James

Hey James,

First I want to say that I'm sorry for that Friday night. I was upset, and angry, and depressed, and I just wanted to forget and have a good time. I shouldn't have acted that way, I shouldn't have gotten drunk. It was my choice, and it was most definetly the wrong one. I know that I annoy you sometimes, and I'm sorry for that as well. I'm trying to stop, really I am. About the whole asking you out thing, I was curious, and I should have just kept it to myself, or better yet ignored it, but I didnt. I never do. I'd rather try something, and fail, or try something and learn from it than to never try at all. Still, it wasn't my best move ever.

You're one of my best friends, and I don't want to lose that friendship. I'm sorry for the drama, and stress, and annoyance that comes with knowing me, and I want you to know that I am trying to be better! I hope someday we can go back to how it was, just hanging out and being friends. If we can't, I totally understand. I really do. But I hope you'll give me another chance.

Sincerly sorry,
Rae

Andy II

Dear Andy,

I know I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I miss you. So much has happened the past couple of months, I don't even know where to start! I just wish you were here, so I could tell you everything. I miss your advice, and I really need it right now. My parents have decided to start acting like nothing ever happened and we're a normal, happy family. It's all lies, and I hate it, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to go back to that life. I don't want to ever have to live in fear again.
Andy, I met a guy. I don't know if anything will ever happen between us, but I think you'd like him. He makes me feel safe, and he really listens to me, like you did. Now don't get upset, but he is going to be a pastor. I know, I know, "don't ever fall for a seminary student" I think you just said that cause you were a music major and didn't like some of the students studying to be pastors.
I'm healing, Andy, I really am. I wish you could see me now. I'm so different, so much better in a lot of ways. I still need work, but our Father has taken that broken, hurting, little girl that you knew and has started to heal her. It seems so hopeless sometimes, I don't think the pain will ever go away, but then I remember that no matter what I'm going through, God is right there next to me. Linda told me about a picture that I really like. She said to picture myself during a moment that was especially painful. Then picture the same scene, but with Christ next to me, His arms around me, crying with me. It really made a difference. Even though it hurt, and God let it happen, He was right there with me, He was hurting too. He knows exactly what I'm going through, and what I'm feeling. I know you already know all this, I know you're still looking at my life and crying with me, laughing with me, and I know you're still a part of my life. I just wish you were here. I miss you, Andy.  I miss my big brother. I miss my Starlight.

Sunshine

Calvin

Dear Calvin,

I miss you. I know we've both said this, and i know we both mean it, but i want you to know that I'm not just saying it, i really do miss you! I miss seeing you walk down the stairs wearing the same thing you wore the last two days, and i miss our conversations while we wash dishes. I miss the good movies we watched while you were here, instead of the chick-flick stuff we watch now. I miss hearing you talk about computer stuff i don't understand, but nod my head and pretend i do. I miss the calm a guy's presence brings to the house. I miss your prank war with Laura, i haven't laughed like that since you left. I just miss you! I don't wish you had stayed, i know you made the best decision and this is how it needed to be. You should come up here more often, just stop by for dinner or a movie or something. You're awesome!

Rae

Linda II

"Whoever is adequate? We all create situations which others can't live up to, then break our hearts at them because they don't."


Dear Linda, i realized when i read this, that I've been doing this to you. You care about me, and I've somehow decided that you're supposed to be my best friend, big sister, confidant, and all-around care-giver. It's not fair to you at all, i expect too much from you, i expect you to always be there right when i need you, and to put time with me above everything else. This is an entirely unrealistic expectation, and I'm really just hurting myself, cause when you're busy or just want your own life i feel hurt or left out. But i have no right to feel that way, you deserve your own life, your own time, with your own friends and family. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for expecting this of you, and I'll try to keep out of your life and give you your own space. You are really good at making boundaries and making sure i get more than enough time with you. And even when life gets crazy, and intruded on "our time" you push other things back so you can spend as much time with me as you originally planned. That means a lot to me! I do notice, and i really appreciate it! I will work on making my expectations of you realistic and something you can live up too, and beyond, instead of something you can't even live up too.
You are so amazing, and i love you so much!!


Rae

Linda

Hey Linda,
I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re pretty much amazing! You’re so funny, I like just listening to your stories, it makes working with you so enjoyable. I actually really like that I’m the only intern willing to get “dirty” cause it means I get to work with you more.
I really appreciate your willingness to spend time with me, I know it might sound silly or too simple but I like just hanging out and watching tv. I know you’re tired a lot of the time, and probably have better things to do, but it means a lot to me that you’ll spend that time with me doing something I enjoy.
Again it might sound silly, but I love it when you hug me. Being hugged (by someone I like) is pretty much the best feeling in the world. I also really like it when you call me Baby, I know that’s pretty ridicules, but no one has ever called me that before and I actually like it :p
I love our lunches together (with Rusty too!), it’s so nice to just be able to talk about anything, or nothing! I like that you push me to question things, and find out why I do things certain ways. You push me to be better, but encourage me and tell me I’m doing great right now. That’s pretty awesome! I really needed that, I know I need to do better, but it’s hard when I believe that everything I’m doing now isn’t good enough.
You’re always available for me, no matter how tired you are, or that you have a hundred other things you need to do. You’re still there for me when I need you. And in case you haven’t noticed… I kinda need you a lot, so this is no small thing!
At the beginning of the summer I didn’t think we’d be friends. I had no intentions of opening up to you, and you didn’t have any reason to open up to me so I assumed we’d end the summer with a mutual respect but no real relationship. I remember telling Kayla as much on one of our drives home, and her saying “Just wait, camp will get to you. You’ll figure out how awesome Linda is eventually.” Well I did. And it didn’t take very long!
I’m so thankful that God brought me here and gave me this year with you! I know it’s gonna be great! I
think you’re incredible, and beautiful, and pretty much amazing just how you are.
I love you, Linda!


Rae

Reach

Hi!
First off I want to say I miss ya’ll so much! i’ve met some pretty cool people here, but there’s not a group anything like you all. I’m involved in the local CCF (Christian Campus Fellowship) and the BSU (Baptist Student Union). There are some pretty crazy people here, but they’ve got nothing on you! They’re a Brian Regan quoting bunch, but we haven’t tried to stuff 9 people in a 7-seater van or play croquet in the dark yet. Mafia isn’t a big deal here, which is pretty sad. I definetly miss our games! When they do play it’s all Very Serious. Not nearly as much fun as our games!
I’m doing pretty good here, definitely learning a lot! I’m learning the ins and outs of how a camp runs, as well as a lot of office management type stuff. They’ve got the interns learning how to use things like Photoshop and Premier Pro Movie maker. I’ve been making a lot of phone calls too, neither of the other girls likes talking on the phone so I take care of most of that. It’s pretty much scheduling things like speaking at youth groups and setting up interviews with the campers.
Linda has decided that presenting our ministry is “my thing” so I’ve been speaking at a lot of local youth groups, and hopefully will be able to speak at a few college groups soon. I really like it, you know me, I love to talk! ;)
Linda teaches riding lessons two days a week and I usually help her. It’s pretty basic stuff, mostly. But we’ve been trying to introduce the kids to stuff like barrel-racing and pole-bending lately, that’s a lot of fun!
We’re getting ready to start a camper mentoring program soon. Basically we’ve matched staff members with campers to mentor. I’m excited about this program, I think it’s a great way to keep in contact with the kids throughout the year, as well as a way to make a more permanent impact in their lives. I’m nervous about mentoring kids, but I know it’s what God wants of me right now and I know I can do it with His help.
It’s not all about the ministry here though, a lot of the program is focused on personal growth. We have a lot of discussion groups together. We’ll discuss things like the image of God, Fire, what it means to be Radical, all kinds of different subjects. I’m also expected to read at least three Christian Growth books (Max Lacado, John Piper, Charles Spurgon type books) or biographies each month and write a paper about each.
I’m also being mentored by Linda, which is great cause I work with her everyday, spend most evenings hanging out at either the interns house or hers, and hanging out at the horse barn between lessons. I’m the only intern willing or able to do most of the “manual labor” at camp (think: moving things, mowing, taking care of the animals, cleaning out older buildings) so we end up spending a lot of time together. It’s pretty much amazing, cause she’s the “older sister” figure I’ve needed for a long time. Spending time with Linda is definitely my favorite part of being an intern!
Ya’ll know some of what my home life is like, so it probably comes as no surprise that I love being here, in a Christian community, surrounded by people that love me, or at least like me! I’m having a great time, and I’m growing in my faith. It’s not perfect here by any means, it’s really difficult sometimes. A main point of the program is to be “stretched and grown” and that’s definitely happening! It can hurt sometime, but I know it’s all for good. It’s hard to be away from you all and my family at South Side but I know this is where God wants me right now. So that’s what’s been happening in my life lately. I can’t wait to see ya’ll soon!
Rae

Andy

Hi Andy,
i was thinking about you today. I'm packing, getting ready for this next year. i wonder what you would say about CDO and this internship. i know you'd be happy, this is exactly what you wanted for me. i wish you were here. i want to show you around camp. i want you to meet the people I'll be living with. i want to sit in the hammocks and talk with you. i want, and need your advice. i want to feel your arms around me. i want one more day with you. i need you right now.
This is the most amazing and most terrifying thing I've ever done, and i need my big brother with me. But you're not here. So what do i do, Andy? I'm so scared, and I'm not ready for this. This next year will be amazing, but i don't want to to go through it without you. You're my star and i need you to shine. How does sunshine survive with out starlight? i don't know, i just survive. i remember the things you said, i remember your smile. i remember you wanted amazing things for and from me. You wanted me to shine, and you believed i could. Andy, for you I'll do my best, I'll work hard, I'll live every moment of this year, and I'll try to shine for you. i wish that was enough to bring you back, but since it isn't, just know that i miss you, and love you. You are the most fantastic big brother a girl could have.
i love you Andy,
Your Sunshine

Shane

Dear Shane,

I'm getting ready to move away and start this internship at CDO. It's an amazing opportunity, a chance to experience something i never thought i'd be part of. i blame you.

God used you to start this whole thing. Do you remember the night we met? It was at church and you were talking about all that God has doing in your life, and especially about the prison ministry you are involved in. You talked about the boys center in Mt. Vernon, and i remembered working at the Boys Ranch. i remembered that i had wanted to work with teens that everyone else forgot, that didn't have a chance at a better life. You and i talked about Mt. Vernon, and i decided to start getting involved in that ministry. I'm so glad i did! It made me remember that passion i used to have for kids like that. I'd gotten distracted after high school, I'd forgotten how incredible it is to be involved in a ministry like that one.

Then when Kayla asked me to think about working at CDO this summer, it seemed like the natural thing to do. It was the next step. But i wouldn't have gone if i hadn't already been involved at Mt. Vernon. i've had the opportunity to work at CDO before but i haven't had the desire before. And while i was at CDO this summer, you supported me. i knew i could call you anytime, and when we did talk you laughed at my stories, just listened to me talk about everything, gave me advice, and generally kept me sane.

This internship is something God has been preparing me for and i didn't even know. God worked through you to help bring me to a place where i was ready and willing for something like this. You didn't just let God use you, you took the time to care about me, when i really needed someone.

So me being ready for this next year? Yea i blame you.

Skateboarder

Hey there Daniel,

How are you doing? i hope Evangel is working out as well as you hoped it would. i can't believe you're almost finished with your sophomore year! It seems like we just meet, and that was 3 years ago this summer. i wish i could say i miss you, but the truth is i don't. I'm grateful for the times we had together, all the emails and chat conversations. i learned a lot from you, and you challenged me to be a stronger Christian. i enjoyed going to your church, you've got a pretty great youth group! And the camping trip was a blast! i remember meeting you at summer camp, you were so encouraging, which was sweet, but i really did suck at ultimate Frisbee! i once considered you one of my best friends, but we've grown apart as we've started the weird, wonderful journey into adulthood. i guess we're just not meant to be close anymore. i wish i could say i miss you, i really do. But i don't. i feel bad, cause i don't feel bad. We had our friendship, and it was great, but it's run it's course. And now it's finished, we're nothing more than acquaintances, occasionally saying hi or asking how the other is doing, but there's not much more to the relationship. And that's ok. Sometimes relationships fade, sometimes it's sad, and sometimes it isn't. This is one of those times. I'm letting you go. Have a great life, Daniel. Live for your God and love like crazy.

Rae

Austin

Hey Austin!

So you know i had a crush on you. The whole world knows when i have a crush on someone (subtly isn't one of my strong points). I'm just letting you know that I'm over you. (Maybe, you are awfully cute!!) i have been for several months, i just haven't gotten around to writing about it. i did have a lot of fun with you tho! Do you remember when we went bowling? That was fun but weren't we terrible? Obviously neither of us are skilled at that! You introduced me to some great new music, and i loved hearing Reality play, ya'll are really good! That night we sat together at the concert and made fun of everyone and everything, that was pretty cool. We definitely have a lot in common, but we're just not headed in the same direction. i have to say tho, Austin, you'll make a great youth pastor! i wish i could see you in 5 years, i know you'll be knee-deep in a ministry somewhere, a part of something amazing! i wish you luck, love, happiness, and faith. You'll do great, and you'll go far. I'm glad i got to know you a little, it was fun. Have a wonderful life, Austin. You deserve it!

~Sunshine~

Lynnea

Dear Lynnea,
i miss you. i have so many memories of us, more of you an me together than of any other friend i have. The late nights, the long conversations, the crazy things we did, the fun we had. We were best friends. i miss you. We've grown apart, our lives are so different now... i think of you often tho. i know you're doing great, you've got so many wonderful things happening in your life now. i wish i could be a bigger part of your life, share in your joy. But i can't, and it's mostly my fault... I'm the one who left, I'm the one who cut off contact. I'm so sorry. i wish i could pick you up and we could just drive for hours, talking like we used to. Every time i see you i wish i could go back, fix what went wrong, have one more day with you. But it's too late... We're too different now. We've both grown, and maybe if we'd grown along side each other we'd still be friends, but we didn't. It was only a year that we lost, but it was enough time to forever separate us. i miss you, girl. But i wish you the best, i know you'll go far and do amazing things! You have the power to change your life, you're strong enough. You know that. Go live your dreams. i wish you bliss. Love you girl.
Forever,
Rachel

Cousin

Hi Coz,
i just want to let you know how much getting to know you this past week has meant to me. i truly enjoyed spending time with you, our conversation was different from most i usually have. i loved talking with you, i like hearing an others ideas, opinions, beliefs. Plus you're way funny! You showed me things about my town i didn't know. You introduced me to new experiences, ideas, thoughts. I've got so much to think about now, I'm reevaluating my opinion on several things.
i can't wait to read the books and watch the movies you suggested, I'm always excited to find different things to read :)
Thanks for hanging out with me all week, i had a blast! You're such a gentleman, that's something i really appreciate. i don't see that very often. First time trying sushi was pretty awesome, and I'll work on mastering chopsticks lol.
I'm sorry it was something so sad that had to reintroduce us, but I'm glad you're part of my life now. You're a pretty awesome cousin, Rusty. i can't wait to see you again!

Rachel =)

Crysta

Dear Crysta,
i miss you. Yea we say hi at church and wave and everything, but we don't really talk anymore. Its sad, and i know it's mostly my fault. i kept saying "we'll get together soon" and i meant it, but life got busy and i didn't make it a priority. I'm so sorry Crysta! You are so special to me and I'm terrible at showing it.
i can see you're hurting, and I'm not close enough to really help, and i wish i was. i understand what you're feeling, i really do. I've been thru this too. i know you're worried about leaving the high school class. So was i. The singles class is so different, i can't even compare the two. But its so good! i know you'll like Justin's teaching, and you'll love Laura! Katie is awesome, and of course you're already close to Vicky-T. You'll find your place with us, i promise. It may take a few weeks but you'll see we're a lot of fun too.
Thank you for everything you've done for me! God has used you in such a huge way in my life! If you hadn't reached out to me, i wouldn't have come to South Side, i wouldn't have met these amazing people, i wouldn't be as strong a Christian, and my little sister wouldn't be saved. All that because you stepped out and talked to someone you didn't know. That's an amazing testimony of how God can use one person to affect so many lives.
Crysta, you have a plan for your life, you have goals. Don't lose that! Reach as high as you can, God will help you achieve everything you've dreamed of and more!
We need to go explore a cemetery again =) i love you girl!
Rae

Best Friend

Dear Jori,
It's your birthday!! You're 20! Can you believe it? Wow we're getting old lol. i want to tell you how much i love you, and some of the amazing things i appreciate about you, but facebook is way to impersonal.... and it wouldn't all fit anyways.... i tried. So here it is:
You are an amazing, godly young lady. You bring God into all areas of your life and i know how important He is to you. You make me want to be a better christian. You are so kind and sweet, even when i know you're seriously annoyed or mad at someone. You try to always look at both sides of a situation, and treat all people fairly. That's pretty amazing right there, and you have such grace when dealing with annoying or disrespectful people.
And then there's everything you've done for me, far too much to even name, but one thing that i can never forget is you once said that you were praying for me, even before we were friends. That is incredible. i don't understand why you did that, i wasn't friendly or even nice to you or your friends. But you still prayed for me, and have prayed for me since. Jori, you make me smile, and laugh till i cry. i have so much fun when i'm with you. You've introduced me to things i've never even considered trying, and helped me fall in love with them. You've stood beside me when everything is going amazing, and you've still been there when things fall apart.
You are the best friend i've ever had, i love you more than i can say and i hope my friendship to you has been even a fraction of the blessing that yours has been to me. With you i've tried new things, laughed till i cried, found new hope, learned about life, and grown so much. You are my best friend, and i thank God for bringing us together and letting us share some of the ups and downs on this carnival ride. We have all of Eternity to be best friends, and i pray we don't ever grow apart.
This is your birthday! Go a little crazy, have fun! It's your day, girl, enjoy it!
Love you Forever,
Rae

Mom & Dad

Mom & Dad-

Do you remember that day two weeks ago when we were at Grandma's and we all got in an argument about dating vs. courtship? Yea. You want to do the whole courtship thing, i understand. You want to find a good guy, have him over for dinner a few million times over 4 years and be there when he proposes. Sounds like a plan. But you're gonna have to count me out. No way in hell am i letting you or mom have anything to do with who i hang out with, date or marry.

Your marriage is falling apart, you don't truly love, respect, trust or honor each other. Why should i let you have any control over such a huge part of my life? Neither of you knows me at all, not just the unimportant stuff like my fave colors or artist i like, you don't know what matters to me. What i want to do with my life, even things like what i believe about God, church and family.

Why should i let people who know so little about me have control over who i marry? Oh and by the way, those guys that you do approve of? You know the nice, responsible, boring ones that don't have opinions on anything except Sovereign Grace doctrine? You know, the ones that smile and nod and act like i'm being cute whenever i express an opinion. What the hell is with that?

Yea. "Not my type" doesn't even begin to cover it. You want to know why i don't tell you about the guys i date? Why i never bring guys home? Because you don't approve of the guys i like. Guys that are great, strong Christians, but maybe have a different view of life than you. Guess what? Just because they may have different goals in life, or a different plans, doesn't mean they aren't even more amazing than they guys you like.

Screw you. i'm gonna do what i want cause i know me, and whats best for me, way better than either of you do. It's a fact. Ask anyone else and they can tell you all about me, but you wouldn't recognize the person they're talking about because i can't be myself around you. You don't let me. When i try you make fun of me, belittle whats important to me, and make me feel like everything i've done for the past two years is worthless. It isn't, but you don't see that.

What the hell. i don't give a damn. Do what you want, but if you try to force me to date a guy you picked out, it's not gonna happen. i'll be gone long before it comes to that.

You both did this, this is your fault. If you have ever even once tried to get to know me, really know me, it wouldn't have to be this way. But you didn't. Now it's too late, you can't fix this.

Signed,

Your Daughter

Steve

Steve-

i am highly annoyed at you right now. While i went to Fair Grove Baptist you were nice to me... sometimes. You would usually say hi if i happened to be in your line of vision. Most of the time. You are the king of "How are you? Fine? Good" *keeps walking* i know you are real with your friends, and that's great. If you don't really want to talk to me, that's fine too. But be consistent. Don't ignore my wall posts on facebook and then act all excited to see me months later. Also, i have told you, as nice as i know how, that while you're kids are wonderful and cute, i don't really like kids. It isn't ok to unceremoniously dump your kid in my lap without asking. And no, saying "Thanks" doesn't count or make it ok. Just so you know. And while its nice that you know make an effort to be friendly, its a little past due.

Rebecca/Rachel (you never could get my name right)

JDL

Dear JDL,
Do you remember all those chat conversations we had about Christianity? We talked for hours about all aspects of God, salvation, grace, faith, love, heaven and hell, and what modern Christianity has become. You prolly don't know this, but those conversations helped me so much. It helped me to really figure out what i had problems with, what i didn't understand, and what i would have to do to truly be a "little Christ". i hope and pray that you someday let God into your life, it will change everything, and you will have to sacrifice just like you were afraid you would have to. But it's so worth it. i know you, i know you'll have to come to Christ on your own and any interference from me will only push you farther away. God had blessed you with amazing talents, and He's used you in my life, whether you know it or not. i want to thank you for helping me figure out what i was looking for. i remember i once said i wasn't sure if i was a christian, and that i knew someday i would have to chose to deny God or give my life to Him. But whatever i did, it would be final, i would chose one or the other for eternity. Well i chose. i chose life, i chose God, i chose an eternity with Him. i pray you make the same choice before it's too late.
With Christ's Love,
Rae

Brown Eyes

Dear Brown Eyes,
We talked for an hour and i still don't know your name. Isn't it funny how that happens? Someone starts a conversation, and we can talk about all kinds of things, but we never get around to introducing ourselves. i know a lot about you, but not a basic thing like your name. Oh well, i guess it doesn't really matter cause I'll never see you again.
You were so nice to me at the dance, i was bummed out and you started talking to me, made me laugh. It helped more than you know. Your stories about college life, and all the crazy rules, i really enjoyed talking to you.
Florida is a long way away, and i know I'll never see you again, but i thank you for the conversation, and for asking me to dance, even tho i was to tired to accept. It was nice. i wish you luck at school, have a good time and break a few rules!
Signed,
Enchanted to meet you

Dante

Dear Dante,
i just wanted to thank you for all you did for me while i was living with my grandparents. You were so funny! Trying to protect me all the time. Unfortunately you're shorter than me, and a lot lighter. i know there were times you kept me safe, and i didn't even realize till later. You were always watching out for me, and making sure i had everything i wanted. i remember when you brought some of you're kid's movies for me to borrow. How did you know i love Winnie the Pooh? Maybe it was a little young for a 17 year old, but i was missing home and it helped!
We don't speak the same language, but we managed to communicate ok. It was mostly pointing and sign language, but it worked for us. i remember trying to talk to you when it was just us in the car, that was hard! You helped me understand the money, it was all so different. You even helped me go thru the checkout line the first time i went to the store without my grandparents.
I can tell you really care about my grandparents, and that means a lot to me. You made my stay with them more enjoyable, and easier on both me and them, and i really appreciate that.
So thank you Dante!
Rachel

Nathen & Leah

Nate & Leah,
You know I'm kind of disappointed in you two. i thought you would be different. You talked about being a church family, about how you'll always be there for us, no matter what. Leah, you said we were like sisters. Is this how you treat your sister? Really? i left the church. Yea i know it's a big deal. But i did what i felt God was leading me to do. When Rebecca left, or Michelle, or Amanda, you didn't write them off like you have me. i was part of you're youth group. i spent nights at your house, i talked to you about things I've never told my parents.
Why am i suddenly so distasteful? i know you see me, because i see you look away when i come into a room. i know you hear my messages on the answering machine, so why do you never call back? i know you read the emails i send you, so why do you never reply? Is it really that terrible that i followed my God? That i did what i believe he wanted me to do? It wasn't easy for me, ya know? It was hard to leave everything and start over somewhere new, alone. But i really thought you two would understand, you would still be a part of my life.
You know what really makes me mad tho? You didn't invite me to the party for Norman. i spent a lot of time talking to him this summer. i tried to reach out to him, i was on that trip too! i should get the chance to welcome him here. But you didn't give me that chance. i had to hear about the party the day before from my mom. i wasn't told anything about it. So i crashed it. i hope you're happy now. What was that like? To have someone uninvited, and unwanted in your house? And when i gave Norman my number, told him to call me, so we can hang out sometime... That must have killed you.
You know whats funny? The way you're acting, the way you treat me, that's one reason i left the church. i never thought that you two would act this way. And someone there i thought would act this way for sure, has reached out to me, and let me know they still want to be a part of my life. i didn't expect that. i guess you never really know someone, until it gets tough.
i thought you would behave better that this. i guess i thought wrong.