Independent

For the past few years I've been every independent, i learned the hard way that the only person i can count on to take care of me, is me. If i need something, whether it's something basic like food or shelter, or it's an emotional need, I've gotten used to just taking care of it myself. Mostly without help from other people, there haven't been too many willing to get that close anyways.
But just because I've been doing this for years, doesn't mean i don't want to be taken care of. I do! I want to be valuable enough to someone that they will go out of their way to make sure i''m ok. I want to be taken care of. I want someone to intentionally care about me enough to do that.
So now I'm waiting. Right now i can't quite depend fully on those around me, but i know God has someone out there for me, someone that will value me that much. So I'm waiting.

Seven Desires Of Every Heart

The Seven Desires Of Every Heart

This book talks about the seven desires all of us have, how often they go unfulfilled and how to work through the pain caused by that and find ways to fulfill those desires yourself
 

The Seven Desires:
1. To be heard and understood
2. To be affirmed
3. To be blessed
4. To be safe
5. To be touched
6. To be chosen
7. To be included


All of us have these desires, and we need them to be fulfilled to lead healthy, normal lives. Unfortunately, most of us don't have all of these needs met often enough to be completely healthy. A lot of people go through life 'coping' with little or none of these needs filled. Coping is dangerous and hurtful; some ways of coping are working too much, sleeping excessively, watching TV for hours on end, overeating, and generally withdrawing from other people.
 

This book talks about ways to identify coping behaviors and understand the reasons behind them. It gives suggestions for letting God, others and yourself fulfill those needs in healthy ways.
 

For me this book helped me to understand why some things mean so much to me, why some seemingly small things are a big deal, and to identify why certain things hurt me and not others, or hurt me worse. This book also talks about how ultimately only God can fill these needs completely all the time, even though they are meant to be filled by both other people and yourself as well. It helped me to understand myself better, and to identify ways that my 'coping' could be hurting other people. It also talks about setting achievable expectations of other people, and not expecting one or two people to completely fill all of these desires all the time.

Calvin

Dear Calvin,

I miss you. I know we've both said this, and i know we both mean it, but i want you to know that I'm not just saying it, i really do miss you! I miss seeing you walk down the stairs wearing the same thing you wore the last two days, and i miss our conversations while we wash dishes. I miss the good movies we watched while you were here, instead of the chick-flick stuff we watch now. I miss hearing you talk about computer stuff i don't understand, but nod my head and pretend i do. I miss the calm a guy's presence brings to the house. I miss your prank war with Laura, i haven't laughed like that since you left. I just miss you! I don't wish you had stayed, i know you made the best decision and this is how it needed to be. You should come up here more often, just stop by for dinner or a movie or something. You're awesome!

Rae

Waiting...

Dear Father,

I've given up. I'm tired of looking for him. I know You have someone out there for me, some one who will take care of me, protect me, someone who is strong and gentle all at the same time. Someone who is Your son, who is completely devoted to You. I keep find men that have some of these qualities, and i look at them and wonder, but it's not them. None of the men I've met so far are "right", they don't fit with me, or i don't fit with there future plans. So i am giving up. I thought i needed to be looking, but i guess i don't. If You have someone in mind, You're going to have to bring him to me, cause I'm done wasting my time with good guys that just aren't "right". All of them, Father, all the guys I've gotten to know in the past few years, they are all Yours. I'm done trying to make something happen. I'm done trying to convince them that I'm someone worth getting to know. It hurts to much. I refuse to cry over any of them, i don't even want to. I want what You want. I want the man that You have for me, the one that will look past my brokenness, and see what You see when You look at me. I want to be able to look past his failings, and see him the way You do, Father. I want to stop pushing, i want to stop trying to just make things work.

I want who You want. I've given up, I'm giving it to You, Father. Your will be done in my life.

I Miss You

Do I miss you?

Count the stars
Multiply by ten
Of course I do
More than now and then
 

I could paint a rainbow
Shine the sky
Set the stars in space
Faster than explain
How much I miss your face

Watch the moon
Someday soon
He will start to smile
When I say "I'll see you
In a while

But 'til then I miss you
Dry my tears
Hide my fears away
Until that happy day
To the rainbow's end
Is where I would go, my friend
I do miss you so


For Andy, for all the rainbows, sunshine, stars, and light you brought to my world. I love you still.

Christmas Gift

About a month ago the camp secretary asked each of us interns to choose a hoodie or jacket from a Splash Design catalog. We assumed the jacket we chose would be embroidered with the camp logo and given to us for either a Christmas present, end of the year gift, or just a general we appreciate you gift. Yesterday Ben and Grace came to GTC to have a small Christmas party with us before we leave for break. We were each given a package, and when we opened then the other girls had the jackets they had picked out. Mine wasn't a jacket, it was a coat! It's a beautiful black coat with a fur-trimmed hood that fits perfectly! Grace said she remembered a conversation we had a few weeks ago, she had asked me if i had anything warmer than a hoodie, which is what i was wearing in very cold tempratures. She was shocked when i said no, and that i hadn't ever really had a coat, we were always so poor i just used my parents old worn out jackets and hoodies. So she bought me a coat! It was so sweet! I think it's the most heart-felt gift i've ever gotten, and it's more than appreciated. Thank you, Grace! You are so amazingly thoughtful, and i'm so grateful for this gift!!

The Hope Of My Heart

The Hope Of My Heart
John McCrae


I left, to earth, a little maiden fair,
With locks of gold, and eyes that shamed the light;
I prayed that God might have her in His care
And sight.

Earth's love was false; her voice, a siren's song;
(Sweet mother-earth was but a lying name)
The path she showed was but the path of wrong
And shame.

"Cast her not out!" I cry. God's kind words come --
"Her future is with Me, as was her past;
It shall be My good will to bring her home
At last."

Perfect Vacation

My idea of a perfect vacation would be traveling to a new place with someone i love. It doesn't matter much where we go, or what we do, as long as we're together and doing something new and different. It could be a trip to London to see all the history there, or a cruise in the Caribbean, relaxing and just enjoying our time together. Or it could be a hiking trip in the Appalachian mountains, getting out and experiencing the creation of God. It could be as simple as traveling to a nearby city and visiting the museums and theatres there. As long as we're together i know we can have fun and it will be my perfect vacation.

Hope

 Hope

Emily Bronte


Hope was but a timid friend;
She sat without the grated den,
Watching how my fate would tend,
Even as selfish-hearted men.

She was cruel in her fear;
Through the bars, one dreary day,
I looked out to see her there,
And she turned her face away!

Like a false guard, false watch keeping,
Still, in strife, she whispered peace;
She would sing while I was weeping;
If I listened, she would cease.

False she was, and unrelenting;
When my last joys strewed the ground,
Even Sorrow saw, repenting,
Those sad relics scattered round;

Hope, whose whisper would have given
Balm to all my frenzied pain,
Stretched her wings, and soared to heaven,
Went, and ne'er returned again!

Linda II

"Whoever is adequate? We all create situations which others can't live up to, then break our hearts at them because they don't."


Dear Linda, i realized when i read this, that I've been doing this to you. You care about me, and I've somehow decided that you're supposed to be my best friend, big sister, confidant, and all-around care-giver. It's not fair to you at all, i expect too much from you, i expect you to always be there right when i need you, and to put time with me above everything else. This is an entirely unrealistic expectation, and I'm really just hurting myself, cause when you're busy or just want your own life i feel hurt or left out. But i have no right to feel that way, you deserve your own life, your own time, with your own friends and family. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for expecting this of you, and I'll try to keep out of your life and give you your own space. You are really good at making boundaries and making sure i get more than enough time with you. And even when life gets crazy, and intruded on "our time" you push other things back so you can spend as much time with me as you originally planned. That means a lot to me! I do notice, and i really appreciate it! I will work on making my expectations of you realistic and something you can live up too, and beyond, instead of something you can't even live up too.
You are so amazing, and i love you so much!!


Rae

Girly or Anti-social?

Today i had two choices for this evening:

1. Get to dress in a beautiful ball gown and strappy high-heels, have my hair and make-up done, and wear sparkly jewelry. Go to a ball, see people i know, and spend the evening dancing and conversing with hansome young men, and feeling beautiful and special.

2. Hang around camp, take pictures, crawl in the dirt to get good shots, edit pictures, talk on the phone with a good friend, and watch a movie with Linda.

Yea, no contest. I stayed home. I'm positive i had a better time than i would have at the dance, too.

Am i really girly? No.
Am i anti-social? Heck yes.

This does not make for much of a party-goer. =P

Jesus Is Better Than Santa

Santa lives at the North Pole.
Jesus is everywhere.

Santa rides a sleigh
Jesus rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year
Jesus is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies
Jesus supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimmney uninvited
Jesus stands at your door and knocks..., and then enters your heart.

You have to stand in line to see Santa
Jesus is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap
Jesus lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is
"Hi little boy (or girl),
What's your name?"
Jesus knew our name before we did.
Not only does He know our name,
He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and
He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly
Jesus has a heart full of love.

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO
Jesus offers health, help, and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry"
Jesus says "Cast all yur cares on me for I care for you."

Santa's little helpers make toys
Jesus makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but
Jesus gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree
Jesus became our gift and died on the tree.
It's obvious there is really no comparison.
We need to remember Who Christmas is all about.
We need to put Christ back in Christmas.
Jesus is still the reason for the season.

Broken Plate

This is how i imagine a broken plate feels... 

Pain. I couldn't believe this had happened, how could this have happened to me? I'd always done my duty, never complained. I did my very best to keep food from sticking to my surface, and I would hold tight to the table while the people were eating off of me. I didn't slide around, no sir, not me. I didn't mind being left in the dish rack all night, with just the butter knife to talk too (and let me tell you, butter knives aren't much for conversation). I had done a good job, ever since the people brought me into this house. Everything was going so well, why did this have to happened? Slippery hands, and not enough care taken, that's what. And now look, I'm broken into half a dozen different pieces.  And you know what's going to happen to me, don't you? No glue for me, no patches, no fixing like they do with the porcelain figurines in the living room. I'm just a simple dinner plate. No, I'll get nothing but the garbage can. I'll get thrown away like nothing I've ever done was of any service or importance. It's not fair! I've worked hard all these years, I was there when they had the special dinner after the baby was born, and i was there for every Christmas Eve dinner, and birthday dinner. I was the one their daughter ate off of on her sixteenth birthday, and the one their son used the night he announced he was accepted to Berkeley. Me, all this time, it was me. And now what? I'll get thrown out like yesterday's trash. It's not fair. I'm a part of this family too, aren't I?

Excuses

I can't work today. I'm very sorry, but i simply can't bare to work today, it's a very emotional day for me, you see. My dearly beloved pet house mouse died tragically this day 17 years ago. Fred, that was his name, got caught in a horribly misplaced trap and expired alone and feeling unloved. The memory of this appalling event still haunts me, and I simply can't bare to come into work today. I can't even bare to get out of bed.



A writing prompt i came across was to write an excuse for not going to work, so i decided to have some fun with it ;) 

Ridgeview Christian Church

I have visited Ridgeview Christian Church several times and so far i like it. The first Sunday i visited i only went to the morning service, and not Sunday school. The second and third times i was able to visit the college class as well. The people in general are a little distant, but the leaders of the college class, J.D. and Tammy Smith, are pretty cool! Both of them were very welcoming to me and expressed interest in me and my life. I like the college class, it's engaging and informative, with a very casual atmosphere that is open to questions, comments and general wanderings. I enjoyed the worship, and i like the children's message time on Sunday morning. I don't like that they have communion every week, but this is a doctrinal difference that i will just have to get over should i choose to keep attending this particular church. I haven't heard anything taught that i disagree with, and i enjoy the pastor's sermons. i like this church, but they could work on welcoming visitor's a bit more, but they're decent at it for now. I like this church. I don't know if it will be the one i choose, but i do enjoy it. i'm looking for a church with a solid college age class, and this church has that. i plan on attending this church at least for another few weeks, and we'll see what it think after that.

The 1st Four Months

I've been a CDO intern for just over four months!! This is definitely something to celebrate! There were a few times i didn't think i'd make it this far. It's been a difficult journey to this point, and i'm not even halfway done yet. But it's also amazing, God has been revealing so much to me, even through the pain. I think that may be the only way He can get through to me, i barely talk to Him otherwise. I'm still trying to figure out the truth about God and who He is to me. That is something i want to get out of this intern-ship, a true understand of God. Even the idea that He loves me is so hard for me to imagine, i still don't really believe it but i'm getting there. I think starting to believe that God loves me and won't leave me is all i can handle right now, and i've been told that this may be where God wants me to stay for a while, until i truly believe with my whole heart that he loves me.

On the more practical side, i'm adjusting to living with 2 roomates and all of the responsibilities that come with that. I've also started mentoring a camper here in Rolla, that's going really well and (surprise surprise) i'm actually enjoying it! I've also had the opportunity to improve my public speaking skills through the recruting presentations i've done at colleges and youth groups. I've also learned a lot about horses, dogs, and animal care and training in general. 

The best part, though, has to be the relationship i've been building with Linda. She's so incredible, and i wouldn't be here without her. She's fast becoming my best friend, big sister, and mentor. I've gotten to know her family as well, and i really like them too! Her parents are pretty cool and she's got a great little brother. It seems like we get closer all the time and i love it! She's more amazing than she even knows, but i know, and i thank God for her. 

My Story

Since i've just recently revamped my blog, changed the web address, and invited a lot more people to see my blog, i thought i should re-sate the purpose of it. Just to keep everyone caught up.

This is a collection of my thoughts, ideas, opinions, articles i like, songs i listen too, random things i find, creative writing projects, photos i like, or really anything i enjoy or i feel expresses me in some way. This is my story so i'll tell it however i choose. Please remember tho, this is a form of therapy for me. Just because i post something doesn't mean i'll still feel that way 2 months, 2 weeks, or even 2 minutes later. Also, i reserve the right to change my opinion on anything, at any given time, without updating or removing previous posts displaying contradictory opinions. Hopefully you won't be put off by my sometimes less-then-kind letters or ideas, but if you are, you can leave. i do not tolerate intolerance. (yes i know i just contradicted myself, just wait a minute) i will listen with genuine interest to anything you say, even if i don't agree, so please have the same respect for me.
This is my story. I decide where it goes next.

Flying

"Just when the caterpillar thought her life was over... she began to fly"

I feel like this describes my life to some extent, right when it hurts the most and i think i can't go on, i find that it all had a purpose and I'll not only be ok, I'll be better than i was before.

Inspiration

Inspiration struck last night, i was going to go to a Christmas party, but i started writing and didn't really stop till this afternoon. It's amazing how much i enjoyed it! i didn't realize i missed it that much. Most of the evening was spent in the company of Pepsi and Carbon Leaf's album Indian Summer. Both are very imperative to my writing processes ;) It sounds silly, but i haven't wanted to write for months so this was very exciting for me!

Proposal

7 Reasons To Turn Down A Marriage Proposal

1. Timing 

2. Religion

3. Kids

4. Cultural differences

5. Location

6. Jobs

7. Annoying Family

Risk

"If you don't risk anything, you risk more."

I believe that if you don't ever risk anything, you are risking even more. You are risking losing out on love, laughter, fun, adventure and excitement. You risk making memories and building relationships with people. You risk missing life. That's why not stepping out and trying something new or difficult or uncomfortable may be the riskiest thing you ever do.

First Toy

The first toy i remember having was a big pink bunny. My parents gave her to me for Easter one year, when i was about 3, i guess.  I remember carrying it around with me, having "lunch" together, it helping me win sock-throwing battles, watching movies with me, and exploring the woods behind my house. That rabbit went everywhere with me for a while. She moved with me from one house to another over the years, she was always real good about it. Just happy to be going with me, no matter if she was packed in a box, suitcase, or plain old black trash bag. She was pink with pastel coloured pads on her feet, and a multi-coloured ribbon around her neck. She was about 20 inches tall and at least 12 inches around the middle. So she was a big toy for a little kid, at first anyway. I grew into her pretty fast, and played with her all the time. She was one of my favourite stuffed toys, one of the few i kept all these years. i still have that pink bunny, she sits in a box in my parent's attic, waiting for me to get settled in my own place and bring her to live with me.

A Gift Is Not A Gift

A Gift Is Not A Gift

He comes with love
Which brings us hope
Which turn to joy
Which offers peace.
Little Baby tucked away
In a manger full of hay,
It's hard to believe what You are.
A gift from above,
The gift of God's love
Who was born long ago for today.
But a gift is not a gift until it is received,
And a truth is not a truth until it is believed.
Little Baby small and frail,
Whose birth today we hail,
It's hard to believe who You are.
If only You had been a carpenter poor,
Who triumphed over life to become rich.
But instead You were a carpenter died poor,
That others like me might be rich.
But a gift is not a gift until it is received,
And a truth is not a truth until it is believed.
He came with love
Which brings us hope
Which turns to joy
Which offers peace.

What's In A Name?

A friend has said that they think someone's name can define and influence their life more than we really give credit too. I decided to look into the different meanings of my names, so here's a list of my names and the different meanings from different cultures.


Rachel-
Israeli- innocent lamb.
Hebrew- Ewe. (Mother sheep) Rachel was the second and favoured wife of Jacob in the Old Testament.
English- Ewe. (Mother sheep)


Rae-
German- wise protection
English- Doe
Hebrew- Diminutive of Rachel: Ewe. Rachel was the second and favoured wife of Jacob in the Old Testament
Scottish- Grace


Marie-
French- bitter sea.
English- Variant of Latin name Mary: bitter.
Hebrew- Variant of Mary: Wished-for child; rebellion; bitter.

There are a few i like better than others. i like the idea of being an innocent lamb, i have an inherent desire to be protected. i also like doe, cause they are elegant and peaceful. Grace is nice, being both graceful and giving grace to others is something i try to do (and mostly fail at). Bitter sea seams to fit me pretty well, i'm unpredictable like the sea and i can be melancholy and bitter about life sometimes. I was most definitely not a wished for child, so i feel like that one is completely irrelevant. I think Rachel was something of a spoiled brat so i really don't like that one, and i never really had to be rebellious, my parents didn't much care what i did. But i am most definitely a rule-breaker and i'm not afraid of a fight so i think rebellion suites me well.

2 Down, 1 To Go

At the beginning of the intern-ship the leadership asked the three of us girls to commit to a year of single-mindedness.  Since then 2 of us have had to have "the conversation" with a guy. You know the one, the "i can't date you, we have to stay friends even tho i think you might be the guy i'm supposed to marry" talk. The good news is two of us have gone through it so only one left. The bad news is, the one left is me. I'm really dreading this, i know it'll prolly happen before summer, but i'm kinda hoping i'll be the one to make it through without having "that" talk.

Bethlemhem Star

Soft winds are blowing
O're Bethlehem town,
Brightly the stars
From heaven look down
Quietly the shepherds
Their long vigil keep
Over their flocks
Of slumbering sheep.
Hark! There's a sound
On the pulsating air,
Music is stealing
From voices somewhere.
And a beautiful light
As a star settles down
O're a stable that stands
At the edge of the town.

Laundry Room

The laundry room. It doesn't seem like it would be used for anything other than doing laundry, right? Well, then you just haven't seen it through the eyes of an intern!

The laundry room at CDO is far more than a place to wash clothes. It's a place where you can sit on the dryer and talk on the phone without being interrupted. It's a place where two of us can work together, singing Disney songs, laughing and getting to know each other. It's also a "refuge" to some of us. It's a safe place to go and think, cry, or scream at God without being overheard. It's a place to go if you're upset or angry and want to be alone for a while. If the leadership can't find one of us, the laundry room is usually where they look. It's not just a place to wash clothes, fold blankets or sort socks, it's a safe place for all of us.

Florence Nightingale

Florence Nightingale

Florence Nightingale was a Christian woman dedicated to God and fulfilling His calling in her life. She felt God calling her to serve people when she was a young adult and followed that calling around the world and back. Florence spent many years trying to get the training she needed to help care for and heal soldiers; she was blocked by her parents and society’s standards for a single woman but she didn’t let that pull her down for very long. She looked for and found good Christian people willing to help her succeed in her mission of bettering hospital conditions. Florence left her family several times to go find the education she needed, and finally to work at a hospital for wounded soldiers in the Crimea. While she was there she visited many other ARMY hospitals and helped them improve their conditions for the patients. After the war, Florence went back to England and worked at bringing those same improvements to the civilian hospitals in her own country. Florence petitioned many political leaders to change the conditions in the local hospitals, and was met with both resistance and approval. She helped to improve the hospitals, and then worked to start a nursing school. She hoped to give nursing a better reputation as well as instructing and training up very well-equipped nurses to work in the new, better hospital settings. Florence lived all of her life following God’s calling, and doing His work no matter how difficult it was. She is primarily responsible for bringing cleanliness, personal care, and good food to hospitals as well as giving nursing higher standards and a greatly improved reputation.

Made My World

Made My World

I never thought of what I could be
Where I'd go
What I'd do
I never thought of what I should be
Until You
You came into my life
When I was all alone
You came down
And saved my soul

When I found my world was crashing
And I thought I'd lost my passion
You came and laid a hand
On this little girl
When I thought my dreams were fading
I looked up and saw You waiting
You reached Your hand down
And You made my world



I never thought of where I might be
If I turned away from You
I never thought of all I would need
Without You
You came down
When I was all alone
You came down
You came down
And saved my soul


i love this Jaci Velasquez song, i feel like this idea played out in my life in the last week or so.

Kathy

i had a really emotional day, and i had a chance to talk to Kathy Collins tonight (Linda's mom). She said something that hit me hard. She said that the love i feel from Linda is really God loving me through her. It's Linda's arms around me, but God's love directing them and His love pouring over me. I've never thought of it in that way, and Kathy said that this is something that won't change. God will keep loving me through people, even though the people may pull away or stop loving me, God will bring someone else to me to show me His love. This idea is completely new to me, and it's one i think i can maybe accept easier than God being the only one to really love me. God is great, but he doesn't hug me or watch a movie with me, or go to dinner with me. She also said that God has plans for me but he doesn't show me what they are until it's time for them. Not early and not late, but right on time. So if it seems like my future is uncertain , it's just that it's not time for the next step. God let me know about this internship three weeks before it started, and i'm set here until August so i really shouldn't be trying to plan anything until much closer to the end of my time here. When i was crying Kathy wrapped me up in a hug and prayed over me, which is exactly what Linda does. She was very understanding and helped me a lot, so Thank You Kathy! i love you!

Arguing With God

I've always been second place, replaceble, or worse, forgotten. I've had friends that i was close too, and they were the person i cared about most, but i've not been that person for someone else. It hurts to think that people don't care about me as much as i care about them, but i've just kinda brushed it off and tried not to think about it. I thought it was gonna be different with Linda, i really did. i thought maybe she would care about me as much as i care about her, and for a while i thought she did. She spent more time with me than the other interns, and talked to me more. She even suggested me moving in with her after my internship ends. i thought that meant she loved me more than she loved the others. I know it sounds stupid and selfish but that was what i wanted. Recently i've begun to think that that's not true, no matter what happens at the end of this, she's not going to feel the same. If things keep progressing the way they are now, i think she will actually care about me less than she does now. No of this is wrong, and i'm not mad or upset with her at all. I'm just hurting, trying to understand this; if Linda, who i though might be the only person to love me more than others can't, than who can? I was in the middle of the floor, sobbing, hurting like never before when i thought of the Father's Love Letter, it says things like "I'll never leave you", "I love you with an everlasting love", "If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me", "When you are broken-hearted, I am close to you", "I'll take away all the pain". I thought what if God is the only one who can love me the way i long to be loved? If i can't find that love in people, then i have to admit that only God can give me what i want. But what if i admit that i can't find it in people and look for it in God, and He doesn't love me like that? What if He doesn't accept me, or what if He is really the way i imagine Him to be and doesn't really care about us? Then where am i? I can't keep looking for love from people, but i'm afraid to look to God for it. So i'm stuck, hurting, in tears, wishing it would all end.

Windows To My Soul

Windows To My Soul
Unknown


Lost in dark depression
Not knowing where to turn
I opened the windows to my soul
To see what I could learn
I swept up the depression
Scrubbed the sadness and the hurt
I put it all in trash bags
And set them by the curb
I found stashed in a corner
Tucked high upon a shelf
A treasure chest of knowledge
That I could love myself
And wherever my future takes me
I know I will win
Because I opened the windows to my soul
And let the light shine in

First We Have Coffee...

First We Have Coffee...


This book is a collection of stories about a Norwegian minister and his wife written by their eldest daughter. It tells of their crossing to America in the late 1800s, their early life together, their children and the many different places they ministered in their long life together. There are funny stories, touching poems, and traditional Norwegian songs. The daughter tells of their family’s life together, the hard times that brought them closer together as well as the prosperous times when they just enjoyed life as a godly family. God was central to their life, He was at every meal, every lesson, with them when they did their chores and when they played. God was not a “Sunday thing” He was in every part of their life. All six children had a deep understanding of God’s love and grace.
Ella, their mother, had a special relationship with her Savior. She had many different parts of the Bible memorized, so she had a verse for every thought, action or attitude. When her life was the hardest, her child dying or her husband missing, she brought to mind those verses and called to God to give her the peace she needed. She was a true servant of God and lived her life to fulfill His plans.

Gypsy Girl

I don't know who i am right now, I've been told a lot of different things about who i am or should be, and I'm not sure what to believe. I'm trying to sort through all i've been told or believed to find the truth about who i am. 

I don't really know where I'm going in life, what the future holds. I have a lot of options before me, but i feel like I'm not ready for most of them. 

I'm searching for love, but even more for hope. My  world is filled with darkness, doubt and despair. I'm looking for hope to bring light to my world.  

I'm a gypsy, wandering through this world. Ever searching, never finding. Wondering, "Will I find what I seek?"

Someone's Waiting For You

Be brave little one.

Make a wish for each sad little tear.
Hold your head up though no one is near
Someone's waiting for you.
Don't cry little one.
There'll be a smile where a frown use to be
You'll be part of the love that you see.
Someone's waiting for you.
Always keep a little prayer in your pocket
and you're sure to see the light.
Soon there'll be joy and happiness
and your little world will be bright
Have faith little one
'Til your hopes and your wishes come true.
You must try to be brave little one.
Someone's waiting to love you


i heard this song many years ago, and i've loved it ever since. i often feel like this was written for me, telling me to hang on till i find someone who will love me and take care of me.

Tired

... I’m so tired, I’ve been running around in circles for months. I need to grow spiritually, in maturity, and in skill level to be able to do what they need me to do, but I don't feel like I'm growing in those areas because I'm so busy trying to do what they need me to do....

SuperGirl

I've decided i'm Super Girl. After what i did today, i think i can do pretty much anything. I completed a page and a half of tasks today, and still found time to make my own lunch and dinner (and eat it!), write a report, read a few chapters of a book, and stop to have actual conversations with people. I think today's soundtrack would consist of songs like Whistle While You Work, Happy Working Song, and Super-girl. I accomplished a lot, and now i'm tired. Maybe i'll be able to sleep tonight! ..... i just caught sight of dishes, laundry, and a dirty floor. Does super-girl ever get to stop working? I guess not....

Louis Pasture

I just finished a biography about a man named Louis Pasture.

Louis Pasture was a great French scientist of the 19th century. He was responsible for discovering or widely expanding the knowledge of things like pasteurization, the germ theory of diseases, and contagious diseases. He was also instrumental in developing the theory of vaccines. Because of his work today we have things like rabies and smallpox vaccines, as well as the ability to process dairy products to make them safe and able to store longer.
Louis was driven by both his passion to help people, and a desire to serve his God to the best of his abilities. In his last public appearance he gave a speech that included this: “The most important thing, when one approaches the end, is to be able to say ‘I have done what I could.” Louis certainly lived up to this statement. His family and friends have written about his deep faith, and how it was the thing that brought him through all the hardships in his life. Louis Pasteur was a man dedicated to his God, his family, his country, and human kind.