To You

"You're so quiet
But it doesn't phase me
I know you've been burned
But every fire is a lesson learned
Lets type words
'Cause they amount to nothing
Play it down
Pretend you can't take what you've found
But you found me
On a screen you sit at permanently
It's time to come clean and make sense of everything
It's time that we found out who we are
'Cause when I'm standing here in the dark
I see your face in every star
I left my house
Left my clothes
Door wide open
Heaven knows
You're so worth it, you are

But I wish I could feel it all for you
I wish I could be it all for you
If I could erase the pain
And maybe you'd feel the same
I'd do it all for you
I would
I'd do it all for you"

Starry Night

It's fully dark, just before midnight. The only light is a single street lamp, at the end of the drive. This night is anything but silent; bullfrogs can be heard from the nearby creek, the neighbor's dog barking. The sound of cars on the highway a few miles to the east. A slight breeze rustling the leaves of the oak tree. Good sounds, comforting sounds if you're accostumed to being in these woods at night.

The back door of the house opens, and a figure slips out. The long hair, and skirt show that the figureis a girl. She's carrying a rolled up blanket, a water bottle, a pair of head phones, and a laptop. She walks quickly around the side of the house, and into the woods. There's a well-worn path here, she's done this many times before. Her steps are almost silent, if you hadn't seen her you might not ever know she was there. And yet her friend knows she is there, he sits waiting for her, his white fuzzy tail beating on the ground, as if in anticipation for what is coming. She walks up the path, and around a bend. She can see the house, the lit windows, but anyone there wouldn't be able to see her. Not that they were looking, they wouldn't miss her for hours yet, not till the morning. She could spend all night writting, and the only one to know would be the time log on the laptop, and no one ever checked that.

Her little friend jumped up and tried to lick her hand. He wanted to play! She laughed, and whispered "Not now little guy, later, when the sun is out." She spread the blanket on the ground at the base of a tree, and sat down with her back to it. Opening the laptop, she looked to her friend and said "We haven't done this is quite a while, have we? I didn't need to sneak out to write there, I could write whenever and whatever I wanted. No one cared, and they didn't insist it was a waste of time, or tell me I wasn't any good and should stop. I miss that. I didn't realize what a difference that makes...." Her words trailed off and were swollowed by the night sounds. She had a look of longing on her face. Her little friend pushed closer, and she started, then looked down at him. "I was thinking about there... Oh well no point in what ifs, right?" He wagged his tail, as if in answer to her.

She laughed, a light, inviting sound. Then she turned back to the screen in front of her, and began to type. Long into the night, under the watch of the stars and her friend, and in the company of music, she wrote. She wrote about life, love, God, creation, silly things, and things that matter.

Though you wouldn't know or think it if you were looking at this scene, something truly remarkable was happening. Every word she wrote, every song she sang, was as healing to her soul as food is to a starving body. To her, to write and to sing, is to live, and to live is to discover new things to write and sing about. Life, words, and music were so intertwined, they were nearly indistiguisable to her.

And so she must write and sing to live. For so long, the night has the only safe place for her to live, and so the night has become her friend and protector, though once it was her foe. 

It grows cold, and she needs to go back to the house, she has many chores yet to do before morning. She packs up her things, and pets her white, fuzzy friend. Just before she steps across the threshold back into her gray world, she looks up for a last glimpse of the stars, and wished her friend, the night, farewell.

Hippie Girl

My little brother called me a hippie today. To be fair, I had just finished making my dinner (comprised entirely of fruit, veggies, and dairy products) I was wearing a peasant skirt, listening to some indie music, and talking about a line of all-natural soap and shampoo that I had found that day.
I'm not a hippie... At least not in the way he meant, but there are certain things that I do that are different from my family and friends.

• I don't like processed food, and I'm not a big meat eater. If I'm grocery shopping for just me, I get mostly organic fruits, veggies, dairy, and gluten-free cereal and snack stuff. 
• I wear mostly cotton or denim clothing, and much prefer recycled flip-flops to regular ones.  
• I like country music, indie rock, and british bands, and that's about all I listen too.
• When I can afford it, I try to use natural soap and stuff like that whenever possible.
• I have cloth grocery bags, and I use them.
• I recycle (if possible... or convenient)

Written In Red ASL

The choir at South Side is singing this song, Written In Red, for Easter this year. I had the brilliant idea of learning the song in asl and signing it during the service. I already knew some of the signs, and it's a reasonalbly simple song, so i figured it wouldn't be to hard to learn. My plan was to learn it, get it down pretty well, and then offer to sign it. I didn't want to offer until I knew I had it memorized. So I looked up a video and practiced. It wasn't pretty. It really isn't difficult, but I don't sign enough to be smooth. I have another week to practice, and I'm certianly going too! I hope to be good enough by Wednsday that I can sign during choir practice, but we'll have to wait and see!

This is the video I found, check it out!

Love This Pain

I've been on all sides of this song. I've been this girl, with a guy that likes me more than I liked him, and just used him. I've been the writer of this song, pursuing someone that didn't really care about me, and I've watched this play out in the life of a friend. No matter what side I'm on, it's a bad situation. It was fun when I was playing with someone, it was just a game to me, no real emotion involved. But that was hurtful to him, I know that now. When I liked someone like this, it was a deperate longing that left me feeling alone and used. But the most hurtful was watching my friend long for a girl that is just playing with him. I tried to talk to him, but it didn't work. I'm afraid it will take her breaking his heart for him to see what the rest of us already know. I don't want him to be hurt more, but I know that's how this will end....



Love This Pain

Lady Antebellum

She's no good for me
I know that she's a wild flower
She's got a restlessness
A beautifulness, a thing about her
But here I am again calling her back
Letting her drive me crazy

It's like I love this pain a little too much
Love my heart all busted up
Something 'bout her, we just don't work
But I can't walk away
It's like I love this pain

It's just an on again
And off again situation
It's just striking a match
A tank of gas combination
But here I am again lighting it up
Knowing that she'll just burn me

It's like I love this pain a little too much
Love my heart all busted up
Something 'bout her, we just don't work
But I can't walk away
It's like I love this pain

It's like I love this life
When nothing's right, yeah something's wrong
It's like I'm just not me
If I can't be a sad, sad song

It's like I love this pain a little too much
Love my heart all busted up

Something 'bout her, we just don't work
But I can't walk away
It's like I love this pain
Oh yeah, it's like I love this pain
I can't walk away, oh no
It's like I love this pain

Why'd You Come Back?

Tonight someone asked me why I came back to Springfield. He knows me pretty well, knows my past, how I hate Springfield, and how I've spent the last 4 years trying to get out of this town. He knows how excited I was when I left, and how I said I wasn't ever coming back. When I left Springfield last August I thought I was done with this town, and this life. So it's a valid question: Why go back to something that I worked so hard to leave?

I don't know. I wake up every morning and ask myself 'Why the hell am I here?'  I worked so hard to leave, and I never wanted or thought I'd be back. All I know is that I believe God wants me here right now.

I could see in his eyes the real question: 'What was so bad that you would come back to a situation as bad as this?' The answer is nothing. It wasn't that bad. It would have been difficult, for a while, but it wasn't bad. It was acutally pretty good. Even with all my mistakes, it was better than going back to my parent's.

So why am I here? I don't know. But God does. And I'm trusting Him in all of this. Cause this isn't what I wanted or had planned, and I wouldn't have choosen it. But God brought me back, I know it was Him, cause no matter how bad it got I wouldn't have choosen to come back on my own.

Uncertainty....

She was sitting on the examining table, her leg swinging slowly back and forth. Her bright colored skirt swished gently. She looked around the room and sighed. Patience was not her strong point. She flipped her ponytail over her shoulder and started playing with the end of it. A soft knock, and then the door opened. The nurse came in, smiling, and had a stack of papers in her hand.
"OK, I talked to the Dr., she agrees that it's probably nothing but just to be sure we want you to come back in about 6 weeks for a follow-up. OK?"
"Yeah, I can do that."
"OK good. Just set up the appointment with the receptionist. Don't worry, I'm sure it's nothing, we usually don't see this in girls as young as you, but with your family history it's better to be safe than sorry, you know?"
"Yeah absolutely. I totally understand." She smiled, but it wasn't real.
"Well I'll see you in about 6 weeks then." The nurse handed her the papers, and left her to gather her things and leave the examining room. She walked out to the receptionist's desk. 
"Hi, do you need to check out?" Trudi. That was the name on her name tag. It was a nice, fun name.
"Yes. And I need to make an appointment in 6 weeks too. Here's my paperwork."
"OK thanks. I'll get that set up for you right now." Trudi took the papers and glanced at them, then did a double take. She looked up at the girl, sympathy showing on her face. "I haven't seen you here before, are you new?"
"Yeah I am, I just moved here."
"Well, welcome to our office."
"Thanks."
"You're, what, 19, 20?"
"I"m 21."
"Oh ok," The sympathy was back on her face.  "You look younger. But you probably hear that a lot." She laughed, but it sounded forced. She was just making small talk, trying to avoid talking about what was written on the paper in front of her.
"Yeah I've been told that a lot." The receptionist continued with the small talk, but she had stopped listening. The follow-up appointment was made, and she left the office. She walked out of the building, and across the parking lot. Her keys had ended up at the bottom of her bag, like always, and it took at least 30 seconds to fish them out. Her hands were shaking, and she dropped them, and then finally unlocked the door and got in her little car. She pulled her phone out, and started a call. After three rings, someone picked up.
"Hello?"
"Hi Mom. I just finished at the Dr's."
"Oh, how did it go?"
"It went fine, they said it's nothing. I have to go back in 6 weeks just to be sure, but I'm fine." She tried to keep her voice calm, and steady. She didn't want her mom to know she didn't believe what she was saying.
"Oh good! I'm so relieved. Your dad will be pleased to hear this, we've been praying all day."
"Thanks Mom, and thank Dad too."
"Are you coming for dinner Thursday night? I know your brother would love to see you."
"Of course I'll be there, I'm looking forward to it."
"Ok, well I need to go, but it was good to hear from you. And I'm so glad that it turned out to be nothing."
"Yeah me too. Ok, I'll see you Thursday night. Bye Mom."
"Bye hon. It'll all be OK."
She ended the call and put the phone on the passenger seat. She gripped the steering wheel, closed her eyes, and cried. What if it wasn't OK? What if it wasn't OK ever again? 

400 And Counting

I just realized I have over 400 posts on this blog! Yay for me! I'm hoping to top 500 by August, since this August will be two years since my first post. I think 500 in two years is pretty impressive, don't you?

Hunger Games Soundtrack

"How bad is it that I'm a lot more excited about the Hunger Games soundtrack than I am about the actual movie?"

I said this to someone a few weeks ago, and it was entirely true. Unfortunalty, I was dissapointed in both the movie and the soundtrack. They were both good, just not spectacular. And I was expecting specatular. So it was one of those,  If-I-hadn't-been-expecting-so-much-I-wouldn't-have-been-dissapointed things. Which is kinda sad. The soundtrack was ok, even good. Just not amazing. And I wanted amazing.

Directions

I had dinner with Josh and Charity tonight. It was really good! I got to talk to them about everything that has happened, and they had some good insight into all of that, as well as some very helpful advice. We also got to talk about South Side, the ministry there, and where they are wanting to take the singles class. It was weird, cause their vision, and my desires lined up perfectly. We want the same things for the Reach class, and they're more than willing to listen to my ideas. And they're excited to have me back! Charity said that she feels like God brought me back for a specific reason, to help South Side, and that if I let Him, He can accomplish a lot in the church through me. Which is exactly what Kim said Saturday night. I didn't think there was any way God could use this, I thought I had screwed it up too badly for that. But it's starting to look like that's not true, that God actually has a plan for all this, and maybe, just maybe, it can actually be used for good. It brought me home, and it seems like this is the best place for me right now. Not just for me to heal, and to learn, and to be encouraged, but the best place for me to serve. I know South Side, inside and out. I know the people, and the heart of the church. And now I'm confident enough to want to make changes, to speak my mind, to offer opinions, but I know I don't have it all figured out, and so I'm more than willing to take criticism as well.

I was kinda depressed earlier today, I was missing my friends in Rolla. And I still do miss them, desperately, but I'll get to see them soon, and we'll stay in touch. It will be different, and I know I'll still miss them a lot, but I know, God has shown me so many times in the past few days, that ministering at South Side is what I need to be doing right now. This church has been through so much in the past few years, there is so little left, that in some ways it's like building it from the ground up again. There are so many areas I'm passionate about, and I want to see improved. And, crazy as it may seem, the leadership wants me to be a part of it, maybe even a big part of it. Josh said that he wishes the church was in a place to just hire me as an intern and work for the church full-time, because I have the ideas, the passion, and the desire for that, but the church just isn't in a place where they can do that. Yet. Funnily enough, James said the same thing...

James

Hey James,

First I want to say that I'm sorry for that Friday night. I was upset, and angry, and depressed, and I just wanted to forget and have a good time. I shouldn't have acted that way, I shouldn't have gotten drunk. It was my choice, and it was most definetly the wrong one. I know that I annoy you sometimes, and I'm sorry for that as well. I'm trying to stop, really I am. About the whole asking you out thing, I was curious, and I should have just kept it to myself, or better yet ignored it, but I didnt. I never do. I'd rather try something, and fail, or try something and learn from it than to never try at all. Still, it wasn't my best move ever.

You're one of my best friends, and I don't want to lose that friendship. I'm sorry for the drama, and stress, and annoyance that comes with knowing me, and I want you to know that I am trying to be better! I hope someday we can go back to how it was, just hanging out and being friends. If we can't, I totally understand. I really do. But I hope you'll give me another chance.

Sincerly sorry,
Rae

Over You

For Andy. You went away at Christmas, so many years ago... But I still miss you, and I'll never get over you. You are, and always will be my big brother.


Over You
Weather man said it’s gonna snow
By now I should be used to the cold
Mid-February shouldn’t be so scary
It was only December
I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I’m not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along
With every song
I know you didn’t mean to give them to me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone

Cause you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you