Independent

For the past few years I've been every independent, i learned the hard way that the only person i can count on to take care of me, is me. If i need something, whether it's something basic like food or shelter, or it's an emotional need, I've gotten used to just taking care of it myself. Mostly without help from other people, there haven't been too many willing to get that close anyways.
But just because I've been doing this for years, doesn't mean i don't want to be taken care of. I do! I want to be valuable enough to someone that they will go out of their way to make sure i''m ok. I want to be taken care of. I want someone to intentionally care about me enough to do that.
So now I'm waiting. Right now i can't quite depend fully on those around me, but i know God has someone out there for me, someone that will value me that much. So I'm waiting.

Seven Desires Of Every Heart

The Seven Desires Of Every Heart

This book talks about the seven desires all of us have, how often they go unfulfilled and how to work through the pain caused by that and find ways to fulfill those desires yourself
 

The Seven Desires:
1. To be heard and understood
2. To be affirmed
3. To be blessed
4. To be safe
5. To be touched
6. To be chosen
7. To be included


All of us have these desires, and we need them to be fulfilled to lead healthy, normal lives. Unfortunately, most of us don't have all of these needs met often enough to be completely healthy. A lot of people go through life 'coping' with little or none of these needs filled. Coping is dangerous and hurtful; some ways of coping are working too much, sleeping excessively, watching TV for hours on end, overeating, and generally withdrawing from other people.
 

This book talks about ways to identify coping behaviors and understand the reasons behind them. It gives suggestions for letting God, others and yourself fulfill those needs in healthy ways.
 

For me this book helped me to understand why some things mean so much to me, why some seemingly small things are a big deal, and to identify why certain things hurt me and not others, or hurt me worse. This book also talks about how ultimately only God can fill these needs completely all the time, even though they are meant to be filled by both other people and yourself as well. It helped me to understand myself better, and to identify ways that my 'coping' could be hurting other people. It also talks about setting achievable expectations of other people, and not expecting one or two people to completely fill all of these desires all the time.

Calvin

Dear Calvin,

I miss you. I know we've both said this, and i know we both mean it, but i want you to know that I'm not just saying it, i really do miss you! I miss seeing you walk down the stairs wearing the same thing you wore the last two days, and i miss our conversations while we wash dishes. I miss the good movies we watched while you were here, instead of the chick-flick stuff we watch now. I miss hearing you talk about computer stuff i don't understand, but nod my head and pretend i do. I miss the calm a guy's presence brings to the house. I miss your prank war with Laura, i haven't laughed like that since you left. I just miss you! I don't wish you had stayed, i know you made the best decision and this is how it needed to be. You should come up here more often, just stop by for dinner or a movie or something. You're awesome!

Rae

Waiting...

Dear Father,

I've given up. I'm tired of looking for him. I know You have someone out there for me, some one who will take care of me, protect me, someone who is strong and gentle all at the same time. Someone who is Your son, who is completely devoted to You. I keep find men that have some of these qualities, and i look at them and wonder, but it's not them. None of the men I've met so far are "right", they don't fit with me, or i don't fit with there future plans. So i am giving up. I thought i needed to be looking, but i guess i don't. If You have someone in mind, You're going to have to bring him to me, cause I'm done wasting my time with good guys that just aren't "right". All of them, Father, all the guys I've gotten to know in the past few years, they are all Yours. I'm done trying to make something happen. I'm done trying to convince them that I'm someone worth getting to know. It hurts to much. I refuse to cry over any of them, i don't even want to. I want what You want. I want the man that You have for me, the one that will look past my brokenness, and see what You see when You look at me. I want to be able to look past his failings, and see him the way You do, Father. I want to stop pushing, i want to stop trying to just make things work.

I want who You want. I've given up, I'm giving it to You, Father. Your will be done in my life.

I Miss You

Do I miss you?

Count the stars
Multiply by ten
Of course I do
More than now and then
 

I could paint a rainbow
Shine the sky
Set the stars in space
Faster than explain
How much I miss your face

Watch the moon
Someday soon
He will start to smile
When I say "I'll see you
In a while

But 'til then I miss you
Dry my tears
Hide my fears away
Until that happy day
To the rainbow's end
Is where I would go, my friend
I do miss you so


For Andy, for all the rainbows, sunshine, stars, and light you brought to my world. I love you still.

Christmas Gift

About a month ago the camp secretary asked each of us interns to choose a hoodie or jacket from a Splash Design catalog. We assumed the jacket we chose would be embroidered with the camp logo and given to us for either a Christmas present, end of the year gift, or just a general we appreciate you gift. Yesterday Ben and Grace came to GTC to have a small Christmas party with us before we leave for break. We were each given a package, and when we opened then the other girls had the jackets they had picked out. Mine wasn't a jacket, it was a coat! It's a beautiful black coat with a fur-trimmed hood that fits perfectly! Grace said she remembered a conversation we had a few weeks ago, she had asked me if i had anything warmer than a hoodie, which is what i was wearing in very cold tempratures. She was shocked when i said no, and that i hadn't ever really had a coat, we were always so poor i just used my parents old worn out jackets and hoodies. So she bought me a coat! It was so sweet! I think it's the most heart-felt gift i've ever gotten, and it's more than appreciated. Thank you, Grace! You are so amazingly thoughtful, and i'm so grateful for this gift!!

The Hope Of My Heart

The Hope Of My Heart
John McCrae


I left, to earth, a little maiden fair,
With locks of gold, and eyes that shamed the light;
I prayed that God might have her in His care
And sight.

Earth's love was false; her voice, a siren's song;
(Sweet mother-earth was but a lying name)
The path she showed was but the path of wrong
And shame.

"Cast her not out!" I cry. God's kind words come --
"Her future is with Me, as was her past;
It shall be My good will to bring her home
At last."

Perfect Vacation

My idea of a perfect vacation would be traveling to a new place with someone i love. It doesn't matter much where we go, or what we do, as long as we're together and doing something new and different. It could be a trip to London to see all the history there, or a cruise in the Caribbean, relaxing and just enjoying our time together. Or it could be a hiking trip in the Appalachian mountains, getting out and experiencing the creation of God. It could be as simple as traveling to a nearby city and visiting the museums and theatres there. As long as we're together i know we can have fun and it will be my perfect vacation.

Hope

 Hope

Emily Bronte


Hope was but a timid friend;
She sat without the grated den,
Watching how my fate would tend,
Even as selfish-hearted men.

She was cruel in her fear;
Through the bars, one dreary day,
I looked out to see her there,
And she turned her face away!

Like a false guard, false watch keeping,
Still, in strife, she whispered peace;
She would sing while I was weeping;
If I listened, she would cease.

False she was, and unrelenting;
When my last joys strewed the ground,
Even Sorrow saw, repenting,
Those sad relics scattered round;

Hope, whose whisper would have given
Balm to all my frenzied pain,
Stretched her wings, and soared to heaven,
Went, and ne'er returned again!

Linda II

"Whoever is adequate? We all create situations which others can't live up to, then break our hearts at them because they don't."


Dear Linda, i realized when i read this, that I've been doing this to you. You care about me, and I've somehow decided that you're supposed to be my best friend, big sister, confidant, and all-around care-giver. It's not fair to you at all, i expect too much from you, i expect you to always be there right when i need you, and to put time with me above everything else. This is an entirely unrealistic expectation, and I'm really just hurting myself, cause when you're busy or just want your own life i feel hurt or left out. But i have no right to feel that way, you deserve your own life, your own time, with your own friends and family. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for expecting this of you, and I'll try to keep out of your life and give you your own space. You are really good at making boundaries and making sure i get more than enough time with you. And even when life gets crazy, and intruded on "our time" you push other things back so you can spend as much time with me as you originally planned. That means a lot to me! I do notice, and i really appreciate it! I will work on making my expectations of you realistic and something you can live up too, and beyond, instead of something you can't even live up too.
You are so amazing, and i love you so much!!


Rae

Girly or Anti-social?

Today i had two choices for this evening:

1. Get to dress in a beautiful ball gown and strappy high-heels, have my hair and make-up done, and wear sparkly jewelry. Go to a ball, see people i know, and spend the evening dancing and conversing with hansome young men, and feeling beautiful and special.

2. Hang around camp, take pictures, crawl in the dirt to get good shots, edit pictures, talk on the phone with a good friend, and watch a movie with Linda.

Yea, no contest. I stayed home. I'm positive i had a better time than i would have at the dance, too.

Am i really girly? No.
Am i anti-social? Heck yes.

This does not make for much of a party-goer. =P

Jesus Is Better Than Santa

Santa lives at the North Pole.
Jesus is everywhere.

Santa rides a sleigh
Jesus rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year
Jesus is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies
Jesus supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimmney uninvited
Jesus stands at your door and knocks..., and then enters your heart.

You have to stand in line to see Santa
Jesus is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap
Jesus lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is
"Hi little boy (or girl),
What's your name?"
Jesus knew our name before we did.
Not only does He know our name,
He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and
He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly
Jesus has a heart full of love.

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO
Jesus offers health, help, and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry"
Jesus says "Cast all yur cares on me for I care for you."

Santa's little helpers make toys
Jesus makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but
Jesus gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree
Jesus became our gift and died on the tree.
It's obvious there is really no comparison.
We need to remember Who Christmas is all about.
We need to put Christ back in Christmas.
Jesus is still the reason for the season.