, i was sitting on my bed shaking and crying. He didn't quite know what to do, but i was so scared i wouldn't let him leave till i fell back asleep. i told him the dream was about getting eaten by alligators, it was the first thing i could think of, and i couldn't tell him what it was really about. In the dream i re-lived particularly traumatic events, it was so real... i was so scared that it was happening again... It took a long time to calm down enough to go back to sleep. I'm still shaking a little, and it was hours ago.

i hate nightmares.

My Crazy Weekend

Ok so i just finished updating my calender for this weekend... it's so insane i have to share it.

Thursday:
6:30- get up
8-5 Work
7- Benefit concert for Joplin at Remingtons
10:00ish- Hit walmart for camp supplies

Friday:
9-10 volunteer at my church
11- P&D catering- prep work for wedding
7-7am help at jr. high lock-in

Saturday:
9-5 work wedding
7-11 UFC fight night (i think)

Sunday:
10- church
1- memorial picnic
7- going away party for Daniel

Monday:
8- get camp supplies
2- pick up Kayla & leave for camp training
5- dinner in rolla, arrive at camp!

This is too insane, i'm not gonna get to sleep till monday night!

Skateboarder

Hey there Daniel,

How are you doing? i hope Evangel is working out as well as you hoped it would. i can't believe you're almost finished with your sophomore year! It seems like we just meet, and that was 3 years ago this summer. i wish i could say i miss you, but the truth is i don't. I'm grateful for the times we had together, all the emails and chat conversations. i learned a lot from you, and you challenged me to be a stronger Christian. i enjoyed going to your church, you've got a pretty great youth group! And the camping trip was a blast! i remember meeting you at summer camp, you were so encouraging, which was sweet, but i really did suck at ultimate Frisbee! i once considered you one of my best friends, but we've grown apart as we've started the weird, wonderful journey into adulthood. i guess we're just not meant to be close anymore. i wish i could say i miss you, i really do. But i don't. i feel bad, cause i don't feel bad. We had our friendship, and it was great, but it's run it's course. And now it's finished, we're nothing more than acquaintances, occasionally saying hi or asking how the other is doing, but there's not much more to the relationship. And that's ok. Sometimes relationships fade, sometimes it's sad, and sometimes it isn't. This is one of those times. I'm letting you go. Have a great life, Daniel. Live for your God and love like crazy.

Rae

Road Trip?

OK, well i've been toying with the idea of a road trip for a while now, and i've finally decided that I'm going to take a trip this fall. I'm quitting my job September 1st, packing up my truck, and hitting the road. I'm thinking about visiting some friends and family in Texas, Mississippi, Florida, and maybe Tennessee. So it'll be a fun trip, but the part I'm looking forward to the most is camping in Galveston. My family used to go to Galveston in the summers, it's the most beautiful, magical place i've ever been. I'm planning on taking a few days, maybe even a week, and camping on the beach there. I'll explore the city like i wanted to when i was a kid, I'll walk along the beach and watch the sunset, hang out on the boardwalk. i think it'll be really good for me to just get away for a while, really figure out who i am. They say you're character is who you are when no one is around. Well, I'm gonna find out who i am when no one is around.

Like i said, i've wanted to take a road trip for a long time, and i figure now, while I'm single, not in school and between jobs, this is the best time. You never know, i may not have a chance like this again. So my basic plan is to leave, travel around to wherever i want to go next, figure out what i want to do with my life, find out who i am, and come home when i run out of money. So basically my plan, is that i have no plan. And I'm super excited about it!

Time

Time. In my opinion it's the most valuable thing you have. When you intentionally devote a piece of your life to someone, it shows how much you care about them. Giving them part of your life is the most precious thing you can give them. Taking the time to hang out with someone for a few hours, talk on the phone for 30 minutes, or write them a letter, that shows you really care about them. If you look thru my calender, my phone, and my email you'll quickly see who i care about the most, who i spend the most time with, who i actively make sure is a part of my life. When i give you a piece of my time, i'm giving you a piece of my life, a piece of my heart, a piece of me. It's the most personal, intimate, loving thing i can do for someone, besides prayer. That's why it's so hard when people i've invested my life in, leave. It's like i'm losing a piece of my life. Time is my most valuable asset, but i have so little of it. It's a never-ending battle, trying to find enough time to be with everyone i care about. Maybe i know too many people, maybe i care about too many, but i think it's really that time is so precious, that's why it's so scarce. Just my opinion tho.

Saying Goodbye....

Never say goodbye
because goodbye
means going away
and going away
means forgetting.
-Peter Pan

i hate saying goodbye. It feels like i've been doing that in a lot of ways lately... Between growing apart from my old friends and having friends leave, in one way or another, i've had to say goodbye a lot in the past few weeks. And it's not over yet, there are still more leaving soon... This is a part of life i could definitely do without.

A Series Of Songs

Some people describe life as a series of scenes, sometimes they have a lead role, sometimes it's a minor part, and sometimes they simply stay backstage. Sometimes it's a monologue, and sometimes it's a big musical number with the whole cast. i like this view of life, but i have my own view that i like better. Or at least fits my personality better.
i look at life like it's a series of songs, the current one may be happy, it may remind me of something I’d rather forget, maybe it's one about a love i long for, or a friend i value. But whatever it is, it's just one song. Just one. All i have to do is make it through this song, and an different one will be next. Maybe not a 'better' one, but a different one. It may have it's own problems but at least it's different. And it may be a loud, happy song, one that reminds me that life, against all odds, really is worth celebrating.
Or it may be a slow, sad one that reminds me of someone I’ve lost, but it also reminds me of all the wonderful memories i have of that person.
Sometimes one song will last a whole day, and other times it only lasts as long as a phone call. There are old, familiar songs that I’ve heard many times before, and there are new, different songs.
i never know what will play next, i just have to take life one song at a time.

Austin

Hey Austin!

So you know i had a crush on you. The whole world knows when i have a crush on someone (subtly isn't one of my strong points). I'm just letting you know that I'm over you. (Maybe, you are awfully cute!!) i have been for several months, i just haven't gotten around to writing about it. i did have a lot of fun with you tho! Do you remember when we went bowling? That was fun but weren't we terrible? Obviously neither of us are skilled at that! You introduced me to some great new music, and i loved hearing Reality play, ya'll are really good! That night we sat together at the concert and made fun of everyone and everything, that was pretty cool. We definitely have a lot in common, but we're just not headed in the same direction. i have to say tho, Austin, you'll make a great youth pastor! i wish i could see you in 5 years, i know you'll be knee-deep in a ministry somewhere, a part of something amazing! i wish you luck, love, happiness, and faith. You'll do great, and you'll go far. I'm glad i got to know you a little, it was fun. Have a wonderful life, Austin. You deserve it!

~Sunshine~

J50 Favourite Sport

"My favourite sport is..."

Soccer, definitely soccer. i love watching soccer, i like cheering on my team.  i like the atmosphere, the noise, the crowd. I like watching soccer better than other sports, i'm not really sure why. But i like the idea of playing with a ball and not using your hands.  

Grace For You

Grace For You by John MacArthur

This is a short little book, but it's pretty good. It's a look at the story of the Prodigal son, and also at his brother. Most people assume the whole story is about the younger, rebellious son, but it's about both sons. It's a fresh look at a familiar story, but this book isn't weighed down by theological terms or concepts. It's very understandable, and it only took about 2 hours to read. It was good, but it left me wanting to know more... Which is fine cause John MacArthur wrote a whole other, longer, more in depth book on the story of the prodigal son. (A Tale Of Two Sons) i can't wait to read that one! Grace For You is a good, light look at this story.

J48 Graduation Speech

"If you were asked to speak to a graduating class, what would you say?"


"Some of you worked hard to be here, some of you hardly worked to be here. Either way, you did it, you're finished, go out into the world and have everything you thought you knew either proved wrong, deemed useless, or found insufficient for whatever you wanted to accomplish with that knowledge. Life sucks, get used to it."


(Not what they said at my class's graduation, but that's sure what happened. Knowing ahead of time might have helped... maybe.)

Lynnea

Dear Lynnea,
i miss you. i have so many memories of us, more of you an me together than of any other friend i have. The late nights, the long conversations, the crazy things we did, the fun we had. We were best friends. i miss you. We've grown apart, our lives are so different now... i think of you often tho. i know you're doing great, you've got so many wonderful things happening in your life now. i wish i could be a bigger part of your life, share in your joy. But i can't, and it's mostly my fault... I'm the one who left, I'm the one who cut off contact. I'm so sorry. i wish i could pick you up and we could just drive for hours, talking like we used to. Every time i see you i wish i could go back, fix what went wrong, have one more day with you. But it's too late... We're too different now. We've both grown, and maybe if we'd grown along side each other we'd still be friends, but we didn't. It was only a year that we lost, but it was enough time to forever separate us. i miss you, girl. But i wish you the best, i know you'll go far and do amazing things! You have the power to change your life, you're strong enough. You know that. Go live your dreams. i wish you bliss. Love you girl.
Forever,
Rachel

What If We Prayed?

What if His people prayed? i know what happens, I've seen it. I've been a part of it. Those nights i met with my friends and we prayed for our lost friends.... Those were incredible, amazing times. It created a bond between us, and between us and God. i have a connection to those people that is different from anything i have with anyone else. We are connected by the power of prayer, by lifting up our friends we've sealed a bond between us that will last forever. i was thinking of those times tonight... Missing them. It was like nothing I've ever experienced. i want it back... i don't want it to be just a camp thing, something we do once a year. It should be something we do all year. It's important enough. God used us those nights, He worked through us in a magical way. We got to be a part of God changing someones life, that's something that should happen all the time. Between the five of us we know so many people that need Christ, and yet we don't take the time to pray together.... We're told that to pray together for someones soul is more powerful than praying by ourselves... And yet we're so busy we don't take the time...


This is a call to action. This situation won't change unless we change it. Meet with me, pray with me. Make this a priority. I'm calling you to action.

J47 Queen of England

If you were invited to have tea with the Queen of England, what would you say?

"Hey babe, what's happening?" Just kidding. i would prolly ask why the royals can't play Monoploy in the palace, or why Katherine has to stop eating when the Queen does. These things just don't make sense to me, i see no logical reason for either of these, and i'd really like some answers.

Alice

“It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change.” -Alice

Random Thoughts

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country. 
As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.

Found this today, to funny not to share!

Anime

i watched my first anime last night!! A friend showed me a few episodes of Ouran High School Host Club. i really like it, the storyline is easy to follow and i can skip around between episodes and not gt lost. Plus there's only like 26 episodes, which is way easier to start with than an anime with, like 150 or 200 episodes lol. It's a cute show, and i really like it.

Lost Hope

Last summer at camp i was challenge to really see, and care more about people. To care enough to show them God. Since then God has given me three people to care about, to pray for, and to show His love to. i met the first one at camp, the second a few months later, and the third person in my more recent history. Most of the time, i pray for them, i talk to them, i do my best and hope it's enough.
But today... i lost hope i guess. i know, i believe that God can do anything, He and only He can save them. But I'm so scared he won't. So many people die, so many people will never see God. i love each of these people in a different way, and i can't even begin to imagine what eternity without them will be like.
i cried today. For these three people, i cried like i haven't in a very long time. i want so desperately to show them God's love, but they don't want it. I've never wanted anything more than i want their salvation. i plead with God to work in their lives, but i don't see anything changing...
I'm so scared. i don't want to go another day not knowing what will happen. I'm so scared.


Lord I lift my friends to You,
I've done all that i know to do
I lift my friends up to You

Dying World

There are facts in this world that still remain true

We're born, we live, we die, we are through

From the dust we were made to have a free will

To the dust we return when buried on a hill

All funerals are sad, there is no doubt

The body in wait and death does tout

Ministers speaks with means to console

The one who died, the heavenly soul?

The rally to God they all proclaim

Mistake and misleading it's the same

The one who lived "lived a good life"

To be with God with out the strife

No accountability and no remorse

For the life they led, death on course

Satan is there in death as in hell

Consoling the lost all is well

Just live a good life and be with God

The ultimate lie, with deceit and fraud

Many mislead by Satan's lie

Be with God by getting by

Free will was mentioned, don't you see

We all make choices on being free

Freedom in death comes from God

Not the lie of the deceiving fraud

The path is clear, not many will find

The way to heaven, God defined

The path is straight only through Him

The One who died took our sin

We all have a choice, free to accept

The One who died and took our steps

Atoning blood was shed for all

Freedom of choice, upon whom do you call

Death will continue the fact is true

Where will you go when life is through?

Armadillos



Armadillos. That's today's topic. My friends and i have often wondered why we see armadillos dead on the road all the time, especially during the summer, but none of us have ever seen a live one. i recently asked this on facebook, and i got some very interesting answers! As well as some cool, random facts. That combined with my ability to google, is what prompte this particular post lol.

1: Armadillo is Spanish for little armored one. No duh.

2: Armadillo shells used ot be used to make the back of the charango an Andean lute instrument. Whatever that is. (alright, i looked it up, it looks like a misshapen mandolin)

3: Armadillos, (along with mangabey monkeys rabbits and mice) can carry and transfer leprosy to humans. But, we gave it to them first, apparently.

4: From what I've been told, and have read, armadillos are very slow, and very stupid. Hence the start of this conversation: why they're always dead.

5: In Oklahoma they get stuck in fences. That's just funny! i want a picture of that!

Organized Religion

This is my view of organized religion. These don’t reflect my church’s views, my employer's view, my family, my friends, or even how I will view this subject in a few days, weeks or months. This is simply what I think or what I am learning right now.
i’ve had vague ideas that organized religion really isn't as great as people say, but i didn't ever do the research to find what i actually agree/disagree with. i want to have a balanced view, one that shows what is both good and bad, without attacking religion, or all people who are a part of "organized religion". So here it goes:
i once heard my pastor say that he hates coming to church on Sunday, because he's supporting a multi-billion dollar industry. That's what religion has become, an industry. i don’t think something that is presented as being as important as God and your relationship with him should ever be mistaken for an industry.
From what i’ve seen organized religion gives people more of an opportunity to teach/push their beliefs on other people. Having an opinion is good, teaching your opinion, as fact isn't. i've heard a lot of people teach their personal ideas as truth, that’s manipulating people, arguably a morally wrong behavior.
Another aspect of organized religion that i don’t agree with is all of the crazy, stupid things people do in the name of their God. Suicide bombers are just one example, but i think they’re a pretty good one. These people truly believe they are doing what their God has told them to do. Another dangerous part of religion is hate crimes. The KKK is an excellent example of this, these are people claiming to be Christians that believe that their God hates certain races of humans. How does that fit into “God so loved the world”?
What about the people that crucify themselves (not to death) to earn salvation? How about the physically dangerous pilgrimages people go on? They are intentionally setting themselves up to be hurt, in the name of their god.
People will gladly do stupid or dangerous things simply because they believe that it can somehow help them get closer to their god, or because it’s what their god tells them to do.
i do have to say tho, there are 3 things i like about organized religion: (1) it brings together like-minded people. i wouldn't have meet some of the people i admire, or consider my best friends if it weren't for my church. Our paths would have never crossed. (B) It has a consistent time. The meetings are always the same day of the week, at the same time. That's good for people like me, who have such a crazy schedule that trying to fit something in at different times each week would be next to impossible. and (Choo-choo train)* Almost all of the really compassionate, caring people i've met are a part of some kind of organized religion.
That's my opinion on organized religion. What's yours?


*It'll catch on, trust me (Skit Guys: Adam & Eve skit at Sent/Falls Creek Camp reference)

This is a really funny article i found, and i have to say it sounds like a pretty great idea to me http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/154203/the_religion_i_created_over_the_weekend.html?cat=34

L.A. Candy

i just finished reading L.A. Candy by Lauren Conrad. It's a teen-girl trash novel. Very predictable, stereotypical characters, and an overused storyline. Basically, it's the 2 girls that come to L.A. and get put on a reality tv show. The characters are predictable, there's the hot, bad ass girl, the girl next door, the flake, and the super-rich bitch. There's the usual boy problems: player boyfriend in one corner and clueless best friend in the other. Even the small characters, like the tv producer, or magazine editor are pretty easy to figure out. Not a lot of substance. The only interesting part of the book was the character D, predictably gay, but really funny.

In my opinion, it was fairly boring. i don't recommend this book.

Cousin

Hi Coz,
i just want to let you know how much getting to know you this past week has meant to me. i truly enjoyed spending time with you, our conversation was different from most i usually have. i loved talking with you, i like hearing an others ideas, opinions, beliefs. Plus you're way funny! You showed me things about my town i didn't know. You introduced me to new experiences, ideas, thoughts. I've got so much to think about now, I'm reevaluating my opinion on several things.
i can't wait to read the books and watch the movies you suggested, I'm always excited to find different things to read :)
Thanks for hanging out with me all week, i had a blast! You're such a gentleman, that's something i really appreciate. i don't see that very often. First time trying sushi was pretty awesome, and I'll work on mastering chopsticks lol.
I'm sorry it was something so sad that had to reintroduce us, but I'm glad you're part of my life now. You're a pretty awesome cousin, Rusty. i can't wait to see you again!

Rachel =)

J46 Advice

"What is the best advice you ever received?"

i've gotten a lot of advice over the years (most unsolicited) but i think the best piece is something someone taught me in relation to dating, but i think it can apply to most relationships. "Find someone who is happy, and you'll be happy together." What this means is you need to find someone who is already happy, who can be happy without being in a relationship, and if you're also happy without being in a relationship, then the two of you will be happy together. How i think this applies to other relationships is that if the person (friend, relative,coworker, whatever) isn't happy, you can't make them happy. It isn't your job. But beside that, if they're not happy it puts pressure on you to either (1)make them happy, or (2)to take the blame for whatever goes wrong in the relationship. Neither of these is healthy. i don't really know what to do if you're in this situation, all i can say is 50% of the problems in the relationship or the unhappy person's fault*, and you just have to accept that it isn't your responsibility to "fix" whatever goes wrong, and believe that it isn't all your fault.
*(based on a two person relationship)

J45 Good Neighbour

"What is a good neighbour?"

My idea of a good neighbour is living next to a cemetary. They're quiet, they mind their own buisness, they don't have loud parties (very often), block the street with thier cars, steal my paper, and i don't feel obligated to buy Girl Scout cookies from thier daughter. Sounds pretty great to me!

Growing Up

i've recently realized that i've grown up. i was thinking about a conversation i had last summer, about how we didn't want to grow up, we decided that we should run away to Never-land, or possible Wonderland, and never grow up. It's too late now, i've left the nursery, and i can't go back. It's kinda sad, i've lost the last bit of my childhood. i am now truly an adult. i've changed so much in just the last year, it's incredible. I'm not who i was. I'm almost a completely different person. My views on religion, relationships, life, it's all changed. Even my food preferences have changed. That's how i know I'm growing up. Thing is, I'm glad i've changed. i like the new me better. I'm more confident, I'm a lot happier, I'm more stable, i know what i want and I'm working to get it. I'm not done growing yet, i never will be, but I'm definitely growing up... i've left Wonderland.


"We grow fat on fantasy
I guess that's why I'm leaving
I crave reality
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
I did not find paradise
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
What's been missing in my life

Growing up is not an absence of dreaming
It's being able to understand the difference between the ones you can hold
And the ones that you've been sold
And Dreaming is a good thing cause it brings new things to life
But pretending is an ending that perpetuates a lie
Forgetting what you are
Seeing for what you've been told

Ohh truth is stranger than fiction
This is my chance to get it right
And life is much better without all of those pretty lies

Ohh So Goodbye Alice in Wonderland
And you can keep your yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
These are not tears in my eyes
They are only a reflection of my lonely mind finding
They are only a reflection of my lonely mind finding
I found what's missing in my life"

Death

Death doesn't bother me. It's weird, i accept death as part of life, and i don't get upset by it. It just happens. i don't get upset, i just go one with my normal life. My great-uncle died a few days ago, i've been helping to take care of him and my great-aunt for the last few months. When they told me he was gone, my first reaction wasn't one of sadness. i felt relived. He's been suffering, and his quality of life wasn't very good, he's so much better now. Why should i be sad? Where does it say i have right to feel cheated? He is in Heaven with God, there's no more suffering, no pain, he's more happy than i can even comprehend. It would be beyond selfish to even begin to wish him back. Why should i be sad? i am sad, and i will miss him, but i'm not acting sad. i'm not devestated. And i feel guilty about it, because all around me people are sad, people are crying, people keep asking me if i'm holding up all right. All i can think is that i'm doing better than most of them. Why is that? Do i just have a more realistic view of death? Or am i simply a heartless human being?

Truth

"I do not lie. However, i occasionally restructure the truth to my benefit."