Today i had one of those moments when everything becomes clear. The last few months suddenly make sense. A few days ago someone compared me to Daphne, the girl from the What A Girl Wants movie. In the storyline, she goes from a wild, spontaneous, rebellious girl to a proper English young lady, and back again. The comparison was that she went from one extreme to the other, but she eventually went back to her original lifestyle. When i came to CDO in May i was willing to state my opinion, stand up for others, fight for what i believe in, and make up my own mind. I didn't blindly accept whatever was told to me, i was willing to break rules i didn't agree with, and stand against things i thought were wrong, even if it meant i would lose something.
Now i don't challenge things i think are wrong. I don't voice my opinion, i don't stand up for myself or others. I just accept whatever the leadership says, no matter what i really think.
I don't like this. One of the leadership said at the beginning of the summer that they liked my directness, that i was willing to state my opinion even if i wasn't what everyone wanted to hear. Before, i was angry and looking for a fight, my world was fiery, and it was ok to be alone. Now I'm a doormat, I'm clingy and i need constant encouragement, and i hate being left alone. My whole world seems darker.
Neither is healthy, and i need to find the balance somewhere in the middle.
Lately I've felt like something wasn't right, like i was living a half-life. Like I'm missing an important part of me. It's my confidence. I've lost confidence in myself, my abilities, and my contribution to the world in general. I've made my identity all about being an intern. I breathe, sleep, and think this ministry, but that's wrong. I can work for this ministry, i can do my best and i can be involved, but it can't be my life. If it is then in August when I'm finished here, i will have no other life, and no identity. There will be nothing left of me. This reality is terrifying, and i refuse to let this happen.
The leadership isn't very happy with me right now. In the past few weeks I've started speaking out more, and not just accepting what they say. Julia says I'm acting more confident, and i seem happier lately.
I can see daylight, and I'm leaving behind the half-life. I'm gonna do what it takes to be the person I am underneath all this.
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