Walls

It's really hard for me to get close to people, to let people in. i can be friendly, i can have fun with people, but there's always that mask that i hide behind. i don't let just anyone see me, i don't let just anyone know who i really am. It isn't that i don't trust people, i just don't want to get hurt. I've 'lost' so many people, i don't want to lose more, so i don't allow relationships that would cause hurt if they ended. Normally this works for me. i can have one or two people that I'm super close to, and keep everyone else at a distance. No problems. Except at Camp David. I've heard how amazing the camp is, and how it changes your life... But it didn't change me. At all. i was driving back thinking and talking about it with a friend and in the course of the conversation i realized what had been missing. Relationships. i didn't get close to anyone there, i didn't let anyone in. Yea we had fun, but not a single person there knows me at all. What was missing, what kept those two weeks from being amazing, was me. i didn't let go and be real. Because i know any relationship i develop there will end in August, and I'll never see them again. So we'll have a few weeks together and then I'll be hurt. i don't want to go thru that. But i know I'm missing a big part of camp, i can see it. i can see how the others interact with each other. They're not afraid of losing each other, because they're young, the have many summers ahead of them, and they know they'll see each other again. i don't have that reassurance. i know i didn't even begin to get close to anyone cause when i left i wasn't sad. i didn't miss anyone or the camp. i was fine with leaving. That's not ok.

I've noticed that I'm pushing people away more often, or just not letting them in at all. Even with my family. My cousins were in town last weekend and i spent pretty much the whole weekend with them. But i noticed that i was a little more closed off with them than i used to be. And they could tell too.

i hate that i do this. i know I'm missing something important, but i can't seem to just let go and let people in.

i have walls up, and i don't know how to take them down, or if i even want to.

Voices Raised

Waiting... 50 kids all waiting for the doors to open, scattered in small groups around the yard. 6 girls standing together, talking about nothing in particular. One quietly starts to sing, the others slowly stop talking to listen. One joins her, then another, soon all of the girls are singing. A few people drift towards the sound, and once they recognize the song, they join in. More kids come closer, all singing. Some are crying, some have their hands raised, some sing quietly, some loudly. In unison they sing Jesus Lamb of God, Worthy is your name. 50 voices raised in worship of our God. Not because they had too, not because they felt like they should, but because they wanted too. 50 teens worshiping their God of their own free will, no sound can compare. Drifting across the field, it was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard.

"You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all"

Change

"It's never to late to change." That's what i've heard all my life, but it wasn't until the last few months that i really started to believe it. i can change myself, but i can also change my life. i just have to believe that i can, and get out there and make it happen. There are so many things i want to change about my life, my surroundings, but there are just as many things holding me back. Whether it's caring for my family, being loyal to my employer, keeping certain friendships, whatever. I'm too worried about what's best for everyone in my life... except me. For two years i've put off my plans, done what i thought i needed to do, and in the end, those people i thought i was pleasing don't give a damn. They view everything i've done for two years as incomplete, or useless. Thing is, if i hadn't done what i did, they wouldn't be as well off as they are, but they'd certainly have more to find fault with. i've given them two years. I'm done. Call me irresponsible, call me selfish, call me disloyal. This is my life. I'm done giving it up for them. They aren't gonna like this, they aren't going to want me to leave. They're gonna try to stop me.
There is going to be a battle this summer, there is going to be a fight, it's gonna be difficult. But i will fight this, and i will win.


"And it's a sad picture, the final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again
You know it's all the same, another time and place
Repeating history and you're getting sick of it
But i believe in whatever you do
And i'll do anything to see it through

Because these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
This revolution, the time will come
For us to finally win
We sing hallelujah

So we've been outnumbered
Raided and now cornered
It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair
We're getting stronger now
Find things they never found
They might be bigger
But we're faster and never scared
You can walks away, say we don't need this
But there's something in your eyes
Says we can beat this

Because these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
This revolution, the time will come
For us to finally win
We sing hallelujah

Tonight we'll stand, get off our knees,
Fight for what we've worked for all these years.
And that battle was long, it's the fight of our lives,
But we'll stand up champions tonight

It was the night things changed,
Do you see it now?These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down
It's a revolution, throw your hands up
Cause we never gave in
And we'll sing hallelujah, we sang hallelujah,
Hallelujah"

Dreams and Nightmares

i don't dream very often, at least not that i know of. Every once in a while i'll wake with a vauge idea of a dream, but that's about it. Nightmares on the other hand, i always remember. i don't have nightmares very often either, but they're usually so bad that i remember them for a long time. i've noticed i tend to get nightmares more when i'm super stressed or tired.

i woke up screaming at 2:00 this morning. My brother heard and came in to check on me, i was sitting on my bed shaking and crying. He didn't quite know what to do, but i was so scared i wouldn't let him leave till i fell back asleep. i told him the dream was about getting eaten by alligators, it was the first thing i could think of, and i couldn't tell him what it was really about. In the dream i re-lived particularly traumatic events, it was so real... i was so scared that it was happening again... It took a long time to calm down enough to go back to sleep. I'm still shaking a little, and it was hours ago.

i hate nightmares.

My Crazy Weekend

Ok so i just finished updating my calender for this weekend... it's so insane i have to share it.

Thursday:
6:30- get up
8-5 Work
7- Benefit concert for Joplin at Remingtons
10:00ish- Hit walmart for camp supplies

Friday:
9-10 volunteer at my church
11- P&D catering- prep work for wedding
7-7am help at jr. high lock-in

Saturday:
9-5 work wedding
7-11 UFC fight night (i think)

Sunday:
10- church
1- memorial picnic
7- going away party for Daniel

Monday:
8- get camp supplies
2- pick up Kayla & leave for camp training
5- dinner in rolla, arrive at camp!

This is too insane, i'm not gonna get to sleep till monday night!

Skateboarder

Hey there Daniel,

How are you doing? i hope Evangel is working out as well as you hoped it would. i can't believe you're almost finished with your sophomore year! It seems like we just meet, and that was 3 years ago this summer. i wish i could say i miss you, but the truth is i don't. I'm grateful for the times we had together, all the emails and chat conversations. i learned a lot from you, and you challenged me to be a stronger Christian. i enjoyed going to your church, you've got a pretty great youth group! And the camping trip was a blast! i remember meeting you at summer camp, you were so encouraging, which was sweet, but i really did suck at ultimate Frisbee! i once considered you one of my best friends, but we've grown apart as we've started the weird, wonderful journey into adulthood. i guess we're just not meant to be close anymore. i wish i could say i miss you, i really do. But i don't. i feel bad, cause i don't feel bad. We had our friendship, and it was great, but it's run it's course. And now it's finished, we're nothing more than acquaintances, occasionally saying hi or asking how the other is doing, but there's not much more to the relationship. And that's ok. Sometimes relationships fade, sometimes it's sad, and sometimes it isn't. This is one of those times. I'm letting you go. Have a great life, Daniel. Live for your God and love like crazy.

Rae

Road Trip?

OK, well i've been toying with the idea of a road trip for a while now, and i've finally decided that I'm going to take a trip this fall. I'm quitting my job September 1st, packing up my truck, and hitting the road. I'm thinking about visiting some friends and family in Texas, Mississippi, Florida, and maybe Tennessee. So it'll be a fun trip, but the part I'm looking forward to the most is camping in Galveston. My family used to go to Galveston in the summers, it's the most beautiful, magical place i've ever been. I'm planning on taking a few days, maybe even a week, and camping on the beach there. I'll explore the city like i wanted to when i was a kid, I'll walk along the beach and watch the sunset, hang out on the boardwalk. i think it'll be really good for me to just get away for a while, really figure out who i am. They say you're character is who you are when no one is around. Well, I'm gonna find out who i am when no one is around.

Like i said, i've wanted to take a road trip for a long time, and i figure now, while I'm single, not in school and between jobs, this is the best time. You never know, i may not have a chance like this again. So my basic plan is to leave, travel around to wherever i want to go next, figure out what i want to do with my life, find out who i am, and come home when i run out of money. So basically my plan, is that i have no plan. And I'm super excited about it!

Time

Time. In my opinion it's the most valuable thing you have. When you intentionally devote a piece of your life to someone, it shows how much you care about them. Giving them part of your life is the most precious thing you can give them. Taking the time to hang out with someone for a few hours, talk on the phone for 30 minutes, or write them a letter, that shows you really care about them. If you look thru my calender, my phone, and my email you'll quickly see who i care about the most, who i spend the most time with, who i actively make sure is a part of my life. When i give you a piece of my time, i'm giving you a piece of my life, a piece of my heart, a piece of me. It's the most personal, intimate, loving thing i can do for someone, besides prayer. That's why it's so hard when people i've invested my life in, leave. It's like i'm losing a piece of my life. Time is my most valuable asset, but i have so little of it. It's a never-ending battle, trying to find enough time to be with everyone i care about. Maybe i know too many people, maybe i care about too many, but i think it's really that time is so precious, that's why it's so scarce. Just my opinion tho.

Saying Goodbye....

Never say goodbye
because goodbye
means going away
and going away
means forgetting.
-Peter Pan

i hate saying goodbye. It feels like i've been doing that in a lot of ways lately... Between growing apart from my old friends and having friends leave, in one way or another, i've had to say goodbye a lot in the past few weeks. And it's not over yet, there are still more leaving soon... This is a part of life i could definitely do without.

A Series Of Songs

Some people describe life as a series of scenes, sometimes they have a lead role, sometimes it's a minor part, and sometimes they simply stay backstage. Sometimes it's a monologue, and sometimes it's a big musical number with the whole cast. i like this view of life, but i have my own view that i like better. Or at least fits my personality better.
i look at life like it's a series of songs, the current one may be happy, it may remind me of something I’d rather forget, maybe it's one about a love i long for, or a friend i value. But whatever it is, it's just one song. Just one. All i have to do is make it through this song, and an different one will be next. Maybe not a 'better' one, but a different one. It may have it's own problems but at least it's different. And it may be a loud, happy song, one that reminds me that life, against all odds, really is worth celebrating.
Or it may be a slow, sad one that reminds me of someone I’ve lost, but it also reminds me of all the wonderful memories i have of that person.
Sometimes one song will last a whole day, and other times it only lasts as long as a phone call. There are old, familiar songs that I’ve heard many times before, and there are new, different songs.
i never know what will play next, i just have to take life one song at a time.

Austin

Hey Austin!

So you know i had a crush on you. The whole world knows when i have a crush on someone (subtly isn't one of my strong points). I'm just letting you know that I'm over you. (Maybe, you are awfully cute!!) i have been for several months, i just haven't gotten around to writing about it. i did have a lot of fun with you tho! Do you remember when we went bowling? That was fun but weren't we terrible? Obviously neither of us are skilled at that! You introduced me to some great new music, and i loved hearing Reality play, ya'll are really good! That night we sat together at the concert and made fun of everyone and everything, that was pretty cool. We definitely have a lot in common, but we're just not headed in the same direction. i have to say tho, Austin, you'll make a great youth pastor! i wish i could see you in 5 years, i know you'll be knee-deep in a ministry somewhere, a part of something amazing! i wish you luck, love, happiness, and faith. You'll do great, and you'll go far. I'm glad i got to know you a little, it was fun. Have a wonderful life, Austin. You deserve it!

~Sunshine~

J50 Favourite Sport

"My favourite sport is..."

Soccer, definitely soccer. i love watching soccer, i like cheering on my team.  i like the atmosphere, the noise, the crowd. I like watching soccer better than other sports, i'm not really sure why. But i like the idea of playing with a ball and not using your hands.