My Angel

♪ I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them. And we help them in return ♪

i remember his smile. His smile could light up a room. One look from him and i knew i was loved, even when i felt the most unlovable. i miss his laugh the most. Just hearing him laugh made you look around and smile. And he loved to laugh.

He is my big brother. He is my best friend. He is my greatest support. He is the one always pushing me to go after my dreams. He is the one that believes in me the most. He is the one that loves me the most. He is the one person i can't live without. Except that i am. i have no choice, you see. God decided his time here was finished.
Some of you may say "What big brother? You don't have a big brother." Well, you're wrong. Just because you never knew him doesn't mean he never existed.
He came into my life when i needed him the most. i felt alone and unloved. My parents were having problems, and didn't see what was going on in my life. They didn't see the bullies, the mean girls. They didn't hear the taunts, or see the cold stares. They never heard the whispering, the laughing. They were to busy with their life to notice mine falling apart. i can't say i'm angry with my parents. If i hadn't needed him so badly, maybe i wouldn't have ever met him.
He showed me that i was loved. By someone that didn't 'have' to love me. By him, but more importantly, by God. He showed me that i matter. That i'm not just a kid, that i'm someone special. He showed me i deserve to be loved at a time i didn't believe i was worth anything. He made me laugh. He held me when i cried. He told me stories, and all about his life. He listened to me, like no one has ever listened to me. He made me feel that i was the most important person in his life.
He was 19 and i was 12. An unlikely combination, but somehow it worked for us. For a short while, he was my life. And my whole world was made better with him in it. He wasn't perfect. But i see no reason to list his imperfections. That wasn't what made him so special.

Sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if he had lived. We made so many plans, had so many years ahead of us. i'll never know what might have been. i don't need to. All i need to remember is what he taught me. He taught me the most important things i've ever learned. He taught me how to love. To look beyond the outward, and look at the heart. He showed me what a best friend looks like, and how to be one. Everyone matters. Sing with all your heart. Everyone needs a friend sometimes. Always smile. Focus on the positive. Most importantly: Always say i love you. You never know if you will see them again.
He was 4 months shy of his 20th birthday when he died. As i write this i am only 4 months away from my 20th birthday. i will outlive my older brother. It will be 7 years this Christmas. i sometimes wonder why he had to die so young. His life was just starting. He could have done so many amazing things. Touched so many more lives. i know God has his reasons, i just wish i could have said goodbye.
My Angel, i miss you so much, i think i always will. You changed me. i wouldn't be who i am today without you. You were my saviour, my protector, my brother, my friend. i love you. So, my Angel, i have finally done what i could never do when you were with me. i have spoken the truth. i love you. i always will. Someday i will tell you, when we're together again. But till then, please know, i love you.

♪ It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime. So let me say before we part so much of me is made of what I learned from you. You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine, by being my friend...♪

Playlist: What Hurts The Most