Update

Hey i'm still here, in case anyone was wondering. My life has been crazy, up & down and inside out, and for the past month or so i've had very limited internet access. I'm doing pretty well, i'm living in Springfield with a friend for now, working at my church part time, and spending as much time as possible with my boyfriend Cliff. So thats a quick update, i'll post more later :)

This Is Home

Home

On my own
No poison in my bones
On my own
This is where I build my home

My home,
this will always be my home

I work until it's late
Walk in and close the gate
I look in the window
and I gaze at my face
Every line and every abrasion
This took my life to make
This took my life to make

On my own
No poison in my bones
On my own, this is where I build my home
My home

I need someone, to hold
I need someone, to hold.

Lonely thoughts they seep, into mind
into me
pushing deep
Wash the dirt, a hard days work
Know my place

Sunday Afternoons

My Sunday afternoons have drastically changed in the last few weeks.
I used to spend Sunday afternoons and evening with my friends. We would hang out, watch tv, make dinner together, and invariably we made at least one trip to Walmart during the day, but we usually ended up there two or three times. We'd watch a movie after dinner, and sometimes we'd go to a park or something earlier in the afternoon, or sometimes go out for lunch. It varied a bit week to week, but pretty standard that we would make dinner and watch a movie at some point. I enjoyed it a lot. The banter back and forth, the conversations, the time spent together. It was always fun, but in a really relaxed way.
Last Sunday I spent the afternoon with some friends I haven't seen in years, since just after high school actually. It was fun, but very different. We went to a local park for a picnic, and then went on a 2 mile hike. halfway through we stopped at a creek and went wading for a while, then just sat in the sun, catching up. Then walked the mile back to the park. It was fun, but not relaxed. Not like with my friends in Rolla.

I decided I need to find people in Springfield to hang out with on Sunday afternoons, if I'm gonna be living here for a while. I really don't like going to church on Sunday nights, but I will just to be around other people if I can't find people to hang out with. I'm not really sure where to look though....

Free?

Chase the high ground - where you'd rather be
Where you might be found
Face all aglow, to leave from here
To pack up and go
But it takes some time to get away
And you will have to build from what remains
To run it takes the courage of a lamb
To love, the fierceness of a storm

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder
Everyone's staring , but no one is caring for you now
Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze
Just take the leap... and you're free

Chase the high ground - where you'd rather be
Where you might be found
This move may erase the troubles in your head
Or expose the absence of your soul
And so, it takes some time to get away
And you will have to tear down what remains
And I can't stand for goodbyes
So hold on to me, or lead the way

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder
Everyone's staring , but no one is caring for you now
Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze
Just take the leap... and you're free

Pace yourself when outrunning fear
Take cover when it's dark
And keep an even keel

In your world you're only a phone away
But in my world you're too far to feel
And it may take some time to learn what's real
And you may have to beg and borrow
And you will surely steal
Remember all those lonely sessions
Turned into yesterday's lessons
To never forget love, to never forget love

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder
Everyone's staring, but no one is caring for you now
Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze
Just take the leap... and you're free

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder
Everyone's staring but no one is caring for...
Paloma you cry out you beg for connection
The dreams you seek are straight ahead in every direction
Now you're free
Now that you're, you're free
Now that you're, you're free
You're free

Today I watched the greatest thing of all
A flock of birds, preparing for the fall






Am I free? Am I free to chose, free to feel, free to love, and free to fall? I run from everything that seems to cage me in, but am I ever really free? Or simply free of that pain, and moving on to the next one? What am I missing by running every time I get scared or hurt? I miss the thunder, I miss the storm, I miss the stars, and I miss rain. I wish I could be close to people for more than a few months. It takes so much work to tear everything down and move to a new place... What would happen if I sacrificed some of that freedom for stability, for relationships... Even if it hurt? What would happen...

Right For You

"Doing something because it seems like the thing you should do won't work unless it also happens to be the thing that is right for you. Take your time before immediately agreeing to this."

I read this recently, it was actually an astrology thing I saw. Now, I normally don't even look at these things, it's all trash as far as I'm concerned, but this one was interesting. There are so many different things before me right now that are good things, that I feel like I should be doing, but not all of them are necessarily the best thing to do. While they're good, they don't all lead to, or help with, what I want to do with my life. I need to focus on that goal, and do the things that will help that dream to come about. I need to focus on this maybe more than most, simply because I don't have as much time as most. Yes I have my whole life, but that still may not be very long...

Safe

The house is quiet as she enters. The cars were in the drive, so she knows they are all home, but the rooms are dark and silent. She walks towards the stairs, she can see a light at the top. The third stair creaks, as always, as she climbs up to the second floor. She turns the corner, and sees the light is coming from Andrew's open door. She peeks in, and he greets her. They talk for a few minutes about her morning, and his new job offer. Soon the conversation turns to the card game on the screen of his computer, and this leads to a discussion of counting cards, and how hard it is, and the movie 21. After 10 minutes or so, his mom comes in and joins the conversation. The talk about her mom, health care, cancer, dangerous things like walking across bridge railings,God's will, hindsight, her Japanese friends coming to visit this summer, the grand canyon, hiking and float trips, caves, and finally the plans for the evening. Before she knew it, an hour had passed, and it was time to get dinner ready. She wandered into her room and started brushing her hair, thinking about the feel of this house, this family. This place felt so different than her parents house. The houseshe grew up in felt oppressive, and suffocating. There was always a tense feeling, and part of her seemed to always be screaming to" get out now." But this place, it felt different. It was calm, and quiet, but not a tense silence at all. 
She sat down on the bed, realization dawning on her. This place felt safe. She hadn't felt safe in so long, she had almost forgotten what it felt like. She didn't want to leave. She only had today, and tomorrow morning here, then she would have to go back. She wanted to go back, she was signing at church Sunday morning, and she wanted to spend Easter with her church family, but that meant going back to that place. She didn't want that. She didn't think she could survive another day at that house. 
She started thinking, trying to find a way around going back to that place... "Maybe Katie would let me stay a day or two with her? Or maybe crash on Jamie's couch? I could always just grab a couple of sleeping bags from the attic while they're at work, they wouldn't miss them. Then I could sleep in my car, and use the shower at the church, I know Janna would let me... I couldn't tell her where I was sleeping though. She wouldn't stand for that. Maybe James and Mark would let me stay with them if I cleaned their house, heaven knows they need it! There has to be something, somewhere. Even just for a few weeks... Maybe it was time to call Rusty and see about going down to Austin for a while. But I want to stay here, with my church! But I can't live there anymore, I'll curl up and die if I hear those words again, feel that pain. I'm tired of covering up the bruises, pretending everything is fine. Why can't I just be safe? Just for a little while?" 

2011 Taxes

I successfully e-filed my taxes all by myself. I feel very accomplished right now. (Ok, I admit it, I used Turbotax, but still, it was my first time fileing taxes and I still managed it without help.) 

Quiet Evening

The three of them are sitting around the kitchen table. It's evening, after dinner, and the house is reasonably quiet. You can hear the low murmur of voices coming from the back of the house, but this little family doesn't seem to notice it. The eldest, a girl, sits under the light, sewing. Her needle carefully pierces the fabric, and pulls the dark thread to the other side. Across the table from her, the boy is bent over schoolwork. Next to him sits a younger girl, reading a book. The oven is on, and the smell of sugar and chocolate fills the room. The older girl looks up, and addresses the younger girl,
"Rosie, would you mind washing the dinner dishes?" The younger girl looks up when she hears her name, and then frowns at the request. "But it's not my turn, it's Anne's turn today."
"I know that, but she just got back from that trip, and she has to get up early in the morning. Would you please do her chore, just this once?"
"Why can't Joey do it?" Her voice was starting to get whiny.
"Because he's a little behind in his schooling, and need to work on that this evening. And I'm trying to finish this skirt." Her voice got a bit firmer "Please do as I asked. There aren't very many dishes, it won't take you that long." The girl, Rosie, sighed and got up and walked to the sing. The sound of running water and clinking dishes soon filled the kitchen. The boy looked up from his studying, "I'm hungry." He announced. The older girl laughed, "You're always hungry! We just had dinner not two hours ago."
"I know, but I'm hungry again."
She just laughed, and shook her head. She got up and opened the door to the oven. "The cookies will be done i a few minutes, do you think you can wait that long?"
"Ok. What kind of cookies are they?"
"Shortbread, with some chocolate mixed in."  Rosie turned from the sink and said "That sounds good! You make the best shortbread." The girl rolled her eyes, "I don't know about that, but I do my best."
"Well I like your cooking." The older girl smiled at the younger, and reached over to pat her arm. "Thanks, Rosie." She grabs a couple of rags and pulls the cookie sheet out of the oven and sets it on another rag already on the counter. While the cookies cool, she gets out three plates and glasses. She fills the glasses with milk, and puts them on the table. Then she places three cookies on each plate, and brings those to the table as well. She sits down, and resumes her sewing. The boy and girl start eating their snack, and playfully bickering with each other. The older girl tunes them out, she is lost in her thoughts, somewhere else entirely. 
Suddenly all three jump. The hear loud, angry voices, a slamming door, and the unmistakable sound of something breaking. Rosie looks scared, then looks to the older girl. She has a mask on, you can't see her fear or worry, just a calm expression. "It's ok, kids. Just go back to what you were doing. If you leave them alone, they'll leave you alone." Both children, looking reassured, go back to their snack and schoolwork. The rest of the evening passes much the same way. It's quiet and safe, there in her kitchen. Though a battle rages just outside the door. Her kids are safe, and cared for, and she will make sure they know they are loved.

Target Practice

I've had a reason to be interested in weapons for quite a while, and my interest has always leaned more towards guns than anything else. I used to practice with a 9mm, and would carry it in my truck frequently. It gave me a sense of power and protection. Now I'm not a very good shot, but I don't have to be. I can hit within about 3 inches of where I want to, which is fine for protection.

I haven't handled a gun in just over a year, and I've been wanting to get in some practice. I heard that Missouri lowered the conceal and carry age to 21. I've been impatiently waiting till my 23rd birthday so I could get the license, so I was really excited to hear I could get it sooner.  So this evening I grabbed the 9mm, a box of bullets, my mp3 player, and went out for some target practice. 50 bullets later, my aim has improved considerably from the first shot, though it's still far from good.

It's very satisfying to practice while listening to Nickleback's Never Again. At the risk of sounding cliche, I like having the power to say certain things will never happen again. I won't let them. Someone will be hurt first, and it won't be me.



Same old shit, just on a different night
She grabs the gun, she's had enough
Tonight she'll find out how fuckin' tough is this man
Pulls the trigger fast as she can, never again

Radio Stations

Springfield has the best radio stations that I know of. There are multiple, good, stations for pretty much every genre, as well as a few lousy ones too. Music is just a big deal in this city. There's at least one concert somewhere in this city almost every weekend, and there's a huge Music Fest every summer. Drive around Springfield with the windows down, and you'll hear music from other cars, from radios in front yards, spilling out of mechanic's garages, and shops on the street. You'll hear people on the street singing, and if you've lived here long enough, you'll even hear the music of the city itself. It's different from any other town I've been to lor lived in, but I love it.

Dance, Love, Die

Dance till you fall
Love till you die
Shut your mouth
Raise the roof

Live life to the fullest

Don't be afraid to try new things

Love even though it will hurt

Speak out, but when necessary

Keep quiet

But above all,

Don't forget to

Truly Live

What About Everything?

People talk about so many different things, everyone proclaiming that thier (whatever) is the best, or most important, or most relevent. But what about everything?

What about aliens?

What about the moon and stars?

What about soldiers and thier battle scars?

What about jet skis?

What about everything?

What about mountain tops?

What about books?

What about giraffees?

What about dancing?

What about everything?

What about you and me?

What about life?

What about that midnight phone call?

What about everything?