Walls

It's really hard for me to get close to people, to let people in. i can be friendly, i can have fun with people, but there's always that mask that i hide behind. i don't let just anyone see me, i don't let just anyone know who i really am. It isn't that i don't trust people, i just don't want to get hurt. I've 'lost' so many people, i don't want to lose more, so i don't allow relationships that would cause hurt if they ended. Normally this works for me. i can have one or two people that I'm super close to, and keep everyone else at a distance. No problems. Except at Camp David. I've heard how amazing the camp is, and how it changes your life... But it didn't change me. At all. i was driving back thinking and talking about it with a friend and in the course of the conversation i realized what had been missing. Relationships. i didn't get close to anyone there, i didn't let anyone in. Yea we had fun, but not a single person there knows me at all. What was missing, what kept those two weeks from being amazing, was me. i didn't let go and be real. Because i know any relationship i develop there will end in August, and I'll never see them again. So we'll have a few weeks together and then I'll be hurt. i don't want to go thru that. But i know I'm missing a big part of camp, i can see it. i can see how the others interact with each other. They're not afraid of losing each other, because they're young, the have many summers ahead of them, and they know they'll see each other again. i don't have that reassurance. i know i didn't even begin to get close to anyone cause when i left i wasn't sad. i didn't miss anyone or the camp. i was fine with leaving. That's not ok.

I've noticed that I'm pushing people away more often, or just not letting them in at all. Even with my family. My cousins were in town last weekend and i spent pretty much the whole weekend with them. But i noticed that i was a little more closed off with them than i used to be. And they could tell too.

i hate that i do this. i know I'm missing something important, but i can't seem to just let go and let people in.

i have walls up, and i don't know how to take them down, or if i even want to.