Modern Beowolf

In 9th grade i had to read Beowulf (gag me). I know it's a classic, but it's so boring and hard to understand. So for all you who aren't experts in Old English here's a cute, funny summery that you don't need a dictionary for. The names are a little weird, but overall it's pretty cool.

How Beowulf Might Be Told By A Modern Comedian

King Hrothgar is the latest in a long line of warrior-kings of the Danish land of Shild. He is now old and victorious and wishes only to spend his days with his fighting men in the Great Hall he built, known as Herot.

Hint: The best thing to do if you are going to have a party, especially one that lasts for years, is to invite the neighbors. Then they can't complain about the noise.

But nobody invited Grendel, the monster from a nearby swamp. So every night, he comes over and kills and eats Hrothgar's warriors...for 12 years. You would really think Hrothgar would consider moving to some other digs, but he does not.

Meanwhile, Beowulf, a young warrior in the court of Hygelac, King of the Geats, says to himself, "Well, I've whupped pretty much everyone in my neighborhood. What do you say we help Hrothgar with his pest control problem?"

So he and his men sail off for Shild, and Beowulf settles in for the night at Herot to wait for Grendel. He is so confident that he decides to fight Grendel with his bare hands, so it is a fairer fight. He beats Swamp Thing by squeezing him with his bare hands, and then rips his arm off and hangs it on a peg in Herot.

Everybody parties.

While he is mulling over a career on the Shild/Geat pro wrestling circuit, Grendel's mother realizes her baby has been killed. She heads for the mead hall and grabs a victim, which happens to be Hrothgar's best friend.

Hrothgar finds out and summons Beowulf to ask if there is a one year, one thousand warrior guarantee on his service.

Beowulf says, "Sure, let's make it double or nothing." And before you can say 50 pounds of chain mail, Beowulf dives into the swamp, taking with him a famous old sword named Hrunting. It was his Hrunting knife.

Grendel's mother wrestles him into an underwater battle-hall, where Hrunting is hopeless, but his chain mail saves him. Beowulf finds another sword hanging on the wall, and cuts Mom's head off. Then for good measure, he find's Grendel's dead body and cuts the head off that too. Just as his men are whispering the ancient Anglo Saxon word for "fish food" Beowulf surfaces. It takes four of his men to drag Grendel's skull back to Herot where he presents it to Hrothgar.

Then they partied.

Beowulf and his warriors go back home to Geatland and boast about their triumphs. In time, Hygelac and his son die, Beowulf takes the throne and rules with great wisdom for 50 years.

After all these years, a thief stumbles into the hall of a sleeping dragon, steals a gem studded cup and wakes the dragon. [J.R.R. Tolkien, you plagiarizer!]

The dragon storms out, burns down houses with his very breath, and once again, it's Beowulf to the rescue. Trouble is, Beowulf is old now, and his monster-whuppin' days are over. His armor melts, his sword falls apart in his hands and while he wounds the dragon, he is about to be bar-b-qued, when his faithful warrior and cousin, Wiglaf jumps in. Wiglaf is the only one who comes with Beowulf, all his other warriors having found an urgent need to wash their hair or clean the grout in the moat... Wiglaf takes a mighty swing and kills the dragon.

But, in the meantime, the dragon has sunk his tusks into Beowulf's neck and he is dying from it's poison.

But before Beowulf dies, he wants just one last wish: Is it to see his family one more time? No. Is it to send one last message to his subjects or his warriors? No. Thank Wiglaf? Still no. He wants to see the dragon's treasure before he goes. Wiglaf runs back with it, and now Beowulf can die. But first he asks that his warriors build a big tower by the sea, and call it 'Beowulf's Tower.' He then turns over all his treasure to Wiglaf and bids him to use it well.

Now all Beowulf's warriors come out of the woods, saying something like, "Got here as quick as I could, hope I haven't missed anything. Can't wait to help out with that dragon!" Wiglaf now invents the first Anglo Saxon swear words and tells them that their cowardly acts will surely make them targets to the surrounding warrior kings. He is dead right, as it turns out.

The Geats build a big tower and put Beowulf's ashes into it. Turns out the gold had a spell on it, and that, as much as the dragon, killed Beowulf. They roll the dragon into the sea, in the first recorded instance of water pollution, and lock up all the cursed gold in the tower with Beowulf. Kind words are spoken and the fire burns for ten days.

The End