I Love You

"I love you."

It sounds so simple, but it still brings with it a swirling mix of emotions when i hear it from Linda. I hear that she loves me, and i don't understand why. I grew up unloved and unwanted, i was raised in a church where God was presented as being indifferent or angry, and i rarely had friends of any kind, and when i did they usually weren't the kind that could be counted on. I've been abandoned, forgotten, overlooked, or rejected by my peers, my teachers, my coworkers, my employers, my pastors, and it seems humanity in general. There have been people that have reached out to me, but they have been few and far between. I've spent most of my life feeling not just unloved, but unlovable. If so many people have rejected me, then it must be something about me. So when Linda says "I love you" i wonder why? What makes her look past whatever makes me so unlikable, and see something worth caring about? And what if she gets tired of me, tired of my moodiness, or how everything is the "end of the world", or what if she gets sick of telling me the same thing over and over and my still not getting it, or not believing it? What if whatever makes her look past my general lousiness suddenly stops or wears out? What if she stops loving me?

This is what goes through my mind when i hear those words from her, and why hearing them can still reduce me to tears, just like the first time. I adore hearing those words, and i'm terrified that she'll stop saying them.