Burn Out

It's only January, but i'm already feeling burnt out. I'm tired, but in a way that's so much more than just physical. I'm tired of life, of work, it seems of everything. Nothing is interesting right now, not my work projects, food, tv, books, even hanging out with friends doesn't hold much appeal for me. Music is all that really captures my attention, and i'm constantly surrounded by music. That was my first clue that i'm stressed and worn out beyond normal; for the last week or so i've been wearing headphones almost constantly. When i'm having a hard time with reality, i put on my headphones and block out the world, and stay safe within my music.
I haven't been this tired since last spring, when i was working two jobs, studying, taking care of the kids, volunteering at my church, and keeping up with all my friends.
I'm tired of walking out of my room, putting on a smile, and pretending everything is OK, when all i really want to do is scream "Leave me alone and let me sleep!"

Where Do I Fit?

The other day Laura showed me a new way to do my hair. It was really simple, but it was one of those moments that make me wonder what i missed, growing up the way i did. I wonder... What would it have been like if i had an older sister, or a mom, that had taught me stuff like that. How to do my hair, taken me dress shopping, showed me how to put on make-up or flirt with boys. Or just showed me how to be a girl. I feel like i'm caught between a girl and a tomboy. I don't really know how to be a girl, but i' not any good at being a tomboy. I don't play sports, i'm hopeless a fixing things, and i'm not into comic books or video games.
So where do i fit?

What's Good For Me

Today i had one of those moments when everything becomes clear. The last few months suddenly make sense. A few days ago someone compared me to Daphne, the girl from the What A Girl Wants movie. In the storyline, she goes from a wild, spontaneous, rebellious girl to a proper English young lady, and back again. The comparison was that she went from one extreme to the other, but she eventually went back to her original lifestyle. When i came to CDO in May i was willing to state my opinion, stand up for others, fight for what i believe in, and make up my own mind. I didn't blindly accept whatever was told to me, i was willing to break rules i didn't agree with, and stand against things i thought were wrong, even if it meant i would lose something.
Now i don't challenge things i think are wrong. I don't voice my opinion, i don't stand up for myself or others. I just accept whatever the leadership says, no matter what i really think.
I don't like this. One of the leadership said at the beginning of the summer that they liked my directness, that i was willing to state my opinion even if i wasn't what everyone wanted to hear. Before, i was angry and looking for a fight, my world was fiery, and it was ok to be alone. Now I'm a doormat, I'm clingy and i need constant encouragement, and i hate being left alone. My whole world seems darker.
Neither is healthy, and i need to find the balance somewhere in the middle.
Lately I've felt like something wasn't right, like i was living a half-life. Like I'm missing an important part of me. It's my confidence. I've lost confidence in myself, my abilities, and my contribution to the world in general. I've made my identity all about being an intern. I breathe, sleep, and think this ministry, but that's wrong. I can work for this ministry, i can do my best and i can be involved, but it can't be my life. If it is then in August when I'm finished here, i will have no other life, and no identity.  There will be nothing left of me. This reality is terrifying, and i refuse to let this happen.
The leadership isn't very happy with me right now. In the past few weeks I've started speaking out more, and not just accepting what they say. Julia says I'm acting more confident, and i seem happier lately.
I can see daylight, and I'm leaving behind the half-life. I'm gonna do what it takes to be the person I am underneath all this.

Stop Trying

For most of my teens i was on one diet or another. I tried a lot of different programs but none of them worked very well. I finally gave up about a year ago. I was ok with how i looked. I knew i could be healthier, but for the most part i was ok with all that. Then i started working at CDO and my whole life pretty much imploded and diets were the last thing i wanted to think about. I stopped trying to lose weight... And that's when i started dropping pounds. I've lost over 20 pounds since i started here, and i wsn't even trying too! Once i accepted myslef how i was, that was when i began to change. Funny, huh?

The Lost Friend

The Lost Friend
Amy Levy


The people take the thing of course,
They marvel not to see
This strange, unnatural divorce
Betwixt delight and me.

I know the face of sorrow, and I know
Her voice with all its varied cadences;
Which way she turns and treads; how at her ease
Things fit her dreary largess to bestow.

Where sorrow long abides, some be that grow
To hold her dear, but I am not of these;
Joy is my friend, not sorrow; by strange seas,
In some far land we wandered, long ago.

O faith, long tried, that knows no faltering!
O vanished treasure of her hands and face!--
Beloved--to whose memory I cling,
Unmoved within my heart she holds her place.

And never shall I hail that other "friend,"
Who yet shall dog my footsteps to the end.

What Do You Love?

"What do you love? No inhibitions, just write what you love."

God                  Writing

Music                My Dog

Sunshine           Memories

Laughter           Friends

Singing              Waterfalls

Books               Photos
Colour              Sand

Light                 Fields

Flowers            Fences

Warmth           Happiness

Quiet              Sound

Worth Waiting For?

"Is it worth waiting for? Is this important enough to you, that you would wait for it? Or is it something you are going to decide you need now?"

She glanced down, then up at Him. "But if I give it to You now, I might not get it back."

"That's true,you might not. You might get something better, something different, or you just might get this back. But if you give it to Me for a time, and wait on Me, this will be better than you can imagine now. But you don't know what will happen, and I will not reveal My plan to you yet. Do you believe that I love you above all others?"

"I know that You do, but I don't believe that You do."

"You will have to trust Me, and let go of this. It will be hard, but I will be beside you all the way through it. I'll ask again, "Is this worth waiting for?"

Tears formed in her eyes as she looked up at Him. "Yes, it is." Her voice broke on the last word, and the tears began to fall. He wrapped His arms around her, and cradled her while she wept. "I'm here," He whispered, "I'll always be here. I love you."

Whatever It Takes

So this morning i was listening to music, and Lifehouse's song Whatever It Takes came on. It actually describes all the relationships in my life really well. I don't let people in. I give them my time, my energy, and my skills, but i don't give them me. I don't let them see the broken pieces, or when I'm hurting. Then they get frustrated or confused and leave. And i don't blame them. I'd do whatever it takes to change... But i don't know how. So I'm stuck, wanting to let people in, but not knowing how i can.  

Whatever It Takes
 

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

The Story Of Us

"I used to know my spot was next to you
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on

Oh, a simple complication
Miscommunications lead to fallout
So many things that I wish you knew
So many walls up, I can't break through

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know, is it killing you
Like it's killing me

I don't know what to say


The battle's in your hands now
But I would lay my armor down
If you'd say you'd rather love then fight

So many things that you wish I knew
But the story of us might be ending soon..."

That Girl

Where is the girl i used to be? The girl that would stand up for herself, and those around her? The girl that wasn't afraid of the leaders, and would confront them if she thought they were wrong. Where is the girl that was willing to risk everything: friends, jobs, even a place to live if she believed something needed changed? The girl that was on fire, ready to fight for her beliefs. Where is that girl? What has happened to her? She wouldn't just accept the rules, no questions asked. She wouldn't have any problem breaking them to pieces just to prove a point. What has happened to me? How have i changed so much in just a few months? That girl was me this summer, but now.... She's gone and i want her back. 

Where is that girl?

Living in Your Workplace

Advantages of living where you work:

1. You can sleep till 5 minuets before work starts.
2. You can fold your laundry on break.
3. You don't have to worry about packing a lunch, your kitchen is 10 feet away.
4. You can take a shower during your lunch break. 
5. You save fuel and wear and tear on your car, cause it stays parked for days on end.

Disadvantages of living where you work:

1. You boss can always find you. Always.
2. You have no excuses for being late.
3. To get away from work, you have to leave your house. So if you just want to chill, you have to find someone else's house to chill at.
4. The subject of work comes up over dinner... And breakfast... And lunch.
5. If you have a disagreement with a coworker (roommate) you really can't get away from them at the end of the day. 
6. Similarly, if you have a disagreement with your boss, you still have to go to their house for dinner, cause it's across the field, and you have no excuses except "i don't want to be around you cause i think you screwed up" which doesn't go over very well. 
7. Your boss knows everything about you. There is no privacy whatsoever. Consequently, you will have no social life at home that they aren't part of, know about, or randomly drop by to make sure you're behaving. 
8. Your boss can find you after your technically"off work" and "ask" you to work overtime... Which if you're not getting paid (like me) means that your whole evening just got shot.

Touch

My predominate love language is touch. I thrive when i'm consistently being touched by people that care about me. It can be in a lot of different ways, a quick hug, a shoulder rub, tickling, holding hands, being curled up next to someone, it all makes me feel cared about and worthy of attention.
For most of my life the majority of the touch i got was in anger or punishment, and i began to associate being touched with being hurt, or being pushed away. Only in the past year have i begun to see touch as a positive thing. It's still new to me, and i am only just beginning to understand why i crave physical touch from the people around me.