Prodigal Daughter

So in the past couple of months I got to re-enact the parable of the prodigal child. It wasn't pretty. I quit working at Camp David, i moved out, i found and then lost a job, i started drinking a lot more, i got drunk, partied, and made out with someone i don't really know. I burned through almost $300 in three weeks, and have nothing to show for it. I ignored all the rules, and everything I've been taught is right, and did what I wanted. It was really awful. I messed up so many good things, and damaged most of my friendships here in Rolla. I don't have a place to live, a job, a church, or even friends here anymore. Yeah ther are a few people that aren't irritated with me, but it's just a few and since I don't know many people to begin with, it's a pretty big percentage of people that are upset with me.

I'm really afraid I've completely screwed up the chance of anything ever happening with Tim. I know I've behaved badly, I've cuddled with random guys, including his roommate, and made out with someone, and gotten drunk, and partied, and I know I must look like a slut to him. I have no idea what he thinks of me right now, and no matter what it is, I don't blame him. I honestly can't even express how sorry and ashamed I am about this. I say I'm willing to wait for him, and that he's worth it, that I like him that much, but then turn around and do something like that.... it's so wrong. I don't even know why I did any of those things. I guess cause I could, cause there weren't any rules to stop me. Which is a really lame excuse. So I'm not going to use it. I chose to do all those things, and I deserve the consequences of the choices I made. And if one of those consequences is that Tim decides to not have anything to do with me, that's ok. I will totally understand. If he was doing those things I would be upset, so I have no right to expect anything different from him.

I decided I needed to get away for a few days, process all this, and figure out life. So I came home. But once I got here, I realized this isn't home anymore. Yes, I love my family, and my church, but this isn't where I belong. They're all doing just fine without me, they've moved on, and there really isn't a place for me here anymore. And I'm ok with that. It was so good to see everyone at church today, and I'm super excited to get to hang out with them for a week or two, but I'm already missing Rolla and my life there.  Right now I feel like God is telling me to take a break, talk to people wiser than me, and process all this. But then to go home. Go back to Rolla and continue to build my life there. That's what I'm thinking right now. But that may change in a few days....