Our Friendship

For Jo

Our Friendship Is Real

I'm sitting here thinking about the past,

Hoping in the future our friendship will last.

We have been friends for a short period of time,

And already been through a lot, even so we're just fine.

I've seen lots of people come and go,

Saying and doing whatever- carless, you know?

Thats why your friendship means so much to me,

When I'm with you, i feel secure, whole and free.

Free from those who won't be around

When times get tough and I am down.

You'll be there for me, and understand how i feel,

Because we both know our friendship is real.

Kids

Kids. Offspring. Little people. Short obnoxious ones. i could go on, but you get the picture. i'm not a 'kid' person. At all. Now, i'm not a kid hater, i certainly don't condone abuse or neglect, or abortion. But i don't love kids like some people do. i don't like babysitting, working in the nursery, teaching, or being around kids in general.

Before you get mad at me for not liking your kids let me add this: i don't mind my friends kids. They are important to me because i care about my friends. i will always be nice to, and play with those kids. When my siblings have kids i'll be the awesome aunt who buys them all the coolest toys and takes them to amusement parks and on road trips.

But i don't want kids. After a couple of hours with kids (less for the screamers) i'm done. i can't even imagine what it would be like to have to be with them all the time, much less to be responsible for their lives. It doesn't appeal to me. i simply don't want kids.

i said this a few years ago and i got a lot of lectures about how i'll "change my mind when i get married," and "i don't really mean that." Or the ever popular "Child hater". i did mean it, but i got tired of getting scolded so i shut up about it. Till now. After 2 years and countless hours of babysitting, nursery duty, and taking care of my siblings, i feel exactly the same, maybe more so. i don't want kids. "They are so cute from a reasonable distance." Yea, that's me.

Now, i can be happy for my friends that do want, or have, kids. i can (and am) excited for those that are about to become parents, as well as those that already have kids. They will make much better parents than i ever would.

This is just a fact. i'm a demanding, exacting, no nonsense kind of person. Little kid games, incessant talking, mess and unnecessary noise drive my crazy. i am not patient. i am not "motherly" no matter what my name implies. i don't know if this is how God made me, or if the circumstances of my life made me this way, i'm inclined to think both, but this is how i am. Its how i've always been.

When i was little i didn't play with baby dolls, i didn't play family. i played in my "house" and let my siblings come and visit (sometimes) from their "house". Or if we happened to be playing "traveling in the wilderness" (my idea) they would set up their camp near mine. My 3 siblings were always one family, while i was a single person (i was a little selfish...ok a lot).

Anyway, my point was that i've never been into the whole "family" or "children" thing. i know its weird for a girl (whos supposed to be wired to want kids) to not want them so much.

This is just me. My opinion. If you feel differently (i hope you do) thats great! Have kids, love them, raise them according to God's principals. Just don't ask me to do the same.

Please don't tell me how wrong i am, or that i will change. You haven't lived my life so you can't know all that i have experienced in this subject. If i get married (not likely) i will probably not change my mind. God would have to change my heart and a great portion of my personality for that to happen. (i'm not saying He can't, just that He prolly won't) i will be perfectly content to live my life childless. Please don't judge.

You Might Be Addicted To Narnia If...

You randomly knock on the backs of wardrobes (or closets)...just in case.

You have named one or more pets after a character from the books.

You have named one or more CHILDREN after a character from the books.

You (unlike Caspian) can remember all seven names of the lost lords.

You are appalled when people say that the Chronicles of Narnia are "suitable for ages 8-12"...because you're WAY older than that.

Seeing a lamp post makes you happy!

You jump into rain puddles just to see what happens.

When someone is being pessimistic, you say "You're such a Puddleglum!"

Before eating venison, you ask the cook "This meat didn't come from a TALKING stag, did it?"

You consider mice noble creatures.

You excuse yourself from gym class because you haven't breathed enough Narnian air.

You repeat the four signs day and night, night and day -- even in the shower.

You find yourself thinking, "Aslan is on the move." whenever you see or think of melting snow or ice.

You hesitate when you eat apples.

When you get frustrated, you say, "Bother Eustace."

You read the entire series to your child--before he was born!

You keep your closet door open just a crack (after all, it is very silly to shut oneself up in a closet/wardrobe)

You blow into a horn when you in trouble to see if you can summon the Kings and Queens of Old Narnia

You don't associate with people in green

When falling off a horse, you remember the line from HHB about horses stepping on people much less than one might expect. You are stepped on anyway and still slightly resent Lewis for this...

You've put a hook halfway up your wall and asked your enemies (who haven't read HaHB) to jump up and down in front of it screaming "The bolt of Tash falls from above!!!!" just for your comedic pleasure

Your family does cannon balls into the pool yelling 'The wrath of Tash falls from above!"

You can read any of the books in a language you don't know and follow it.

You have a detailed Narnia timeline as a border in your room.

Whenever anybody tries to bribe you, there's always something Narnian involved.

You refer to your flashlights as "electric torches".

Any empty room in your home is dubbed "The Land of Spare Oom."

"Narnia" is now added as a word to your computer's word processor.

When you've made up a game called Narnia Freeze Tag in which the person who is 'It' is the White Witch and turns people to stone while another person is Aslan and breathes on the stone people to turn them back.

You tell Dufflepud jokes instead of blonde jokes

You drink Shasta soda just because of the name.

Instead of using the phrase,"For Pete's sake" you say "For Peter's sake!"

When you wish that "nice" clothes in our world were like Narnian clothes--they not only look nice but feel nice when you wear them

You took an extremely difficult graduate level class just to discuss the LWW with a group of educated people

If the sign on your bedroom door reads, "Many sink down into (name witheld)'s room, but few return to the sunlit lands." It still doesn't keep my brother out, though.

You always ask the square footage and perimeter of a stable, because the inside could be bigger than the outside.

If you can find your way around Narnia easier than you can around your own town.

If you named the two donkeys next door "Puzzle" (who just happens to be grey), and "Rabadash".

If you were doing your Awana handbook when it asked whose poster is in your room and you said "Aslan's" and then later it asked "Do you need to replace your role model with someone more like Christ?" and you couldn't stop laughing.

You make a huge mess making Turkish Delight, end up with absolutely despicable lumps of gelatin, gnaw them with a wry expression and pronounce them 'good'.

If you do not approve of bare arms!!! But you wear t-shirts all the time...

If when you are on a tour of an old house and they get to the wardrobe, some one says: "Ok, if you see snow, RUN!" And you respond by saying: "No! I f you see snow, run IN!"

Your friend gets a bad haircut and is mad so you tell the hairdresser to cut yours too because you will not bear the shame of wearing an honor which is denied your friend

You insist upon wearing your Narnian shield pendant at all times... if it doesn't match, you attach it to your belt loop, undergarment strap, or ankle.

You count all the different things in Narnia that add up to seven (try it, its actually really cool: there are seven things that number seven!).

You erupt into hysterical and uncontrollable laughter when your e-mail spell check says that the word Tashbaan is supposed to be Trashcan.

When your father insists that you and your brother speak more courteously to each other and everyone else, you reply by saying, "O my father, and O the delight of my eyes, may you live for ever!" and then walk away laughing because it drives him nuts!

You know that if you take out one e and mix up the letters in Liam Neeson's name you get "Lion manes" or "Lion's mane"

If you call bad drivers on the road Calormenes, "For in Calormen, there is only one traffic rule: those who are less important get out of the way of those who are more."

If you have ever woken up with a narnia book in your hand and don't know how it got there...

Since we didn't, until recently, have the technology for a LWW movie, you willingly settled, for a long time, for the old, not-very-well-done versions. You know, the ones with PEOPLE IN HUMAN-SIZED BEAVER SUITS.

You keep an Aslan poster in your bedroom, and you pass by it every morning and evening. And you think...you just think...that the Lion grows bigger every day.

When your upset about something and your non-Narnians friends said that you need some TLC you said back, "Oh yeah, thanks! The Lion's Call will make me happier!"

If you nickname your cat "DLF".

If you have had a totally AWESOME, though naturally strange (as all dreams are), narnian dream and re-visit it so often that it seems almost like a memory.

Your friends dare you to go into a cave you've just found. You demand that they give you twenty bucks if you come out in Narnian armor.

Emeth & Aslan

This is a favorite passage of mine from The Last Battle by C. S. Lewis.

“Know, O Warlike Kings,” said Emeth, “and you, O ladies whose beauty illuminates the universe, that I am Emeth the seventh son of Harpha Tarkaan of the city of Tehishbaan, Westward beyond the desert. I came lately into Narnia with nine and twenty others under the command of Rishda Tarkaan. Now when I first heard that we should march upon Narnia I rejoiced; for I had heard many things of your Land and desired greatly to meet you in battle. But when I found that we were to go in disguised as merchants (which is a shameful dress for a warrior and the son of a Tarkaan) and to work by lies and trickery, then my joy departed from me. And most of all when I found we must wait upon a Monkey, and when it began to be said that Tash and Aslan were one, then the world became dark in my eyes. For always since I was a boy I have served Tash and my great desire was to know more of him, if it might be, to look upon his face. But the name of Aslan was hateful to me.

“And, as you have seen, we were called together outside the straw-roofed hovel, night after night, and the fire was kindled, and the Ape brought forth out of the hovel something upon four legs that I could not well see. And the people and the Beasts bowed down and did honour to it. But I thought, the Tarkaan is deceived by the Ape: for this thing that comes out of the stable is neither Tash nor any other god. But when I watched the Tarkaan’s face, and marked every word that he said to the Monkey, then I changed my mind: for I saw that the Tarkaan did not believe in it himself. And then I understood that he did not believe in Tash at all: for if he had, how could he dare to mock him?

“When I understood this, a great rage fell upon me and I wondered that the true Tash did not strike down both the Monkey and the Tarkaan with fire from heaven. Nevertheless I hid my anger and held my tongue and waited to see how it would end. But last night, as some of you know, the Monkey brought not forth the yellow thing but said that all who desired to look upon Tashlan – for so they mixed the two words to pretend that they were all one – must pass one by one into the hovel. And I said to myself, Doubtless this is some other deception. But when the Cat had followed in and had come out again in a madness of terror, then I said to myself, Surely the true Tash, whom they called on without knowledge or belief, has now come among us, and will avenge himself. And though my heart was turned into water inside me because of the greatness and terror of Tash, yet my desire was stronger than my fear, and I put force upon my knees to stay them from trembling, and on my teeth that they should not chatter, and resolved to look upon the face of Tash though he should slay me. So I offered myself to go into the hovel; and the Tarkaan, though unwillingly, let me go.

“As soon as I had gone in at the door, the first wonder was that I found myself in this great sunlight (as we all are now) though the inside of the hovel had looked dark from outside. But I had no time to marvel at this, for immediately I was forced to fight for my head against one of our own men. As soon as I saw him I understood that the Monkey and the Tarkaan had set him there to slay any who came in if he were not in their secrets: so that this man also was a liar and a mocker and no true servant of Tash. I had the better will to fight him; and having slain the villain, I cast him out behind me through the door.

“Then I looked about me and saw the sky and the wide lands, and smelled the sweetness. And I said, By the Gods, this is a pleasant place: it may be that I am come into the country of Tash. And I began to journey into the strange country and to seek him.

“So I went over much grass and many flowers and among all kinds of wholesome and delectable trees till lo! In a narrow place between two rocks there came to meet me a great Lion. The speed of him was like the ostrich, and his size was an elephant’s; his hair was like pure gold and the brightness of his eyes like gold that is liquid in the furnace. He was more terrible than the Flaming Mountain of Lagour, and in beauty he surpassed all that is in the world even as the rose in bloom surpasses the dust of the desert. Then I fell at his feet and thought, Surely this is the hour of death, for the Lion (who is worthy of all honour) will know that I have served Tash all my days and not him. Nevertheless, it is better to see the Lion and die than to be Tisroc of the world and live and not to have seen him. But the Glorious One bent down his golden head and touched my forehead with his tongue and said, Son, thou art welcome. But I said, Alas, Lord, I am no son of thine but the servant of Tash. He answered, Child, all the service thou hast done to Tash, I account as service done to me. Then by reasons of my great desire for wisdom and understanding, I overcame my fear and questioned the Glorious One and said, Lord, is it then true, as the Ape said, that thou and Tash are one? The Lion growled so that the earth shook (but his wrath was not against me) and said, It is false. Not because he and I are one, but because we are opposites, I take to me the services which thou hast done to him. For I and he are of such different kinds that no service which is vile can be done to me, and none which is not vile can be done to him. Therefore if any man swear by Tash and keep his oath for the oath’s sake, it is by me that he has truly sworn, though he know it not, and it is I who reward him. And if any man does a cruelty in my name, then, though he says the name Aslan, it is Tash whom he serves and by Tash his deed is accepted. Dost thou understand, Child? I said, Lord, thou knowest how much I understand. But I said also (for the truth constrained me), Yet I have been seeking Tash all my days. Beloved, said the Glorious One, unless thy desire had been for me thou wouldst not have sought so long and so truly. For all find what they truly seek.

“Then he breathed upon me and took away the trembling from my limbs and caused me to stand upon my feet. And after that, he said not much, but that we should meet again, and I must go further up and further in. Then he turned him about in a storm and flurry of gold and was gone suddenly.

“And since then, O Kings and Ladies, I have been wandering to find him and my Happiness is so great that it even weakens me like a wound. And this is the marvel of marvels, that he called me Beloved, me who am but as a dog -"

This is what someone else (a lot smarter than me) said might be a theory of how this lines up with the Bible.

"Emeth has not died yet, meaning he still has a chance to repent. And that was what he did – the moment he saw Aslan, he turned to him and recognized that he is the true God and not Tash. Because of this, he was able to join the others in Aslan’s country."

Flowers

i saw flowers at the store today. You know the kind, a little wilted, a little old, but still pretty and great for a price of like $3 or $4. These were my favorite kind too, colorful. i really don't have a fave flower, but i love really colorful bouquets, with red, yellow, purple, blue and green all in one bunch. i know i'm weird, but i don't really like roses much. i never have. i know, i know, i'm like betraying all girls right now, but I really don’t like them.

i've never been given flowers. Not once in my almost-20-years. Not by my parents, grandparents, or boyfriends. Not when i was in the hospital, not after a performance, not for my birthday. Its kind of strange for a girl my age and with my past expirences to have never been given flowers. i don't know why i've never gotten flowers, maybe i don't seem like the 'flower' type.

i love flowers, i love their color, i love the scent, i love how they make my room look so much nicer, and how something so simple can lift my mood so much. In the spring i'll go out in our woods and field to pick flowers for my room. Its really fun and a great way to destress ;)


i don't have money for flowers most of the time (why i didn't get any today) but every once in a while i'll go buy some as a treat for myself :) Someday when i'm rich (or at least have a steady job) i'll buy flowers a lot more often. But till then, i'll have to settle for the wildflowers in the woods.

Question Girl

I'm a question girl. i question everything! Even if i think i know the answer, i ask just to get anther's take on the subject. This annoys some people... actually a lot of people. Most of the time when i meet someone new, I'll wait quite a while before i start to ask them question, i wait to see if i think it'll bother them, or if they're cool with my inquisitiveness.

i love it when i ask a question and get a mini lecture for an answer! Its so great to get a detailed explanation, i really hate one word answers :/ That is just not fair.

There have been very few people in my life that have put up with all my millions of questions, so when i meet someone that does, its pretty exciting for me!

Church is the thing i have the most questions about. There are so many things i don't understand, things that have never been explained properly, and it kinda frustrates me. i have asked people to explain these things to me, but they either ignored me completely, or used so many technical, theological terms that i ended up more confused than when i started. After a while, i simply stopped asking. This wasn't beneficial at all. i learned all the right terms, verses, and lessons, i know the right words, but i don't really understand what it all means. i can sound like a really strong, knowledgeable Christan, but in reality i know very little. One thing i love about my church is that not only can i ask questions, I'm actually encouraged to! i've had several people tell me that they like me to ask questions, they actually enjoy answering them! Totally new concept for me.

i've gotta say, I'm loving it!

A Perfect Day

Thursday was a perfect day. It started with waking up to good music (thank God for radio/alarm clocks), and i was home alone so i got to play my music as loud as i wanted without anyone yelling to turn it down =) Then i went met up with my best friends to go bowling, that was a blast! i haven't bowled much, but i really like it, and i'm getting a lot better :) i hope to break 100 next time.

After that i spent a couple of hours at the local park with a girlfriend, just hanging out in the back of my truck, talking and listening to the radio. i hadn't been able to spend much time one-on-one with this girl, so it was really great to get to know her better.

i had math class after that, but it went really well! i can tell i'm improving, so that's encouraging =) That same guy (the one that stares at me) was there, so that was kinda awkward =P

The Advanced Dance was after my class =D so of course that was pretty fantastic! i got to learn a new dance, the Next Dance (i swear to God that's what its called). It was kinda confusing, but really fun :) i also got to dance with several new guys, its always cool to meet new people =)

Then i had kinda a long drive home, but i had good music so it was pretty fun =)

Great friends and good music are absolutely essential to a good day for me.

That's my idea of a perfect day, what's yours?? What makes your day go from average to amazing??

Why?

Why do i let the same people hurt me over and over again? i tell myself not pay attention to them, their opinion doesn't matter; it isn't a big deal if they leave me out cause i have real friends. Yet, when i see their posts and pic on fb, or hear their stories, i'm right back where i was, hurt and confused by their neglect. Why am i the one left out? Why am i not worth their time? Why am i so inferior to them? What makes them so great?

The real question is: Why do i still care about what they think of me?

i know i'm worth much more than they say, so why do i let them get to me? Is it because i spent so many years with them? Is it because they are just "so cool"? Possible, and No.

i'm actually not sure what the reason is. i tell myself to grow up and get over them... and it doesn't work. i know i'm being stupid, but i can't quite seem to get them out of my system.

i wish i could say "Screw you" and get on with life, but i can't. Someone once told me that maybe i'm supposed to be a good friend to them, so they can see what a good friend is. But what if i don't want to be a good friend to them?? What if i want to treat them the same way they treated me?? Very unchristian attitude, i know, but that's how i feel sometimes.
What to do? Try to be a friend, and be trampled on, or ignore them like they ignored me (unless they need something)?? Oh choices.....

Narnia vs. Harry Potter: What's the Big Deal?

i found this article on one of my fave Narnia sites, http://www.thelionscall.com/ and though it would make a good post :) Just to be clear, i have read (and love) all of the Harry Potter books, so i'm definitely not saying they're bad, i just think this article has some good points. i am definitely a fan of Both sereis of books =)

Narnia vs. Harry Potter: What's the Big Deal?
A while back, I encountered a question on Yahoo Answers where someone inquired as to why some people have a negative attitude toward the magic displayed in Harry Potter but seem to have no problem with the magic displayed in the Chronicles of Narnia. I decided to submit an answer for this question, but as it happened, my answer turned into more of an essay, and the topic was closed before I submitted it. However, for those of you who have wondered the same thing, I decided to post it here with some minor modifications. Just my two cents, but I think there's some food for thought.


To begin, despite some claims from other posters on Yahoo Answers, C.S. Lewis was a Christian and the similarities between Narnia and items in the Bible was intentional. They are not strictly allegory, where one thing in Narnia equals something else in the Bible. They are called "supposals." The basic idea was that Lewis wondered what would happen if God had created another world and chose to die and rise again to save that world as He did ours. Note that the magic in the Chronicles is almost always coming directly from Aslan if it portrayed as good (There are a few exceptions to this), so it could be considered a metaphor for the miracles of God. The witch and her magic are depicted as evil.

On to Harry Potter. These books are very well written and J.K Rowling's style is fun and witty. They are definitely entertaining books...but I do have some difficulty with them, and only part of it has to do with the magic they contain. The difficulty is actually threefold:

1: The Magic: The difficulty with the magical elements in the Harry Potter books is that the magic is being portrayed as being a skill that can be learned by children in our world, if they possess the predisposition for it (Yes, I know this statement is vastly simplified). In the Chronicles, the children almost never practice magic themselves, and once when Lucy tries to, in Voyage of the Dawn Treader, she ends up probably destroying one of her friendships. Humans aren't meant to practice magic.


2. The Violence: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (or Philosopher's Stone, in England) started out mildly enough. The final confrontation is a bit eerie, but nothing too horribly violent, though we do have an instance of a human being possessed by a malevolent spirit (but that fits more into category #1). By Book Two, Chamber of Secrets, we have a young girl (also possessed) killing chickens (not to eat), and quite a bloody confrontation in the climactic scene. Skip on to Book Four, Goblet of Fire, and any semblance of these being child-appropriate books seems to be lost. We have a teacher casting illegal spells, including murder and torture (albeit on a spider) in a classroom, apparently with the benevolent headmaster's consent. We have the murders of several characters, one another student from the school; Harry's blood being taken for a foul piece of magic (which, at least, is depicted as being evil in the scene); a servant cutting off his hand as part of the same piece of sorcery...the violence in this book keeps getting worse..and books Five and Six don't ease up on it much (In Six Harry accidentally casts a spell that essentially has the same effect as repeatedly stabbing another student.). At the time of this article, Book Seven has yet to be released. Is there violence in the Narnia books? Yes, but you will notice it is tempered. Possibly the most terrifying scene in the series is the sacrifice of Aslan, but you will note that the girls look away at the moment the witch actually kills him.

3. The Morality: Quite apart from magic or violence in either story, is the morality that is being taught in either series. I have heard the Harry Potter series heralded as books with incredibly strong morals, but a quick examination of the books reveals this statement to be patently false. Harry consistently lies, to his teachers, to his friends, to Dumbledore, the headmaster. He and his friends steal potions ingredients from Professor Snape (But who cares? We don't like Snape, so it's ok, right?). In fact, he's rewarded for the first rule he breaks. When the entire class is told they will be expelled if they try to fly on their broomsticks without a teacher present, Harry takes off on his broom after Draco Malfoy, who has stolen something from a friend (But hey, it's ok for a kid to risk life and limb for a noble cause, yes?). Not only is he not expelled, he's REWARDED, given a prestigious place on one of the school sports teams.

Not convinced? Well, how about Professor Lupin, who neglects to mention to the headmaster that a convicted murderer is quite possibly sneaking into the school disguised as a dog? Why doesn't Lupin say anything? Because it would be EMBARRASSING to him, and lose him some of the headmaster's trust (which he doesn't actually deserve because he's been lying to the man for years anyway). But hey, it's only Harry's life and the lives of other students that's at stake, and the convict has only gotten into the school twice already...so no big deal. So what's the difference? Don't kids in the Narnia books get up to mischief, too? Of course they do. Digory, one of the children, does something incredibly foolish, awakens an evil witch, and brings her into Narnia with him, ruining the newly creating world before it's a day old. But there are consequences. He has to face Aslan and explain exactly what happened. He's required to complete a task to help mend the damage. When Edmund sides with the White Witch against his family, he's almost killed for it (They left that bit out of the movie, but the concept was there.), and Aslan has to die in his place. The kids in Narnia make mistakes, but there are always consequences, consequences which are frequently and curiously lacking in the Harry Potter stories. When I have kids, I want them to know that God is the only acceptable source of supernatural power in this world. I don't want to expose them to violent scenes before they're old enough to deal with them. And I want them to know that there are consequences to the choices they make.

Please Listen

Please Listen

Author Unknown

When I ask you to listen to me

and you start giving me advice,

you have not done what i asked.

When I ask you to listen to me

and you begin to tell me why

I shouldn't feel that way

you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me

and you feel you have to do something

to solve my problem,

you have failed me,

strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen,

don't talk or do- just hear me.

Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get you

both Dear Abby and Billy Graham

in the same newspaper

and I can do that for my self; I am not helpless,

discouraged and faltering,

but not helpless.

When you do something for me that i can

and need to do for myself

you contribute to my fear and

inadequacy.

But when you accept as a simple fact

that i feel what i feel,

no matter how irrational,

then i can stop trying to convince

you and get about this business

of understanding what’s behind

this irrational feeling.

And when that’s clear, the answers are

obvious and i don't need advice.

Irrational feeling make sense when

we understand what’s behind them.

Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes,

for some people- because God is mute,

and he doesn't give advice or try

to fix things.

God just listens and lets you work

it out for yourself.

So please listen, and just hear me,

and if you want to talk, wait a moment

for your turn- and i will listen to you

She's Quiet?

You know the saying "People say I'm quiet, my friends wish I was"?

Yea... that would be me. In groups i tend to be quiet. With my close friends? Not at all. I'm loud and i laugh to much, i always have something to say, and I'm not good at keeping my opinion to myself. i can talk for hours (ask them) about any- and everything. Sometimes you just need to talk, you know, work something out by talking about it. I'm like that, so if i think someone needs to just talk, i can shut up and listen. i know the value of a good listener, and i know if I'm a sounding board for someone else, they'll do the same for me if i ever need them to.

It takes me a while to get comfortable around people, but once i do i can be a lot of fun. When I'm in a group of people that i don't know as well, I'm really quiet, even shy. i prefer listening to people, and watching them for a while before i really start to interact with them.

This is the situation I'm in with my singles group at my church. A few weeks ago i hung out with them at a bonfire. i spent prolly 3 hours with these people and didn't say more than 50 words the whole time. The next nite the same group was helping with a high school activity at our church. That nite i talked to all of them, at least once; most several times through out the evening. i spent a lot of time with them this past weekend, and i opened up a lot more. i think I'm really gonna get along with them =) They've all reached out to me, in their own way, which means a lot to me! i know sometimes its hard to start a conversation with someone who's really quiet. Don't get me wrong, i love this group! They're fun, a little crazy, and really close. I'm excited to be in this group, i just hope they'll be patient with me, and give me time to really get to know them.

Voice Lessons

i need voice lessons. You can ask anyone who's heard me sing (which is pretty much my family, i don't sing around other ppl). i don't just 'love' singing, i truly enjoy it. Music is always playing around me. In my room, in my truck, on my mp3, doesn't matter where i go, i want music with me. No matter if i'm happy, sad, or angry my mood improves when i start singing.

i started in kids choir when i was 10, and then went on to the Jr. High choir when i started 6th grade. i was a 1st. Soprano, i could sing those really, really high notes. i could also repeat perfectly anything you played for me, after hearing it only once. Once i learned a song, it was with me forever! For a while i even toyed with the idea of being a music major in college.

The summer i was 15 i spent most of it either in the hospital or at the doctor's office. In a 3-month period i had pneumonia, bronchitis, strep, and several colds. All of which settled in my throat or lungs. For a few months i could barley even talk, much less sing. When i finally tried to sing again, i found my voice had been damaged quite a bit. Not only am i now a low alto, my voice sounds rough when i sing. i can't hold notes very long, my voice shakes really bad when i try. i can't simply hear something to sing it anymore, i have to practice it a hundred times for it to even sound ok. i learned quick how to lip-sing. i spent most of last year in choir (including 2 out of 3 concerts) faking it. You can ask the girls i stand by, they've never heard me sing. The only song that i could easily sing last year was a medley of Broadway show that i already knew.

If you ever hear me sing (very unlikely) its only because i've practiced a song a hundred times and feel confident about it. I spite of my voice (or, perhaps because of it?) i work very hard at choir, and at improving my voice, and i can tell i'm getting better, which is encouraging! 

This week i finally worked up enough courage to join my church's choir. i had a great time, and i think it'll go well, but it was so weird to be in such a small group. The HS choir has about 90 kids this year, and my church choir has about 30 people. Pretty big difference. i can pretty much get lost in HS choir, while i'm pretty sure they would notice if i'm gone in my church choir (not cause i sing, but cause there's so few ppl). i'm also one of the youngest in choir, that's just weird! i'm the oldest girl in HS choir, if not the oldest student in the class. In church choir there's only one girl younger than me, and one or two girls less than 8 years older than me, but everyone else is at least 10 years older than me, if not more. i think it will b good for me tho, church choir is much more relaxed, and its a completely different style than HS choir, so i'm definitely learning new things!  

i'm super excited to be in two choirs now!! =)